Tag Archives: loneliness

If Only

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I didn’t know
I could hurt this much.
As I pierce through
one layer of grief
I discover a whole new layer
to navigate.
If I start to wonder
how many layers there are
I make myself crazy with anxiety,
asking if I can bear it much longer.
Maybe my work is acceptance.
Not trying to figure the pain out,
but allowing it to come, to be.
It might have something to teach me,
if only I’d listen.

Another Dark Night

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I wake up anxious.
We have a meeting
with the realtor.
She walks around the house,
our house.
We talk about selling it,
about me moving out with the kids
to an apartment,
about what that will look like.
I try not to let them see
how deeply triggered I am
by this conversation.
I finally excuse myself,
go upstairs,
cry in the shower.
Life is changing all around me
and I’m holding on
to something that wants to leave.
I long to feel empowered
but I keep looking
in all the wrong places.
I want to be saved
but the inner savior
has fallen silent,
waiting for me
to just get still and listen.
How can I be still
with this discomfort?
How can I trust
that this is unfolding
exactly the way it’s supposed to?
How, in the midst
of the deep grief and pain
can I believe
that these feelings are temporary?
Another dark night begins.

Which Voice?

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I start to feel like I’m slipping.
Is it because I’m so tired?
Have I done too much today?
But wait,
am I not here
to help others?
I should be doing more.
But I’m not feeling so great.
I’m tired.
I don’t want to do anything
for anyone.
Stop being selfish.
But I need to put on
my oxygen mask
first.
Stop being so self-absorbed.
I’m feeling lonely.
I don’t want to do this.
Stop whining. Buck up.

Get back to work.
But I’m tired.
So many voices in my head.
Which one is telling
the truth?

Remember the Inner Light

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Tired and low again today.
My fear is that this state
becomes my normal state,
that I cease to have hope,
that my resolve to change
crashes and burns.
I remember suddenly
that the solstice is in one week.
These are the darkest days of the year.
May I remember the inner light
as the world grows darker
and the nights longer.

Please God, Help

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Unraveling.
darkness taking over…
no energy,
no will.
Lost.
Alone.
Hopeless.
I’m afraid to ask if this could get worse;
I don’t think I could bear it if it did.
Weak.
Hating this part of me that is so sad.
Angry.
Angry at life.
Angry at everything, everyone,
but most of all angry at my Self
for somehow allowing this to happen.
Did I have a choice?
What could I have done differently to avoid this?
Could this have been avoided?
Please god, help.
I can’t see the light anymore
and I’m scared.

Let Myself Go

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I curl inside myself
even tighter
than I ever have before.
It is dark, uncomfortable,
lonely,
far away from everyone.
It should feel safe
but it doesn’t.
This isn’t a fearless navigation
of unknown territory…
it’s staying stuck in one place,
terrified, confused.
I can’t remember
why I’m so scared
or what got me here
in the first place.
I’d like to get out
if only I’d let myself go.

Deeper Initiation

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The world is closing in
and my feelings overwhelm me;
there is no escape.
Wisdom speaks.
It says:
When it appears
that there is no direction to turn,
it is time to turn within.
Can I tease apart
the many layers of my grief?
Can I find the slivers of light
that make their way in
when I reach for the spaces
between the darkest thoughts?
I never knew it would be this hard.
I wonder who’ll I be
on the other end.
Someone suggested
that this is an initiation of sorts.
Initiation into what?
I know sadness, loneliness,
depression and grief too well.
Is this a deeper initiation,
a chance to crack the code
of existence itself?