This house. This magical house. In January of this year my house was sold at foreclosure auction; my name wasn’t on the title or the deed, and there was nothing I could do to stop the sale. I was terrified. Not long after the sale I was told I had to move, and I didn’t know where to go. I just knew I wanted to keep my kids in their school. I tripled the number of yoga classes I was teaching, sent feelers out, and prayed more than I ever have. In July, a miracle. Friends of friends had a rental home in my kids’ school district and their renters wanted to break the lease early! We met, I brought my financial documents, and proved I was able to pay rent. And just like that, my kids and I had a place to move into! I left behind the betrayal and grief of my past and turned toward new possibilities, a new phase of my life. I am grateful for the miracles of community, strength and faith. Every night when I tuck my kids into bed, I thank God for this house. This magical house.
I wake up anxious.
We have a meeting
with the realtor.
She walks around the house, our house.
We talk about selling it,
about me moving out with the kids
to an apartment,
about what that will look like.
I try not to let them see
how deeply triggered I am
by this conversation.
I finally excuse myself,
cry in the shower.
Life is changing all around me
and I’m holding on
to something that wants to leave.
I long to feel empowered
but I keep looking
in all the wrong places.
I want to be saved
but the inner savior
has fallen silent,
waiting for me
to just get still and listen.
How can I be still
with this discomfort?
How can I trust
that this is unfolding
exactly the way it’s supposed to?
How, in the midst
of the deep grief and pain
can I believe
that these feelings are temporary?
Another dark night begins.
I receive all of this new
fresh spring energy
into my body
I let go of what is no longer needed
from my body
we clear the house
of musty old things that no longer serve
and the energy is vibrant and fresh
when we are done
So it is with the mind and the body
We can spring clean the mind,
letting go of old, self-limiting beliefs
and we can spring clean the body,
feeding it wholesome food,
allowing it to free itself of impurities.
Go on now.
Summon your courage.
The time is right for letting go.
The time is right for welcoming something new!
At some point we’ll be moving
this I know
We want to live a place with good schools
a neighborhood where there is a sense of community
not too far from our work
in a house that meets our needs.
But what do we REALLY need?
We got into a discussion tonight.
I want that fourth bedroom
to welcome family and friends
I would like a room for arts and crafting,
a second bathroom
so that I don’t have to sit around with a
full bladder while my sister
takes her 30 minute shower
a room of my very own for
so that I can write in peace,
so that my spiritual vibe
doesn’t get buried
under dirty socks
and cat litter
and pee pee diapers
But what do I REALLY need?
When I think of the luxury I enjoy
relative to the majority of the world population
I feel ashamed to long for a more spacious house– how dare I want more?
I don’t need to worry about my next meal
or enough warm clothing
to get my children through the winter…
I have both arms and legs,
a mind that thinks
and a heart that loves.
do I really need a fourth bedroom,
do I truly need a space all my own
to put my meditation cushion?
Now I’m caught in that old question
about wanting versus needing…
Do I give myself permission to want?
Do I rein in my desires and simplify my life?
How long does it take to sell a house?
How long to sort through nearly four decades of life?
How long to let go, to trust, to simplify?
How long to uproot, to transplant,
and how long to put down roots again?
My home transforms in preparation
for strangers who will walk through,
scrutinizing the walls, ceilings, floors.
Will they know how much love
we have put into this place?
Will they noticed the freshly mown lawn,
the touched up paint,
the crystal clean windows,
the carefully placed houseplants?
Has this home become another child?
Will I feel sad if it is rejected?
Will I feel sad if it is scooped up by someone else?
Ahh, the questions with no answers…
they lead me nowhere.
But I am now here.
I have one question–
How deeply can I breathe in?
I have one more question–
How slowly can I breathe out?