There is so much wisdom in surrender, knowing that I don’t know, opening to guidance, keeping the faith that there’s a reason, relaxing deeper into trust. When I could finally let go of the life I thought I had, the life I felt entitled to, I finally had the space to welcome my real life, as it is, right now. Then the real healing could begin. I had to let go of my marriage and I had to let go of my anger toward my children’s father for abandoning the marriage. I had to let go of control (I had none to begin with). When everything fell apart and there was nowhere to go but through, I learned to get clear and sober and fill my mind with prayer. I learned to turn everything over to a power greater than myself. I turned over my thoughts, words and actions, my hopes, dreams and fears, my beliefs, perceptions, my ideas of success and failure. Somehow, grace pulled me through the darkest nights of my soul; somehow I survived the changes that took time… I am grateful for prayers, sacred words spoken that bolster my courage and soothe my bodymind. I am grateful that my whole life has become a prayer.
I began the day in prayer, turning it over, asking God for guidance. I felt good, knowing everything would be ok. The morning sun gilded every leaf on the trees outside my window and the autumn sky was a powdery blue so soft it nearly broke my heart. I moved and moved and moved more stuff from my old house into my new. I worked and worked and worked. By evening my mind was worn, my temper was hot and I didn’t want to do one more thing for anybody. Then I wondered if the struggle between good and evil, darkness and light, was really a stuggle between the fresh mind of a person newly awakened and the tired mind of a person ready for sleep…
Working hard, day by day to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. Working hard, day by day to provide the things we need to live our best life. Working hard, day by day, to see my character defects and what I can do to improve them. Working hard, day by day, to see how fortunate I already am, and to give thanks for what I already have.
Even though in the past I interpreted challenges like these as evidence that I was somehow deficient, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am willing to see myself with the eyes of love. Even though I find myself uncertain of my future, my AC has gone belly up, and now the outlets powering my refrigerator and freezer are no longer working, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am wiling to see myself with the eyes of love. Even though I never thought I’d be here, never thought that at the age of 42 I’d struggle with anxiety and depression, wondering where I’ll live and how I’ll make ends meet for myself and my children, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am willing to see myself with the eyes of love. I am willing to change and grow. I am willing to learn new skills. I am willing to stand in my power. I am willing to shift this situation. Now, God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Grief: Non-linear. Messy. Unpredictable. Just when I think to myself I’ve got this, I’m better, suddenly, I’m back down on my knees by the side of my bed sobbing the Serenity Prayer to some Higher Power I hope exists but whose presence I cannot quite feel in those moments of deep sadness and disconnection. I turn back to my breath. I sigh out the deep pain, but it keeps coming, the tears keep coming. Is there no end to this?
The path of grace is elusive, like the path of healing, or the path of awakening… You can’t find IT… You must let IT find you. And maybe, could it be that grace and healing and awakening are all intertwined, or better yet, flowing from the same source? What if all those going in search of anything finally recognized that we are all seeking the same thing? What if we all finally took a moment to just sit still, and breathe, and remember the One Source of Everything?
Healing isn’t linear. As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to control this process, there comes a moment when we need to submit, surrender to the Divine Will, and let go into the inevitable. There is no neat line to walk on, only spirals and curves and portals to different dimensions… quantum realities, awaiting our observation, our awakening. I’ve discovered that trying to control leads to more struggle, but breathing, accepting where I am now, and praying earnestly brings me closer to peace. If you are suffering in this moment, this is my wish for you: That you breathe, accept where you are now, and pray to your Higher Power with an earnest heart, that you may be brought closer to peace.