and I feel way less emotional
than I thought I would.
Even with you posting
the picture of your champagne,
saying “Divorce never tasted so good,”
and toasting your adventures
with your “new love…”
I’m not getting the same jolt
I got at this time last year,
when I realized you were with another.
There’s no more betrayal.
There’s no more grief.
There’s no more sense of loss.
I don’t need you anymore.
I have me now.
I have worked hard to heal
and to see what got me here;
I’m stronger now,
I can take care of myself…
and I love myself so much
that I actually enjoy being alone!
So go enjoy your Parisian vacation;
enjoy spending time with her.
I’m living deeper now,
inside a timeless place,
where the comings and goings
of a man such as you
can no longer affect me.
if you can help me shift
from indifference to compassion,
that would really be something!
I found out our divorce had been finalized
because a friend sent me a screenshot of your photo:
Veuve Clicquot on your dining room table
and your caption
Divorce never tasted so good.
And I thought to myself,
Ah, but it has.
My divorce tastes better.
It tastes like FREEDOM.
The fanciest champagne in the world
cannot compare with the
sweet, clear taste of freedom.
And the richest man in the world
cannot buy this freedom;
it must be felt
deep inside a mind
at home with itself
in this one moment.
Last night, something happened.
Was it sitting in a healing circle
with a vibrant group
of beloved colleagues,
Was it the cacao
administered in a ceremonial way,
calling on the four directions,
ancestors, guardians and guides?
Was it my posture as I sat there,
hands over my heart, swaying,
eyes closed, as I listened?
Had everything in my life
simply prepared me for that moment,
I caught a glimpse of what is possible?
Whatever it was,
I came home,
and although it was late,
I was inspired.
I started making lists
of things I could make and offer,
to bring me closer to my goal
of financial autonomy.
I had visions of my creations
delighting and inspiring the hearts
of countless beloveds.
I actually had to make myself go to sleep…
I was buzzing with ideas,
I am truly free to be me,
and life is full, FULL of possibility.
for the better.
Up half the night with a sick child,
scrubbing puke out of the carpets,
attempting not to resent my ex
for leaving me
to deal with moments like these
on my own.
How can I tweak my mindset
when the moment
is so obviously difficult?
Any way you look at it,
a pukey carpet is smelly and gross.
How do you find spiritual wisdom
in disgusting moments?
I tried to tell myself
It is a privilege to clean up my daughter’s throw-up.
Yes I did.
I thought about childless couples
who would’ve paid dearly
many times over
to have a son or daughter of their own,
who would’ve been glad to be in my shoes,
scrubbing mess out of the carpet,
just to know they had a kid to love and raise.
It strikes me now in retrospect,
that it wasn’t so much the content of my mind,
but the act of attempting to shift
from feeling exhausted and overburdened
to the recognition of my blessings—
however disgustingly they were disguised—
that might bear beautiful fruit in the future.
Who knows what can grow
of experiences like these,
when they are met with the awareness
that there is always another way?
Starting the year gently,
Awoke contemplating the privilege
of breathing, being alive today.
asked for the Divine Plan
to be made clear,
opened my heart to
a deeper listening.
But it was the connection with my children,
looking into their bright eyes
and smiling faces,
that touched me most of all.
We walked out into the sunshine
and I remembered
that my purpose isn’t about me,
but something much greater.
This year, may the fullness of life
pour through me,
and may I live in service of
the One who brought me here.
May I honor that One
by expressing the gifts I was born with,
and may I smooth the passage
of those coming after me,
that they may journey in peace and beauty.
I sat in a healing ceremony last night.
The familiar sensation
of wanting to escape,
wanting to get away,
began to take over.
Instead of struggling with it
I breathed, sat up taller,
Madre came to me and spoke.
What are you trying to escape?
There is nothing to escape.
You are trying to escape you.
Don’t try to get away from yourself,
The fear passed,
and I felt deep gratitude
for this opportunity
to heal another story,
to take one step closer
On the longest night
the feminine light
shines full and bright and clear.
The Divine Mother radiates
her love and healing light upon us
and reminds us
that we are never alone.
I am grateful
for the beauty
of this longest night.
As the new day dawns
I remember the light of Spirit,
brighter than the sun,