I was stumbling around in the dark,
bumping and bashing into things,
tripping, falling, bumbling,
wondering why I had no direction…
Then, I got clear,
found the light,
switched it on and SAW.
I made a mess
when I was crashing around blindly,
and now, in my clarity,
I see there are some repairs to be made.
To myself: It really isn’t all your fault.
To my kids: I’m working on being the patient, loving,
kind, compassionate mother you deserve.
To life: I really am grateful for you,
and I’m sorry if I ever appeared otherwise.
To God: Please just tell me, because I am so dense,
where you want me to go, what you want me to do,
what you want me to say, and to whom.
Let me stay awake now.
Let the light keep shining.
It’s time to let go of the stuff that no longer serves you.
It’s time to stand in your truth
and lead from your heart center.
It’s time to take action,
so summon your courage.
But…I don’t have any courage.
Of course you have courage.
Don’t you have a heart?
Yes. I have a heart.
Well if you have a heart
then you have courage.
Sit, my friend.
Close your eyes.
Put your hands over your heart.
Feel your heart beating.
There. There is your courage.
But I’m afraid.
Of course you’re afraid!
The old you doesn’t want to change.
But you are not your old self.
You are not your family, your race,
your gender, your job, your role.
You are not your broken places
crying out for healing.
You are the one who knows the light,
who moves continually toward it
in ever-widening circles of grace and love.
You are the one who seeks expression
of the gifts buried within you,
who knows these gifts will bless the world.
Gifts? What gifts? I don’t have any gifts.
Of course you have gifts!
Out of 7.7 billion people on this planet,
there is only one you.
You are unique.
Therefore, you have gifts.
You can feel fear
and take action anyway.
You can have doubts
but know that you have something to give.
Feel the fear, have the doubts,
but move toward your dream.
This is courage. You are courage.
We need you. Please do not leave us in darkness.
We need your light.
But I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
You are not alone.
We are with you.
Every single one of us who has a heart—
we are with you.
For now, all I need you to do is breathe.
Can you do that?
Yes. I can breathe.
Good. Then let’s breathe.
On the longest night
the feminine light
shines full and bright and clear.
The Divine Mother radiates
her love and healing light upon us
and reminds us
that we are never alone.
I am grateful
for the beauty
of this longest night.
As the new day dawns
I remember the light of Spirit,
brighter than the sun,
I’m feeling better,
and for this
I am extremely grateful.
Tomorrow is the Solstice.
The light will return little by little
in this hemisphere,
in this heart.
Keep holding on
Hold on for the light
The solstice is in seven days
Hold on for the light
You can hold on
Hold on for the light
Swirls of feeling…constantly.
Will the waves ever let up,
will I always be tossed
on this turbulence,
or should I embrace
this intensity and surrender
to the currents moving through me?
Does deeper feeling
mean deeper experience?
Does more darkness
mean more light?
Tears and then laughter.
Rage and then serenity.
I try to hold myself together,
but who is doing the holding,
and who is in danger of falling apart?
I choose sobriety,
and without the buffer of some distraction
the feelings I’d been running from
hit me full force.
Is this my new normal…
and can I handle it?
I’ve been searching for something out there,
sometimes catching a whiff of its fragrance
in the wind.
It would render me melancholy
to sense it but experience it
so far away,
when my heart longed for this thing
I could not know.
Sometimes it was a rush of cold air
into my nostrils
as I stepped from my grandmother’s house
into the winter night
and I’d search for the star
in the dark blue sky
that told me the light
was returning soon.
For the longest time
I feared the magic and suppressed it
much to my heart’s dismay.
The whole world seemed cold and dark
and I was trapped in a prison
of my own making.
Spirit came to rattle me out of my cage
and throw me into the light of day.
Such a fool I was,
resisting a project of God’s hand.
How can I stop the ocean from surging?
How can I move the sun in the sky?
How can I make the moon glow brightly?
How can I give the gift of new life?
I only experience these things
because consciousness pours through me.
Who made this consciousness,
the perceiver and the perceived?
My body speaks clearly.
Its language is believed.
I trust the longing in me now.
The magic in me swells alive within.
I open the door to the cold and dark everywhere
and catch its beloved fragrance on the wind.