Tag Archives: grief

When Will I Feel Whole?

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And so the dark night passed,
and I awoke with new hope…
and then this morning at breakfast
my daughter was unkind.
Eight years old and
knows exactly what to say
to poke at the most tender spot.
I’m glad you’re not coming
with us to Utah.
I was devastated,
hurt and angry…
Tired, undernourished,
and without the resources
to be skillful.
I asked if she wanted the other woman
to be her mother.
A most definitive NO was her answer.
It seems the joke is on me.
As much as I try
even a child can break me.
It’s easy to do when my life was shattered
in so many pieces
and my tears are the only glue I have
to hold them together.
I wonder if I’ll ever again
be put back together in one piece.
I wonder…
When will I feel whole again?

Depression Sucks

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I thought it would get better by morning.
It didn’t.
If anything it was worse.
After getting the kids on the bus,
I got back in bed,
hoping to sleep off
some of the depression and anxiety.
I got up a while later;
my body was hungry.
Made myself a protein shake,
went back to bed.
Then the guilt and the shame arrived.
You should be working.
You should be making money.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You’re a piece of shit.
That didn’t help either;
it just made it worse.
You know what?
Depression really, really sucks.

How?

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You have to just let go
they keep telling me.
But how?
I think really
IT needs to let go of me.
IT has its hooks in me.
I want to be free.
I want to feel alive again.
I don’t want to be angry,
hurt, sad or depressed anymore.
I want to set my life in order.
I want my home to be organized.
I want to have work
that allows me
to support myself and my children.
But tomorrow
I apply for food stamps
because my money is all gone.
I get angry when I think about this.
He left our marriage,
and has moved on.
Now he spends his time
and his money on another.
Yes, I want to let go.
But how?

When Will It Stop?

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It got me again today,
creeping up slowly
and then suddenly taking hold…
the depression was back,
and there was nothing
I could do about it.
Everything made me cry—
seeing families together,
imagining myself alone
in the midst of all these people.
I even cried at Chili’s
when I took the kids there
for a birthday lunch for my daughter.
After all this time
and all of these practices, I’m still wondering
When will this pain stop?

I Surrender

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I have to work hard to stay clear,
present, awake, open.
When my beautiful children mention going to dinner
to celebrate their dad’s birthday
with the other woman,
when they say her name,
I just want to vomit.
I want to stomp up and down
and scream out
THIS ISN’T FAIR.
But I’m attending two 12 step meetings
every week now,
and I know enough by now
to turn this one over to my Higher Power.
Now God, show me how to contain myself.
Show me how to be an adult.
Show me how to forgive.
Show me what to do with this sadness.
I give up.
I surrender.
Now can you take this pain away?

What Do I Do?

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My precious ones are back with me
and home feels like home again.
I am struck by the stories they tell.
We met Dad’s girlfriend.
Her cats’ names are Chubby and Skinny.
We had ice cream.
We’re all going out to dinner for Dad’s birthday.
And I realize that the biggest loss of all
may be the loss of the shared experience of family.
We used to do things together.
We used to be a family…
and now we’re not.
I still can’t believe it some days.
Some nights I still reach for him
thinking he’s still in bed with me,
but he has been sharing his bed with another
for months.
Somehow I still love him.
What do I do with this?