Sometimes I wonder how you could go from I love you to It’s over. But that’s exactly what happened, from one month to the next… And yes, nearly two years later, I’m still wondering. I’ve read another book, The Way of the Superior Man,* by David Deida. (You told me I read too many books, but then I think you watch way too much TV.) I flagged each sentence that shed light on what went wrong in our marriage. I’ll go back and reread what I’ve flagged, memorize the passages, so that never again will I share my heart with a weak man, a man who blames his woman for his shortcomings, a man who defends his mediocrity by rescinding his responsibility. I’ll read every book I can get my hands on about cultivating a healthy relationship with myself and healthy relationships with others. I’m becoming quite an educated woman. The beauty of my aloneness is that I get to dream of being with someone who deserves me, and I get to cultivate the deep sense of worthiness that will draw him to me. I’m still healing from the wounds you inflicted when you left our marriage in such a cowardly way. Eventually, though, when I’m with a beautiful, strong man who loves and appreciates my deeply feminine core, I’ll thank you for giving up, because I know I was worth so much more.
*I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It resonated so deeply and clarified so much. I’ve never felt so vindicated, seen, heard and understood. Ladies, every one of you, please read this book. Gentlemen, every one of you, please read this book.
Looking forward, I’m going to choose my way instead of having another humanoid choose for me. Or better yet, why don’t I let the power of the Universe choose for me? Oh that’s right, the power of the universe is within me. I’m going to gravitate toward that which feels good, that which invigorates, renews, inspires, uplifts and gives me the experience of living in the direction of my destiny. I’m going to trust my intuition to guide me. I’m going to allow the blossoming, as naturally as the spring always returns after winter.
After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
It’s done, and I feel way less emotional than I thought I would. Even with you posting the picture of your champagne, saying “Divorce never tasted so good,” and toasting your adventures with your “new love…” I’m not getting the same jolt I got at this time last year, when I realized you were with another. There’s no more betrayal. There’s no more grief. There’s no more sense of loss. I don’t need you anymore. I have me now. I have worked hard to heal and to see what got me here; I’m stronger now, I can take care of myself… and I love myself so much that I actually enjoy being alone! So go enjoy your Parisian vacation; enjoy spending time with her. I’m living deeper now, inside a timeless place, where the comings and goings of a man such as you can no longer affect me. ***********
Now, God, if you can help me shift from indifference to compassion, that would really be something! 🌈🙏🏻❤️✨
Looking back on a year of many ups and downs… Finally, resolution is in sight. This time last year, you will still living in this house. This time last year, you had just begun a relationship with her. This time last year, you were denying it. This time last year, I was losing weight, feeling anxious, angry at your infidelity, your dishonesty, your dishonor. This time last year I held you responsible for my happiness, and I had fallen to the depths of despair. But this time next year, I see myself happier, healthier than ever before. This time next year, I will be standing on my own two feet financially. Maybe this time next year, I’ll have a wonderful man in my life, a man who wants to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I won’t make the same mistakes with him that I made with you. In the midst of the nightmare we shared I learned that my happiness is within me, and when I really find it, no one can take it away, not even you. Now it’s time for integration of what I’ve learned, and space to dream of what is to come. I’m in a more peaceful place now, at home in my body, in my heart, in my mind. I can say “Thank you”—sincerely— for the lessons you taught me, and I can wish you well. May you find wholeness in 2019, may your heart’s desires be granted. May you know healing on all levels. May you be free.
I want to forgive you. I know my pain is holding me back, and I know that my sadness was never your fault. I gave you too much power. I wanted you to be my redeemer. And after a while, you were no longer my lover, or my partner, or my best friend. We fell apart… and it is no one’s fault. But how to move forward, when the pain of loss burns so brightly, still, inside my heart?