Tag Archives: heartbreak

Whole Regardless

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What is this yearning,
this longing for connection,
for closeness?
I can’t find what I seek outside of myself.
There is no one out there
who could fill the need within me.
There is a gaping hole in my heart
Left by the one
who said I do,
and then who retracted
his willingness
to explore our togetherness
eight years later,
saying
I don’t anymore.
But is this even true?
Was there ever a heart to break?
Or was there just an aching need
for wholeness?
Maybe he didn’t really leave a hole…
Maybe he left me to find out
that I am always whole,
regardless.

Who’s With Me?

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I think I might be healing.
My heart doesn’t feel so broken today.
Is this an illusion,
or am I finally seeing reality?
I get to choose, don’t I?
For the last eight months
grief, rage, sadness and loss
have been my constant companions.
Today I proclaimed I wanted a divorce from them.
What future feelings do I want to experience?
Joy
Freedom
Humor
Fulfillment
Safety
Connection.
Who’s with me?

Saturday Night Ruminations

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He is gone again on a Saturday night.
I stopped asking long ago where he goes.
And I suppose
he let this marriage go
long ago,
but not I.
I still wake up at night
forgetting this has happened.
I committed for life.
How do you uncommit?
How do you rescind your sacred vows,
spoken publicly?
When I stated mine, I meant them.
I saw us growing old together.
And each time I heard of a couple
going through a separation,
I spoke to him and told him
how grateful I was for our union.
I knew he was unhappy,
but I thought it was just temporary.
I tried to help him.
But he just blamed me.
He left the kids in front of the TV for hours
while I taught yoga today,
and upon my return he left.
Has he met someone else?
Is he with friends?
Will he ever be my friend again?
In time my heart will heal,
but right now it feels so real,
this grief, this pain
from a loss so profound
words cannot touch
this deep dark ground
I’ve fallen on.

Ocean of Life

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I search for meaning
because I want all of this
to mean something…
but what if this was all
impersonal?
What if I could step back,
take a deep breath, relax,
and not see any of this
as a threat?
Peace would come quickly then.
All of the stories of heartbreak,
loss, suffering, injustice
emerge from a sense of self
separate from the world around it.
If I could merge my consciousness
with that of the world’s,
wouldn’t I laugh
at the absurdity of it all?
I could cry all day and night
for twenty years,
and it wouldn’t change
the rhythm of the ocean.
Can I let these waves passing through me
be just another indication
that I am one with the ocean of life?

Time and Space

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Claiming time and space
for this self that wants to emerge
like a butterfly from a chrysalis
even though it doesn’t feel safe,
even though it feels like someone
will smack the chrysalis to the pavement
and stomp on it…
Claiming time and space
for this heart that is unbroken,
even when pieces of it
are scattered everywhere,
believing that there are parts
that remain whole,
searching for those…
Claiming time and space
for the child within,
the one who is innocent,
who didn’t choose any of this,
who tantrums, who says,
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
Taking that child, holding it close,
allowing the healing to take place
in time and space.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Open to Receiving

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Don’t be afraid if you are asked to let go
of someone you presently hold dear to your heart.
Do you grieve the setting sun
knowing that it will rise again at day break?
Do you mourn the loss of summer
as autumn leaves begin to fall?
Do you regret the waves flowing their way
back to the ocean
even though in the next instant
they crash again upon the shore?
Everything in this life
has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Letting go gracefully
makes the space to receive
the many delights life wants to bring you
if only you are open to receiving them.