Halfway through this challenge, and I have to pause to be grateful for gratitude itself. I began a gratitude journaling practice years before my marriage ended, and had made it a habit to focus on what was going well in my marriage, so I was shocked when my husband announced it was over. Turns out he had been doing the opposite, focusing on what I did that annoyed him. Although I pleaded with him to step back and look at the good in our lives, he had made up his mind that I was the worst wife ever and there was nothing I could do about that. I continued to write in my gratitude journal as my life fell apart at the seams. I continued writing in my journal even as the voices in my head told me I’d be better off dead. I continued writing in my journal as I weathered storm after storm after storm. I have learned perseverance, strength, discipline, will, resilience. I have learned how to put things into perspective. I have learned that I don’t need a man to feel worthy— I am worthy because I exist. I survived. And I attribute a large part of my success to the mindset I developed while practicing gratitude. Thank you gratitude!
I’m a writer, have been since elementary school. I’m grateful I can wield my pen and my words and my voice intentionally, and share what’s going on with me in a way that engages others to share their stories with me. I’m grateful I was taught to read and write. I’m grateful I can create worlds in my mind and assign words to the worlds in a way that will paint vivid pictures in your mind. Words are power, like wind is power, and fire is power, and water is power, and love is power. May the fact of my sharing help one person know that they aren’t alone. May these words written from my heart reach out into the world and make it a more loving place!
I’ve been sleeping alone since June of 2017 when my children’s father decided he was done with our marriage. At first I felt as though I was falling through endless space, or better yet, I was a boat lost at sea in a storm with no safe harbor, tossed around on waves of worthlessness, anxiety for the future, hopeless and futility. I survived the storm. I put my focus on me and my recovery. I vowed to discover what unconditional self-love is; I also vowed to become financially independent. I’m made headway with self-love; I’m still working on the financial independence, therefore, I’m still single, and I’M GLAD. I’m committed to awakening, to allowing the self within me to emerge and express herself authentically. I realize I like being alone and I like the company I keep. I realized I don’t need a man to be complete. I am grateful I have this freedom to be me, on my own.
It’s beginning to finally look somewhat like Christmas around my house. We have a tree; my kids and I decorated this evening. We listened to Christmas carols and hung up ornaments. I’m going to bed thinking Not bad for a single mom.
It’s a blessing to have work I love, a blessing to have enough of this work to earn the income I need to empower myself to move forward. It’s a blessing to know that the work I do benefits others, and leaves me feeling a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. I GET PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE… this is a miracle. As I dive deeper into my work, and bring greater value to my clients and the companies for whom I work, and as I am told about the positive impact I’m having on the lives of those I touch, I am driven to keep going. This month has been a marathon, 2-3 classes every day, no days off. My body is tired and yes, there is a part of me that would love a vacation… And yet, to be blessed with work I love, to have the Universe present me with this opportunity for gainful employment, to create independence as a single mother providing quality life for my children and myself, this is true success, true wealth, true progress. And truly, I am grateful.
A nightmare woke me up at 4:30am; even with the light on I didn’t feel safe. As sleep was out of the question at that point I began to read and lost myself in bits about blue-zone cultures and longevity. And then breakfast and meditation and yoga classes 1-2-3, finishing at 12:30 talking on the drive home with a dear friend in Colorado going through some stuff of her own… then lunch and reordering business cards and thinking about writing an “about me” for my website which has lain dormant for two years, and a shower, ahh…hot, beautiful water… and then it struck me. My daily life used to feel like a nightmare. I would pray to god to give me beautiful dreams so that I could find solace at night when I slept. Now, between working as much as I can teaching yoga and taking care of my two beautiful children, my life has become more fluid and easy and I feel more empowered. This was the dream I was looking for at this time last year. and now it’s real. Without knowing when it would happen or how, I’ve lived into a more powerful version of myself. Today I feel strong, healthy and happy. In comparison to the nightmare it once was, today my life feels beautiful and light. And I am so grateful.