Tag Archives: learning

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 16: Toys of Her Own

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Today we’re asked to write about play.  See the prompt here. This year, I’m noticing I’m consumed by the theme of the decimation of my marriage, and so this is the first thing that came to me as I read the prompt.

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There wasn’t enough of it in our relationship.
If there had been, we might have stood a chance.
But things got so serious, especially after we became parents.
The sad part is, we really had all we needed,
and the kids showed us every day how to be natural,
lighthearted, taking pleasure in simple things,
finding the joy in every little thing.
We could’ve let them be our teachers,
but we were too busy trying to be adults.
After a time the little boy in you began to tantrum;
he was tired of being ignored.
And you hadn’t done the work of deep listening,
so the feeling of discontent was taken as evidence
of my failings and our inherent incompatibility…
and that’s the story you told.
We’re just not right for each other.
We’ll never be able to make this work
or so you said. Yes, you weren’t willing to change.
That responsibility fell on me.
So the little girl in me said, “OH HELL NO!”
I had done the work of deep listening,
and I took time to honor the voices within.
Out of love for you and because
I was committed to our marriage,
I increased the time spent sorting myself out,
because I knew I’d be a better wife,
lover, mother, friend, and creatrix
if I could understand the currents at work
within me.
But all those things scared the little boy in you.
He called me selfish.  He said I wasn’t a partner.
And after eight years and two beautiful children,
the tantruming little boy said, “ENOUGH!”
So you got out and you played.
First with some friends,
eventually with another woman’s body.
I try to see the innocence,
you entering her
the way you would a playground,
you picking her up
the way you would pick up flowers
and sticks and bugs,
you riding her
the way you would a swing…
But it wasn’t as innocent as all that,
and you lied when I discovered your games,
tried to make me think I was crazy,
tried to make me doubt myself, my intuition.
Now you’ve found a more expensive toy,
a BMW. Is the little boy happy now?
Maybe one day you’ll see that all you really wanted
was to be seen, and heard and held,
to laugh, to run, to be free…
all you wanted was a little play.
I could’ve given you that,
but you thought you needed new toys.
Farewell, little boy.
This little girl has done her homework.
After the dust settles,
you’ll need to go back to school
and work hard to relearn some basic skills—
respect, honor, dignity,
commitment, understanding, empathy.
Meanwhile my little girl
will be having the time of her life.
She’ll be outside running in the open air,
shouting, whooping, dancing, spinning,
playing with friends and new toys of her own.

The Life That I’m Living

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I keep searching and searching for meaning.
I want to understand.
I think I’ve found something,
and the understanding melts away
to reveal still more questions
a deeper search, an endless journey.
Could I embrace the process of becoming?
Could I stop asking myself to arrive
and instead be content with each small step?
In the infinite realm of possibility
that is this Universe,
there is no end point,
just a constant cycling and recycling
of energy and experiences.
Even death is just another beginning.
So can I let go of the story
that I need some neat, tidy resolution
to the life I’ve lived thus far,
and simply love and embrace
the life I’m living right now?

Never Be Done

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Raw. Vulnerable.
Exposed.
Strong. Confident.
At ease.
Grief, then joy.
Exhaustion, then motivation.
Emptiness, then fulfillment.
For so long I thought the goal
was never-ending bliss.
Then I grew up (a little).
Now I see that to be fully human
means to experience
the full range of human emotions.
Each one has a story to tell,
a lesson to impart.
And we are meant to learn
our whole lives.
We will never be done.

Never Done Learning

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I think I’ve found the answer
but then I’m left with more questions,
always more.
Depending on my mind state,
this is good news or terrible.
Questions are open doors
leading to new worlds,
and I do love exploring—
but sometimes
I just want to feel safe.
Sometimes
I just want to be held
in a safe little world
I understand.
How then to make peace
with the questions
and love them
like treasure chests
as we crack them open
to reveal the jewels inside?
How to use this currency
to travel to faraway places
and expand even more?
One thing is for sure:
I’m learning every day
that I’ll never be done learning.

Keep Digging

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I discovered
that I can let Life surprise me.
When I realize I’m the Fool,
my mind is open to new learning.
When my heart is broken
I have a chance to see the light
shining from the million tiny pieces,
more beautiful than all the stars
in the darkest night sky.
Sometimes the deepest pain
holds an even deeper treasure.
May I trust
and keep digging.

The Universe Laughs Last

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The Universe is a jokester,
its arms lightly crisscrossing
its abdomen
doubled over in laughter
pointing at me…
bellowing bawdy guffaws
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Slapping its thigh,
so satisfied with itself.
Every time I think I get it,
I learned the lesson,
I figured it out,
something else happens,
and a big neon sign flashes
right in front of my eyes,
SURPRISE!
And I’m standing there,
mouth hanging open,
eyes blank,
WAIT, WHAT?
Looking so foolish.
And that’s how I figured
no one escapes from the game.
I could play smart
or I could play dumb
but I don’t get to sit out.
And the universe always
laughs last.

Thinking About Patience

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Oh Patience,
why dost thou elude me?
Why, when I need you the most,
do you seem to be in such short supply?
Oh, child,
that’s how it is.
While learning how to be patient with life,
you need to be patient with yourself.
Patience with Self
is a sure sign that you’re ready
to be patient with others.