Feeling grateful for where I am
while being clear on where I want to go;
training my mind to accept the possibilities
as they dance around the field of my awareness.
We all have greatness within us
and I’m searching for a way to bring mine forth
so that I can serve in a bigger way.
I always thought I wanted some shaman,
some medicine woman/man, a guru,
a saint, an angel, someone
who could tell me which way to go,
who could know me better than I know myself.
Then I realized
I need to choose my own direction.
I need to craft my path step by step.
There is no one way to do this,
and no one teacher who could steer me right.
Everyone in this world is my teacher,
and as I settle into a calm knowing
that it’s all unfolding perfectly,
I discover that I am the friend
I’ve been looking for.
He let me go
eight months ago.
At first I moaned in sadness
but eight months later
my heart is filled with gladness—
he was never that much
of a lover anyway.
Now I’ve been set free.
And somewhere there is someone
somehow made just for me.
Do I actually believe
in this fantasy?
Well, the thought excites me,
so, yes, why not?
It all begins at the level of thought
Could I not think it and be free
to step into the realm of possibility
and be open to receiving
the love that is meant for me?
This spiritual journey
is a path of tremendous
It remains invisible
to everyone on the outside
except for those
who have the most discerning eye.
If you meet such a Friend,
hold fast to them.
The friend who can see your inner light
is the friend who will support
its outer expression in this world
that is so much in need of your brilliance.
And don’t try to tell me
But I’m not brilliant.
You are made of stardust,
therefore, YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
Your only question should be, then,
How can I express my brilliance
in a way that will bring the most
joy and healing to this world?
Spend your life answering that question,
and it will be a life very well spent indeed.
I was down again today.
Had a spat with my sister,
was triggered, lost it.
I slammed and screamed
around my house
like a lunatic.
I took a bath seething
hotter than the steaming water.
I felt weary, alone,
and so completely low.
I wrote to God,
asking him to strike me down.
I asked What’s the point
of struggling like this?
I asked Why should I
keep suffering like this?
I told God I was so tired
of all of it. I told God
I was ready to die.
Then I cried
and cried and cried
I texted a friend.
I spoke briefly with my mother.
She didn’t know what to say.
I hung up and cried more.
I tried texting my friend again.
No answer. Again.
Crying in my kitchen.
Crying the laundry room.
Crying in the hall.
Crying in my bedroom.
Crying until I was blind.
Finally I tried another friend.
She said, “Wanna bring your kids over for pizza?”
Thank you God.
I guess today isn’t the day to die.
I keep looking for someone to see me,
to be excited about being with me,
a friend who mirrors my dreams
and celebrates them
who looks into my heart
and shares a sweet connectedness.
I think I find a friend
and I get excited.
I reach out, send texts expressing my thanks,
celebrating the synchronicity
that brought us here.
I wait, full of anticipation
looking forward to the experience
of full reciprocation.
And then, static on the other end of the line.
That vulnerable feeling
of thinking I divulged too much,
reached out too much,
suffocated a budding friendship
with my over-zealous enthusiasm.
Was I too much?
Was the connection I experienced
all a dream?
These dreams were mine.
And so were the lies I told myself
about needing someone else
to show me to myself.
Back at square one,
I realize I’ll never be done
looking for a friend
if I can’t first be one to myself.
Look in the mirror
for the greatest friend
and the worst enemy–
we are both.
This potential lives in us
a delicate dance
a pendulum in perpetual motion
swaying this way and that.
Sit in stillness,
come to the center point
Open to something greater
that what you thought you knew.
All paths lead back to the self
and the friend-enemy
that lives eternally in all of us
as pure undifferentiated consciousness
Now, who do you want to be?
By all means meditate,
but don’t do it in order to feel good.
If you sit down thinking
you’re going to experience pure bliss,
you will be sorely disappointed
and maybe you’ll never try again.
But sit to be with what is,
to close your eyes to the outer world
so that you might look inside–
and you might get
an eensy weensy glimpse
of the joy the mystics have sung
through all the ages of human
You have a mind,
and it likes to think.
Sitting gives you a little more perspective,
a way to be friends with all that thinking.
But friendship takes time.
You have to get to know one another first,
and overlook each other’s foibles.
Cultivate genuine warmth
As you learn how to be friendly
and soothe your mind
with some genuine compassion,
and as you learn to open your heart
just a little more–
now you are ready
to be a true friend to others.