Feeling grateful for unexpected grace,
the way the light shines just so
as the sun begins to set,
the way my son dances as he eats
and the way my daughter
sees everything as alive.
This evening I was filled
with the light and the kindness
of beloveds in a virtual meditation circle;
The miracle of technology unfolds,
and here we are instantly connected—
women from all over:
New Mexico, New Jersey,
Colorado, Maryland, Australia…
Just like that we see one another’s faces,
we hear one another’s laughter,
we get to share this one vibrant moment
of existence on planet Earth.
When I get out of my head
and drop into my heart,
the problems set on the stage
of linear time and linear mind
and I’m left with the wonder and awe
and innocence of a child.
Thank you, Sweet Spirit,
for this moment of grace.
Thank you, Sweet Spirit,
for the magic of life.
My mind says “more” is the answer.
More food, more fun, more friends.
And here’s my favorite,
after a year of celibacy—
But the truth coming from my heart is
this is enough.
All of it.
I have enough money, enough time, enough rest.
I get enough companionship, enough attention.
I have enough food, fun and friends,
Now, because I haven’t had any in a year,
it’s a stretch to say
I have enough sex
but you know what?
Celibacy won’t kill me…
I am living proof.
So maybe, just maybe,
I can let “enough” be my mantra.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
Life is enough.
What will I say to my mind
when it argues with this?
What is this yearning,
this longing for connection,
I can’t find what I seek outside of myself.
There is no one out there
who could fill the need within me.
There is a gaping hole in my heart
Left by the one
who said I do,
and then who retracted
to explore our togetherness
eight years later,
I don’t anymore.
But is this even true?
Was there ever a heart to break?
Or was there just an aching need
Maybe he didn’t really leave a hole…
Maybe he left me to find out
that I am always whole,
I awoke this morning
with hope in my heart
and God must have wanted me to meditate
because I was awakened early enough
to sit uninterrupted.
I taught 45 people metta* today
and I am grateful
to have been graced by my teachers
in order to transmit the teaching.
I am a channel of the good medicine
that wants to come through
the vessel of my being.
It brings the deepest joy to my heart
to deliver what will help and heal.
After all these years I’ve learned
that the most beautiful things happen
when I relinquish control.
Therefore I commit to setting aside
the petty protestations of my lesser self
and dissolving into the profound wisdom
of what lies beyond my understanding.
Today, with hope in my heart,
I am excited for what is to come.
I think I might be healing.
My heart doesn’t feel so broken today.
Is this an illusion,
or am I finally seeing reality?
I get to choose, don’t I?
For the last eight months
grief, rage, sadness and loss
have been my constant companions.
Today I proclaimed I wanted a divorce from them.
What future feelings do I want to experience?
Who’s with me?
I was falling, falling
into deep despair,
deeper than I knew was possible.
I prayed to God,
I’m tired of feeling this way
and I want it to stop.
The funny part about Grace
is that it doesn’t always work
on my timeline.
It isn’t linear at all.
It comes when I least expect it.
All of these months of feeling lonely
carved a deep hole in my heart.
At first I thought this was terrible,
but now I know it was
an important initiation
to receive the love
that wanted to pour in.
After months of silence,
and in my darkest moment,
friends reached out to me,
and I reached into me;
I saw my worthiness
and my readiness to be loved.
Now my heart is full.
I was falling, falling,
but today I was caught
in the arms
of boundless Grace.
Wide awake in the middle of the night,
head buzzing with the latest fears, doubts and anxieties,
I decided to dive deep into the ocean of myself.
I discovered stories I had told about myself
I saw the ways that I had unconsciously trained
my husband to perpetuate the stories,
and how desperately I was seeking
love, attention and approval
even in the midst of my beliefs of unworthiness.
Wide awake in the middle of the night
I experienced a profound reckoning,
a chance, a choice to stop telling those stories
once and for all,
to witness and know and hold my goodness
in the vast space of my tender heart—
and to see the innocence in all of us.
Five hours passed as I underwent this reckoning.
The next morning I was sleep deprived
and most likely looked like a zombie…
but awakening to the truth at the core of myself
was worth it!