I could hear this one song playing
in my head all day long
but I couldn’t remember
the artist or the title
or the album art…
I kept reminding myself
to just relax,
I would find it when it was time.
But the music haunted me,
and I kept searching.
I went through so many
And I was struck (again)
by how I deprive myself
of this beautiful present
when I’m searching
for what isn’t there,
what isn’t available,
what isn’t clear,
what isn’t understood.
Finally, I let it go.
I went about my business.
I lived my life.
I read. I ate.
I went to a twelve-step meeting.
I checked in with a friend via telephone.
And then, much later,
I heard the song playing in my mind again.
I searched another playlist,
and within one minute I found it.
And I was struck (again)
at how everything comes to me
in the perfect time and space sequence…
and especially when I just relax
and allow life to unfold.
Trying so hard to be good,
to get this right,
to stay organized,
to let go,
to just keep going
day after day.
Is that my problem?
Am I trying too hard?
What would happen
if I just stopped,
took a deep breath,
Now that I’ve been
“I love myself, I love myself,”
as much as possible,
I’ve been naturally drawn
to taking better care of my living space.
I’ve been decluttering the house
room by room,
taking trips to the local donation spots,
and each time I release something,
I can hear the house
sighing in relief,
If space is really what we need,
why do we spend some much time
to fill it with?
may we stop
just long enough
to take a breath,
look into one another’s eyes,
where we are.
Sorting through years of being together,
so many memories surfacing,
the sentimentality of it all.
When you left,
you took what you wanted
and left the rest,
an apt metaphor for our life together.
Now I’m left to sort through
the aftermath of our togetherness…alone.
Our children’s artwork, books, clothing, and toys,
bits of this and that,
odds and ends accumulated over the years…
You told me I didn’t want to move
because I have so much sh*t
that I just don’t want to deal
with sorting it and packing it up…
You were only partially correct.
For starters…a lot of this is OUR sh*t, sir,
which is what happens when two people
create two children and live together
for eight years.
A part of me doesn’t want to deal with it,
you are right—
but that’s just one part.
That’s the part you knew and criticized,
the one that was never good enough for you.
But I have other parts.
There’s one part who has been
only too glad to purge myself of you,
my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit,
my home…free from you.
There’s another part that is so strong
and so resilient, it has been working diligently
to release, release, release the old
in order to welcome the new.
Another part is really glad for the future
without you in it as my tormentor,
and who looks forward
to (one day when I’m ready)
stepping into the embrace
of a real man,
a man who sees me and loves me
for my power and strength,
my creativity and sensuality,
my generosity and compassion,
my ability to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings,
my humor and my excitement about life.*
Yet another part is deeply calm and peaceful,
and maybe a little amused at this whole process.
Turns out, sir,
you didn’t know me.
You didn’t know me very much at all.
*Yes, if you had seen and appreciated any of these qualities, our story would have been very different. Your loss, buster. But namaste all the same. 🙏🏻🌈✨
Miracles are everywhere.
How many you experience
on how open you are.
I feel so closed.
I don’t know how to be open.
Can you breathe?
Well then, let’s breathe.
You’ll open naturally
if you breathe.
This is taking too long.
Where are the miracles?
Ah. I see.
Your impatience is what blocks you.
You must trust
with all your heart.
Trust? Why should I trust?
Nothing ever works out in my life.
Ah. Is that true, my friend?
Nothing works out?
Well, I can’t convince you otherwise.
Maybe I can’t help you after all.
Who am I to talk you out of your misery,
when you fight with every fiber of your being
to keep it close to you?
Let’s talk again
when you’re ready to be happy.
You’ll have to die first though.
You’ll have to die
to who you thought you were
so that you can be reborn
to who you might be.
But you must be brave.
Most won’t tolerate such an initiation.
Let me know when you’re ready.
I’ll be here.
You never cared about my words before,
but now, suddenly, you do?
You think you can use them to hurt me?
The joke’s on you.
If you’re going to read them,
you might as well know,
that I will love you always,
although not as before.
You share a bed with another now…
Do her eyes meet yours with equal intensity?
Will she be there for you if you fall?
Does she love your family like I still do?
Will she hold your nieces and nephews
in her heart, will she look into their eyes?
Will she make you pajamas too?
Will she make your bed?
Will she wash your clothes?
Will she scoop the litter box?
Will she bring you tall glasses of ice water
in the summertime
when you’re outside doing yard work?
Will she stand up to you
when you try to force your hand?
Or will she just drink and watch TV with you?
Enjoy a rock concert or two,
a fancy dinner, a fancy vacation,
just her and you…
That’s what you wanted, yes?
Another you, with longer hair
and a female body
to help you forget
what you left behind.
You read that right,
As in, if my soon to be ex-husband
and I manage to collaborate tomorrow
we will reach some sort of resolution,
and this part of the saga will be over.
Please pray for me to be clear,
stay open, and breathe.
I want to move forward.
I want this to be over.
So I will bring my meditation
I’ll breathe and pray while I wait.
I’ll breathe and listen
before I answer.
If I can meditate during mediation,
I can meditate anywhere.
Anybody who prays, sends good vibes, visualizes or otherwise believes in the possibility of something existing beyond 3D reality:
Please hold me in your heart and in your thoughts and prayers as much as you can tomorrow, Monday, November 26, 2018, from 10AM EST on. Best prayer: Lorien, breathe. Best visualization: Me, my children and my soon to be ex-husband happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease, striking a good life balance. Any and all prayers and good vibes are welcome. Thank you in advance!