I had put my head down and refused to attend to the truth,
but the truth is like a beach ball that you try to hold underwater—
it just keeps popping up, and sometimes it bops you in the face.
I had to look at the facts. I’ve been unemployed since mid-March,
my tax refund and stimulus check have not yet arrived,
and I’m trying to make money for groceries by sewing masks
for friends in need…
So today I went ahead and applied for unemployment.
It feels strange to be one of so many…to get in line
behind 42,363 other people waiting for help.
I wonder where the money will come from to help all of us.
I wonder why other governments seem to have all this dialed in,
and our leader is an inarticulate, pompous, ignorant clown
who apparently is telling us to drink disinfectant??
So many things to wonder about on a day like today,
when before you had refused to look at the truth,
and then finally decided to apply for unemployment.
It’s up to me.
I choose how I go through this.
I choose my response.
The old habit may be to panic,
catastrophize and focus
on what could go wrong,
but this habit isn’t helpful.
It isn’t life-affirming,
It doesn’t enable me
to offer my gifts to the world.
Why not breathe?
Why not practice gratitude
for what could be
an incredible opportunity
for awakening, for transformation?
Why not envision
a realm of infinite possibility?
Let’s collectively create
a brand new habit called:
awakening to our blessings,
offering our gifts in service
to the greatest good!
When the light fades
and we are plunged in darkness,
we look to the strong ones
who remember the light,
who can encourage us to remember too.
When your dark time comes,
may you find such a strong one
to lift you up and remind you of the truth.
And maybe, just maybe,
that strong one is YOU.
We women are a special breed—
—we can get through anything.
She was helping me change the address
on my license and scan the documents
proving my identity.
If you wake up
everything else is just a bonus.
I asked her to make me laugh
as she took the picture
for my new license
(my new lease on life).
She asked me to smile for the team.
I told her my ex was a fan
and since then I’ve been looking the other way,
but I’m glad to hear they’re doing well.
Girl she said shaking her head
C’mon now, it don’t have to be like that.
She was right. It don’t.
I spoke with a man today
who specializes in the psychology
of humans being evicted from their homes.
He gave me some sound advice:
This is a low point;
you can only go up from here.
Money is no big deal;
you can always make more of it.
As long as you and your children are healthy,
everything is going to be just fine.
Don’t focus on two years from now,
just deal with whatever problems arise today.
You’ll get through this
and someday this will just be a memory.
It’s awful, but it’s temporary.
He shared that he had lost his house
during the recession over ten years ago.
It helped to know
that he was coming from experience
instead of blind sympathy.
My task now is training my brain to know
that I am safe in this moment,
and conditioning my nervous system
to respond with relaxation
in the face of challenge—
or at least to have a positive mindset
about the challenges.
It feels like a superhuman feat
to trust, to have faith, to breathe,
to choose my mindset…
But the alternative is despair.
I’ll go with Option A.
A fellow meditator and blogger,
upon reading of my financial situation,
planted a seed of kindness
(right into my PayPal account)
and renewed my faith in humanity.
A recovery friend,
upon hearing that my AC had gone up,
called upon another friend
who planted a seed of kindness
(checking my breaker box,
checking my AC unit,
attempted to diagnose the issue)
and further renewed my faith in humanity.
upon hearing of the trauma
uncovered in therapy since the winter,
planted a seed of kindness,
(threw her arms around me,
held me for a moment)
and renewed my faith in humanity further still.
My aunt sent me a package in the mail—
a mother’s day card (with a little cash!)
a recipe, and a bible…
It seems she wants
to renew my faith
in humanity too.
Did I need to create this
of losing my marriage
and now losing my home
because I had lost my faith?
Are all of these situations
simply a chance
to renew my faith in humanity?
All I know is
breathing and being is what I want.
With my faith renwed,
I see it’s possible to relax into this moment
and open to the love that’s already there.
Help me God.
Help me somebody.
I’m feeling lost and alone,
trying to choose my mindset,
but feeling unsure of my direction.
I keep praying for a sign,
that will help me to feel confident
that I’m on the right path.
I’m tired of this struggle,
I want to move forward,
but I feel incapacitated
by my feelings of terror,
I know I need help,
but I don’t know who can help.
I guess I’ll keep praying.
when I sit down meditate,
I light a candle
and I invoke the Archangels.
I pray to them to help me
see what needs to be seen
hear what needs to be heard
do what needs to be done
speak what needs to be spoken
release what needs to be released
receive what needs to be received.
Today a human angel showed up
to help me clear some old stuff
from my house
and make room for the new
Already my house and my soul
are breathing easier.
Do you see?
Without my husband there to help,
getting a Christmas tree
seemed like a daunting task.
I cursed the tradition
as I arrived on the lot,
and inwardly resented
the happy couples tying their trees
on the roofs of their vehicles,
getting it done together.
But I had help too.
Two young men put the tree on the roof,
and I figured out the ratchet straps
to secure the tree (mostly).
Back home I even managed to carry
that seven foot tall
fragrant Frasier fir
inside my house
AND set it on the tree stand,
Someday, one day,
I may find a new love
who will delight in accompanying me
on Christmas tree expeditions…
can I love the one in me
who was strong enough to get it done
all by myself?
There’s a fire in my belly,
a drive to speak, to move,
to bring something up and out,
something strong, courageous,
something helpful, meaningful.
I pray to God…
Guide me to know what to do with this fire.
Let me express it in a way that it will warm
instead of burn,
help, instead of hinder.
Let this time here be meaningful.
Show me how to serve in a way
that brings us together
and lifts us up.