Being ok with change takes practice, so don’t be hard on yourself for not taking this well. We are hardwired to gravitate toward familiarity— it’s how we all survived this long, so in a deep, instinctive way, we all yearn to get back to “normal.” And yet… we were made for these times. This is what we have been preparing for. So, beloveds, take a deep breath, be extra kind, gentle and loving with yourself, hold all your hurting parts with tenderness. Change is hard and sometimes life sucks, but you aren’t alone. We will get through this together.
I ended up in a twelve step meeting a couple of months after my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married anymore. I was devastated; having trouble eating and sleeping, feeling isolated because I had lost a lot of friends in the separation. The coach I was working with suggested a meeting, and found one for me in town. The first meeting I inwardly criticized the room, thought it needed to be redecorated. The second meeting I realized everyone in my life is codependent. The third meeting I started to believe that the program might help me if I worked it. Two and a half years later, I know my program has saved my life. I have found a sponsor and am working the steps slowly but surely… getting ready to do a fourth step soon. When I was ready to give up on life, this program showed up to demonstrate that grace is active in my life, and I am truly grateful.
Training my mind to be content. Not easy, because my previous programming was to always search for what was wrong. Now I look around, and I see faint glimmers of what it means to truly love life, just as it is. Great Spirit, let me love life, just as it is.
When the light fades and we are plunged in darkness, we look to the strong ones who remember the light, who can encourage us to remember too. When your dark time comes, may you find such a strong one to lift you up and remind you of the truth. And maybe, just maybe, that strong one is YOU.
Enveloped in complete darkness, she spells out clearly from her depths words like ropes reaching, asking someone to take hold and pull her out. Maybe if enough people take just one thread of her words, maybe she’ll be lifted out of her pit and see the light of day once more.
When my happiness depends on the actions of others I’ve given my power away. When my peace depends on certain conditions being met I’ve given my power away. When I rely on someone else to help me to feel a certain way I’ve given my power away. When I believe I need something from someone in order to move forward I’ve given my power away. I gave my power away too many times. Now it’s time to call it back.
Something has changed. I don’t feel so stuck. I’ve chosen to stop listening to the old programming, and replace it with something better. I have to be vigilant. If I don’t watch it, the same old stuff will come cropping up, fill my consiousness, and make me miserable: You’re not good enough. Your life is a mess. You’ll never be happy. You’re a failure. When I start to hear that stuff (it usually begins the moment I wake up) I listen to my affirmations app, or The Quote of the Day Show Podcast, or I repeat this new mantra out loud: I am immune to the opinions of others, positive and negative. I am neither greater nor lesser than anyone else. I am fearless in the face of challenges. Yes, I am choosing to rigorously reprogram my mind. Little by little, day by day, I’m starting to feel okay about myself and my life. Even if there are some unknowns about my future. Even if there are some unresolved questions in my heart. Even if I sometimes mess up… I choose to live my life as an adventure, a life that no one has ever lived before. This is my life. I choose to live it on my terms.
I feel lost, alone, directionless, uncomfortable. What is my purpose? It says: You have no purpose. But why I am I alive? It says: There is no reason. You should end it. But what about my children? It says: They’d be better off without you. And my yoga students? It says: You’ve been lying to them all along. It’s time they knew the truth. But surely this will one day get better? It says: Not for you. You will never be happy. But what about nature? The sun? The forest? The cycles of life? It says: What about them? You’re still depressed. You’ll always be depressed. Face it. End it. But I can’t do that to them. To my friends. My family. It says: Why not? They don’t care. Not really. Not enough to help you or save you. I know there are other voices in my head. Why is It the loudest?
If I can just relax long enough to see it, I can recognize that I am safe in this moment, and that everything I was getting worked up about was just stored memory in my body-mind. I am actively trying to retrain this body-mind to receive the message that ALL IS WELL so that I can operate from a mindset of peace rather than from one of reactivity. Although the bulk of my work is invisible, things are changing. And when my inner world aligns with the miraculous realm of infinite possibility, well… LOOK OUT WORLD!
A teacher shared with me recently that we humans live in a great paradox of which we are innately aware but which is so overwhelming that it is the root cause of our misery and all the behaviors that arise from our misery. The paradox is this: Our consciousness is infinite and yet our bodies are finite. The awareness in us is as vast as the universe and yet our tiny physical beings are fragile, vulnerable. This paradox, and the tension it creates is too much for many of us to bear. And so we numb. We fight. We get addicted. We look outside, to escape the tension orginating from the center of our being. I have faced this paradox over and over as I have watched my life dissolve before my very eyes. Everything I knew has been obliterated. The consciousness in me can be at peace with this. My body is terrified, suffering from complex PTSD. Every day I dance on a fine line between hope and hopelessness, love and fear, existence and non-existence, infinity and limitation. I can tell you, it’s a lonely place to dance.