I thought I knew what I was thinking.
I had built up so many stories about her.
I had judged her.
I had replayed in my head
the scene of our last interaction
hundreds, if not thousands, of times.
I thought that it would be terrible
seeing her again.
I felt guarded and justified in my disconnect.
And there she was today, quiet, listening intently.
She gave me a hug. She smiled.
I felt brave. I shared.
She had been doing the work too;
I could see it on her face.
She is so much like me
and I like who I see.
I actually enjoy being with her.
She isn’t who I thought she was.
I’m glad she’s here.
Life surprised me today.
I thought her visit was going to be terrible.
It ended up being a miracle.
This is healing:
It goes in spirals,
rarely in a straight line,
takes steps, hops and leaps,
sometimes goes so slowly it aches,
wondering how long
it will feel this way,
wanting it to change,
wanting to be different,
asking for patience
when thoughts stay the same
day after day after day.
Hoping for little changes,
giving thanks for what is here,
giving thanks for love, for life.
This is courage:
taking one more breath
when you question
the reason for your being here,
and when nothing seems
good enough to keep you here,
when you want to get away from yourself,
when you want to escape
everything that ails you
and you believe
that nothing will help you,
and when you think
would mean everything to you,
taking one more breath,
and deciding to stay,
you breathe again.
This is grace:
Letting the tears flow
until you’ve been washed clean
of the pain and sorrow
that you have carried
for longer than anyone
ever should have,
awakening from trance
the poison and the antidote
always exist side by side,
opening your eyes,
for just a moment,
to the most incredible miracle
seeing the flow of existence,
remembering there is nothing to fear,
there is nothing to forgive.
giving thanks for love, for life,
you breathe again.
there is nothing to forgive.
I sit down to write my daily poem with one hour left in this day, and I notice how tired I am. Here is today’s NaPoWriMo prompt. It sounds like a beautiful idea and process, but I just don’t have the energy in me right now. So I’m going off prompt!
My whole life was turned upside down last July
when my husband told me he wanted a divorce
and it hasn’t flipped upright since then.
I haven’t eaten well, slept well,
or felt truly like myself in a long time.
I have lost mutual friends to the story he told,
and really, would I want them as friends
if they can turn based on one person’s story?
But all the same I miss them
and don’t know what to do with these feelings
of grief, loss and betrayal.
I don’t know what to do with the images
of him making love to another woman,
images in my mind, more real
than anything I could see in a movie theater.
I don’t know what to do with the hopes I had,
hopes to reconcile, hopes to rebuild,
to recommit, to outlast all the trials
and come out standing, stronger, confident
of our love and our bond.
Yes, I haven’t eaten well, slept well,
and I miss closeness with my husband,
in spite of all that he has said and done.
I guess you could say I’m a little “off.”
Forgiveness leads to peace.
You can give yourself the gift of peace.
Search in your mind
for those against whom
you hold grievances.
Do I want to carry this burden any longer?
Really listen to the answers that emerge
from the depths of your truest self.
Your truest self is peace.
Grievances hide this self from you.
set this self free from the prison you made.
There is so much beauty in the world
beyond your story.
I want to stop trying so hard to be good.
I want to just touch on
my own inherent goodness
and allow it to be enough
for this moment.
I can see our innocence.
I can see how much we try.
I can see that he is doing his best
and so am I.
Could I forgive him
for having this affair?
Could I forgive his mistress
for sleeping with a married man
who has two children and a wife
that he left to be with her?
Could I see her innocence too?
If I can allow others to be who they are
and do what they do
and love them anyway,
there is hope I can afford myself
the same kindness.
There comes a moment
in forgiveness work
when we realize that
there’s nothing left to do
We can try to control the process.
We can try to dig up our own stories
and cleanse our own wounds.
We can see healers,
we can ask for a healing balm,
we can apply it…
but then it’s time to trust
in the healing process.
For just one moment
step away from the story
that you shouldn’t be hurting.
Look at what your pain
has taught you.
Open up to your heart of awareness
and be grateful for what has led you here.
All is as it should be.
Now allow the healing to come.
I was ready for it
and so it came…
I didn’t want to suffer any longer.
I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to heal.
I wanted my children to feel safe
with both of us.
I wanted to release my anger.
I wanted to embrace trust,
to trust in love,
to love what is.
Once the decision was made,
there was no turning back.
Grace swept over me
and through me,
above and below me,
all around me,
in front of me,
past and future,
and I found myself
here in this moment
free and light and clear.