Little moments of insight coalesce to reveal how much choice I have in this experience called “Life.” It’s so much responsibility, awakening so that your unconsciousness doesn’t harm another. I’d much rather this responsibility, though, than bumbling about in the dark of the prison of my own mind, wondering who turned out the lights.
Little, simple things, such a precious gift: the routine, the calm, the boring, the repetitive, how we long for this now as it all disappears, temporarily. I’m hoping we all seize this opportunity to slow down and go within and remember what’s important to us, what we neglect in our habit of unconsciousness. Let this be an acknowledgement of what is always waiting for this moment when we pause and finally see.
This afternoon I was sitting in my kitchen window seat soaking in the warm sun, looking up at the blue sky, smiling, feeling peaceful. And then it struck me that my life is unique, and it is all mine, and I wouldn’t trade my humble, simple life for anyone else’s life, no matter how fancy or exciting. That was a satisfying moment.
There’s some part of me that chronically resists some aspect of the present moment. You’d think after all this time I’d realize that resistance doesn’t help. But the part that resists is an unconscious part that runs silently in the background, always prompting me to see all things exactly the same way, to keep it routine to keep it familiar. I can’t stop it because most of the time I’m completely unaware of it. The practice is now maintaining enough awareness of my awareness that I can keep some awareness where it matters most.
I’ve always been a sensitive person, wanting to understand myself, my world, who I am, why I’m here. I’m glad I found my way to my journals; I didn’t always have someone readily available to hold space as I explored the contents of my mind. This ability to tune into my thoughts and feelings and put them to words enabled me to also articulate them clearly to another. When I can share who I know myself to be with you, and you can share who you know yourself to be with me, then we create a space for authentic relationship, whether we are friends, family, colleagues or intimate partners. These days I am only interested in authentic connection, with you, with me, with this world. Self-awareness made this connection possible. I am grateful to my teachers who led me to this space of self-exploration through meditation, therapy, contemplation, writing, being. I am grateful to know that my Self is bigger than this woman I am, in this body as it is, with this mind, with this identify. Self-awareness taught me that I am this world, I am you, I am this universe. Only gratitude now, as the self within me reminds me that nothing more needs to be said.
Just letting this moment be enough and exploring the idea of contentment, realizing there are no missing pieces— finally, the freedom she had been seeking revealed itself eaily and naturally, as if it had always been there. Then she realized that it really HAD always been there. The moment she chose to pay more attention to her inner experience than to the judgments of others she recognized the sweet truth of it all.
I shared my story tonight, was witnessed by my recovery family as I told the tale of the last two and a half years of my life. There were moments where I thought I might not make it through, so overcome was I by emotion. But I breathed, I paced myself, I spoke through the emotions, I let my family see me. Afterwards, these beloveds gave me hugs. they told me they were proud of me, of how far I had come. They told me they were inspired by my story, my willingness to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to be seen so deeply. Life is a mystery; it can only be understood looking backwards. As I look back on the last two years, I can see that the worst day of my life was the greatest gift— of freedom, of authenticity, of finding my true power, and expressing it out in this world.