The day dawns,
and with it
a new beginning
full of new possibilities.
God, let me open my eyes
to this day.
Let my path be made clear
Let me see what needs to be seen
and let me do what needs to be done.
And when I close my eyes tonight,
let me know that I lived this day
to the fullest.
In the dark of the year
my soul goes into hiding
and I want to sleep
until the light returns.
And yet I must keep going.
There are children to feed
and students to teach
and this body to bathe and clothe
and lungs that need to breathe.
My mind seeks comfort,
the safety of one who understands.
There is no one here besides me,
and the loneliness engulfs
like the encroaching darkness.
And then, faith.
And then, hope.
And then, the memory
that I’ve made it through this before.
There have been many times
this past year and a half
where I was sure
I didn’t want to go on living.
The pain was too intense,
the grief too deep,
the anger too hot,
the overwhelm too suffocating…
and I just wanted to escape.
But somehow, magically,
at just the point when I had reached
the peak of my pain
and was ready to give up,
someone or something would show up
to help me give life another chance.
I am so grateful for the incredible grace
that has flowed through my life,
always giving me reasons to stay alive
when I was ready to reject everything.
I give thanks to the one who knows me,
to the one who knows exactly what I need
to always give life another chance.
You read that right,
As in, if my soon to be ex-husband
and I manage to collaborate tomorrow
we will reach some sort of resolution,
and this part of the saga will be over.
Please pray for me to be clear,
stay open, and breathe.
I want to move forward.
I want this to be over.
So I will bring my meditation
I’ll breathe and pray while I wait.
I’ll breathe and listen
before I answer.
If I can meditate during mediation,
I can meditate anywhere.
Anybody who prays, sends good vibes, visualizes or otherwise believes in the possibility of something existing beyond 3D reality:
Please hold me in your heart and in your thoughts and prayers as much as you can tomorrow, Monday, November 26, 2018, from 10AM EST on. Best prayer: Lorien, breathe. Best visualization: Me, my children and my soon to be ex-husband happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease, striking a good life balance. Any and all prayers and good vibes are welcome. Thank you in advance!
This afternoon I was really wallowing
(Hey, at least I can see it.)
I was feeling sorry for myself,
lonely, listless, lethargic, worthless,
abandoned, powerless, broken.
And it finally struck me…
If this is my rock bottom,
then I’m doing pretty well.
I’m safe, warm and dry in a home
(even if it’s going into foreclosure
and I have no idea how much longer
I’ll be here).
I have plenty of food available,
electricity, running water, a car that works.
I love my work as a yoga teacher
(even if I am not currently being paid enough
to support myself and my two children).
I have so many books chock full of information
right at my fingertips; I can read and learn.
I can write.
I can reach out to a friend
(even if Depression lies to me
and tells me that no one cares).
And I realized that this is all about focus.
Which thoughts am I focusing on and believing?
And can I focus on thoughts that will help?
I can try to shift my mind
(even if I have tried and tried a million times
and I keep ending up back here).
I can put one foot in front of the other.
I can breathe.
(even if I doubt this will ever change).
Clearly, I need to focus on facts
and ignore the parenthetical nonsense
(even if it seems impossible in this moment).
The deepest pain,
with no beginning and no end,
inherited and bequeathed
generation to generation,
arrived at my doorstep
and I was tricked
into accepting it as mine.
Trapped in the abyss
so dark I cannot see my hands
reaching ahead of me,
I’m tripping, stumbling,
trying to find one tiny glimmer of hope,
trying to find a reason to keep going.
A prisoner of my mind
I cannot see past the immediate
feeling of suffocation,
cannot feel past the ocean of grief
that keeps pulling me under,
and under again.
The unrelenting waves mock my struggle;
they keep coming and laughing,
knowing that eventually I’ll lose my will to fight.
It’s a new day,
and with it comes renewed energy,
and renewed hope.
Can I keep the faith?
A woman said to me yesterday
Faith is spiritualized imagination.
Can I draw from Spirit and my imagination
a scenario that is in the highest and best interests
of everyone, including the one
I continue to blame for my misfortune?
God, give me strength.
Let me see the truth
and move forward with purpose.