Today I turn 43;
This body has made
43 trips around the sun,
and it seems significant
that I find myself alone
to send up rockets of appreciation
from my square foot of earth
to celebrate the occasion of my birth.
I like myself.
I like the company I keep
in the quiet moments
when there is no one else
to break the silence,
when I have the space to listen to
the deep music of what continues
without human effort,
when we finally slow down
and accept that
enough is enough.
If I can just get quiet and still
and go within and listen
I can hear the heartbeat
of the Universe.
I can feel the deep peace
that is my true nature.
I can sense the oneness of being
that is the truth of existence.
Yeah, I should probably
just get quiet and still
and go within and listen
The voice clearly said
Bring your guitar and sing them the song.
And she shook her head, thinking, No way.
But the voice repeated
Bring your guitar, and sing them the song.
They went back and forth a few more times,
until she acquiesced.
She brought her guitar, she sang them the song.
And then silence…
So she asked the voice
Why would you have me sing
if they didn’t even acknowledge the song?
And the voice said,
It’s not about them, darling,
It’s about how you relate to yourself
when you step outside your box
and let your voice be heard.
Now, keep singing.
I’ve had this lingering cold since September,
finally went to the doctor yesterday;
she wants me to squirt stuff up my nose,
gargle with salt water, and rest.
I’m tired of feeling draggy,
tired of living surrounded by boxes,
tired of being tired.
So today, I rested.
And it’s nuts what the voices in my head tell me.
Don’t be lazy.
It’s not so bad.
Look at your house! It’s deplorable.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
My overworking made me sick.
And now I’m trying to get better…
but somehow I’m not allowed
to do the things that will help me get better?
Another voice speaks.
Discern the voice of truth.
Listen a little more deeply.
Hear the song of being.
Let yourself heal.
Just when I thought all was lost,
just when I felt defeated
and it looked like all my efforts were in vain,
Grace sweeps in and shows me
that all is well, and to just keep going.
When I’ve been looking through eyes
that cannot see clearly,
it’s time for a new way of seeing.
I cannot anticipate the magic of my future
looking through the lens of my past experiences.
My conditioned mind screams in terror;
it wants to know and understand and be in control.
Grace says, “Shhhh, shhhhhh, just breathe. Get still.”
When I listen to Grace, all is well.
I should keep listening to Grace.
I wake up gently before the sun
and my first thought is
Thank you. Thank you for another day on this planet.
I am excited for the possibilities of this day.
I remember my children will meet their teachers.
I remember I have laundry to do.
I remember that I need to start packing up this house.
I remember that this can all wait
until I sit, and check in with the Source,
the consciousness within me
that spins out all of these perceptions
and weaves them together to create
the experience of a single mother
waking up to greet another day.
If I am right with the One within,
then my day will flow with beauty.
I am grateful for this time.
I remember that although I have a body
I am not simply this body. Or this mind.
Or these circumstances.
I am Spirit, clothed in form,
and the degree to which I can remember
and stay present
is the degree to which my light will shine
to illuminate the form in which I move
and breathe and express,
the degree to which my circumstances
will be illuminated, my choices made clear,
my committment firmed,
my conviction made manifest in action.
And so, first things first.
I wake up, and I sit.
And it is good.
I was preparing myself
to be alone and miserable on the 4th.
No one had invited me to anything.
I was ready to feel angry at my ex
for leaving me and
taking all our friends with him,
angry because my kids are with him this year,
leaving me all alone.
But then I had a conversation with myself…
How do I want to feel?
I want to feel happy, connected.
Who could help me feel that way?
People who are earthy, who love nature,
who celebrate with music and healthy food.
Who do I know like this?
And then suddenly I remembered a friend
from kirtan and drum circles,
a friend with whom I sat in ceremony.
I felt vulnerable and pretty pathetic
having to ask, but I asked…
I asked if he was doing anything for the 4th,
and would it be okay for another person to tag along.
No pressure, I said, just thought I’d ask.
And he answered that he’s going to a gathering
at a friend’s house…a potluck, with a cacao ceremony
and kirtan…and he invited me to join the goodness!
I have plans for the 4th.
It’s a miracle!