A sense of heaviness, futility
from deep within.
Maybe it’s a simple case of fatigue.
I summon the courage and the strength
to recognize I won’t feel this way forever.
I face the demons, and I do battle.
No one sees. No one knows.
To the outside world,
I’m this cheerful person.
No one realizes the mighty battle
I’m fighting every day.
Sometimes the greatest wars
are waged within.
This is what Life keeps telling me.
Don’t be so stingy.
Don’t hold on to so much.
You have so much already.
Why would you want to have more?
You arrived with nothing
and you’ll leave with nothing.
Lighten your earthly burden.
You need to give more.
I’m feeling funky
without any real reason.
I’m on vacation in paradise.
My family is here.
I had a good dinner.
Why am I feeling this way?
It must be my thinking.
Could it be I’m having
an unexamined thought
that is making me crazy?
It has something to do
with wanting connection,
wanting to feel seen, heard, understood,
longing to feel like I can relate,
longing to experience that my needs are important
in the eyes of others.
Also this could be PMS.
Note: Every once in a while it feels appropriate to write about the difficulties I experience in my inner world. One of the most common characteristics of depression is the belief that we are alone in this, we are the only ones in the world feeling this. When I write about the challenges I have with my mood, it is not to garner sympathy or to make anyone feel sorry for me. It is for those out there who are experiencing the same thing as I and who might benefit from learning that they aren’t alone in their suffering.
Sometimes I think
I must be going through this
so that I can truly understand
someone else who is going through this…
especially when I can’t think of one good reason
to feel this way for as long I have have felt this way…
like a heavy sad blanket was thrown over me,
and it’s so large
I can’t find my way out from underneath it,
like the darkness within me
has consumed the light,
like my efforts are for nought,
like there must be something wrong with me,
because why else would this be happening,
like I could somehow choose to feel different
and yet I just don’t know how–
there must be some reason I feel this way…
Could it be that life is preparing me
to understand completely
some other being who feels this way?