No matter what, I’m learning. I’m learning that beyond duality there’s a gorgeous realm of seeing without judgment, without the labels of right or wrong good or bad male or female. We could also call it the realm of being or the realm of experiencing. It’s where the mind that fixates on the past or projects into the future doesn’t hold the same sway, where the living, breathing moment holds us and relaxes us to the point that we can open to it and welcome it like we would an old friend or lover who knows all there is to know about us and loves us anyway.
Maybe if I try it this way? And what about this? Audio, video recording my voice, my image, my words wanting to share (but with whom?) hours and hours envisioning my ideal life with my ideal partner in this future reality when I’m finally living the life I was born to live. At some point the magic I lived in my mind last year will be magic I’m living in my whole body right now. At that point the heavens will open up and I’ll no longer know my own name as the oneness takes over.
I believe everything is a test and I think I should pass every test with flying colors. But how can I do well on the test if I haven’t learned the material? It’s important to admit when I’m in over my head, to see when I’m not prepared, to ask for help when I need it. There are no short cuts. In the school of life we can’t skip grades.
Sometimes I wonder how you could go from I love you to It’s over. But that’s exactly what happened, from one month to the next… And yes, nearly two years later, I’m still wondering. I’ve read another book, The Way of the Superior Man,* by David Deida. (You told me I read too many books, but then I think you watch way too much TV.) I flagged each sentence that shed light on what went wrong in our marriage. I’ll go back and reread what I’ve flagged, memorize the passages, so that never again will I share my heart with a weak man, a man who blames his woman for his shortcomings, a man who defends his mediocrity by rescinding his responsibility. I’ll read every book I can get my hands on about cultivating a healthy relationship with myself and healthy relationships with others. I’m becoming quite an educated woman. The beauty of my aloneness is that I get to dream of being with someone who deserves me, and I get to cultivate the deep sense of worthiness that will draw him to me. I’m still healing from the wounds you inflicted when you left our marriage in such a cowardly way. Eventually, though, when I’m with a beautiful, strong man who loves and appreciates my deeply feminine core, I’ll thank you for giving up, because I know I was worth so much more.
*I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It resonated so deeply and clarified so much. I’ve never felt so vindicated, seen, heard and understood. Ladies, every one of you, please read this book. Gentlemen, every one of you, please read this book.
Looking back on a year of many ups and downs… Finally, resolution is in sight. This time last year, you will still living in this house. This time last year, you had just begun a relationship with her. This time last year, you were denying it. This time last year, I was losing weight, feeling anxious, angry at your infidelity, your dishonesty, your dishonor. This time last year I held you responsible for my happiness, and I had fallen to the depths of despair. But this time next year, I see myself happier, healthier than ever before. This time next year, I will be standing on my own two feet financially. Maybe this time next year, I’ll have a wonderful man in my life, a man who wants to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I won’t make the same mistakes with him that I made with you. In the midst of the nightmare we shared I learned that my happiness is within me, and when I really find it, no one can take it away, not even you. Now it’s time for integration of what I’ve learned, and space to dream of what is to come. I’m in a more peaceful place now, at home in my body, in my heart, in my mind. I can say “Thank you”—sincerely— for the lessons you taught me, and I can wish you well. May you find wholeness in 2019, may your heart’s desires be granted. May you know healing on all levels. May you be free.
Who am I to dream, to believe these dreams could be fulfilled? Who am I to envision, to see myself serving in a bigger way? Who am I to imagine, to fantasize that the Divine wants me just as much as I want it? I have no idea who I am, but I know that I am not who I once thought I was. God bless this journey toward the unknowable destiny of my dreams, visions and heart. Bless the questions that I ask, that they may swell into wide open doorways of possibility. Let me surrender into this process of asking again and again, Who am I until someday I can understand it’s the asking— not the knowing— that calls life back home to life.