I’m praying every chance I can get
God please show me what to do,
I’m struggling, please guide me.
In the morning I wake up thinking
I choose to love myself
because I deserve my love.
I keep telling my story.
It gets exhausting telling my story.
I tell it to my friends. Therapists.
Anyone who will listen.
They all say, You got this.
It will all be okay in the end.
But I want someone to rescue me.
I want someone to come along
and make these problems disappear.
And God, Grace, The Universe,
or is it just my luck,
continues to send me people
who listen to my story
tell me You got this
and who walk away.
I need to solve my own problems.
Apparently, I need to realize
that I’m stronger than this.
Apparently, I need to walk this path alone.
There are people cheering on the sidelines,
but I guess I need to walk this path alone.*
*And I have to tell you, it’s lonely down here in this big black hole…
I keep searching and searching for meaning.
I want to understand.
I think I’ve found something,
and the understanding melts away
to reveal still more questions
a deeper search, an endless journey.
Could I embrace the process of becoming?
Could I stop asking myself to arrive
and instead be content with each small step?
In the infinite realm of possibility
that is this Universe,
there is no end point,
just a constant cycling and recycling
of energy and experiences.
Even death is just another beginning.
So can I let go of the story
that I need some neat, tidy resolution
to the life I’ve lived thus far,
and simply love and embrace
the life I’m living right now?
Maybe I am certifiably nuts,
but hey, I will enjoy this journey.
what’s the point, seriously?
Living this path of joy
you could reach the end
and say with confidence
I LIVED every day of my life!
You could be terrified at the end
full of grief, regret, longing,
seeing so clearly
all that you could have done
or should have done
but chose not to do
because you didn’t see
how absolutely worthy
you were of the deepest joy.
Tell me again,
which do you choose—
The path of regret
or the path of joy?
That’s all this really is.
Because our realities
are formed by our thoughts,
if we don’t like what we see
we need to rearrange how we think.
I’m not saying that we tolerate
the intolerable, oh no.
We aren’t being apathetic
to injustice or tyranny, nope.
A proper mindset
keeps us aware
of our power
and shows us how to wield it
in the wisest of ways.
I choose now
to be a stand for what is good
in the universe.
I see that good.
And I do everything in my power
to help others to see it
and express it
for the benefit of all beings.
Soon we’ll be heading back home.
How will it feel
to leave the warm Arizona desert
and return to the reality
that awaits me back home?
What do I do
when home doesn’t feel like home?
It’s cold in Maryland.
My husband and I are meeting with
the mediator next week.
I still grieve the loss of our friendship,
the loss of closeness, of trust,
of a shared future.
I want to have answers
but that’s not how this works;
I’m living my path
day by day,
moment by moment.
I want to see the whole
trajectory of my life,
but all that is ever revealed to me
is the next step forward,
just one step at a time.
So I take one step.
That’s all I can do.
My deep wish
in this moment
is that the magic I felt
will be so integrated
within my Self
it will stay with me
and live in my heart
as I turn towards
what waits for resolution,
opening to what is.
A friend who is close to
15 years my junior
wrote about the uncertainty
of her life right now,
the turmoil in which she finds herself,
how challenging it is for her right now.
I remembered being 25,
full of turmoil,
full of debt,
thinking there was something wrong,
hoping a spiritual master would show up
and show me the way.
One day way back then
I imagined who I would be as an old woman,
smiling, peaceful, happy, content.
Reaching through time,
taking both my hands in hers,
she reassured me that it would all be okay.
I cried and trusted her.
Today, I ask my present self
to reach back to my younger self
and reassure her once again.
She, who was so full of doubt,
would be happy to know
that my life has great purpose now.
She, who was so anxious to
see a clear path
would be happy to know
that she has no choice
but to always be on the right path.
There is no wrong path.
There is only one path.
Life is the path.
Surely there is a way to relax
in the midst of these life challenges.
Surely there is a way to soften
so that I don’t exhaust myself
trying so hard all of the time.
Surely there is a way to be gentler,
more accepting of the human that I am.
Surely there is a way to open my heart
to my own suffering,
to meet it tenderly, with warmth and kindness.
I suppose this is the path I must take:
I know surely that there is a way,
and now I only need to find it.