Before he dropped the bomb I had a regular, consistent gratitude practce. I recorded five things every night for which I was grateful. I had been doing this for years, faithfully, and had already filled multiple books with my nightly gratitudes. After he dropped the bomb, I expanded my practice. When my mind was telling me my life was over and that I’d never be happy again, I recorded twenty things every night for which I was grateful. I began to count the smallest things as important… the way the sun rose, the way my child’s voice sounds, the taste of soup, the temperature of the wind. I realized that those “little” things are enormous in their beauty and their presence. I realized I could be more grateful. I started to realize that happiness is a choice I make every day. I’m into my healing process. I can thank him for dropping the bomb and blowing my old life to bits so that I could create a new life. I’m still working on forgiveness, but that is another poem.
When you woke up this morning, did you remember who you really are? Have you remembered yet today? If not, let me remind you, but first, S L O W L Y EXHALE ALL THE WAY, and then, S L O W L Y INHALE ALL THE WAY. There now, that’s better, isn’t it? ✨❤️✨ You are pure consciousness in a physical body standing on a tiny blue dot in the middle of infinite space. You are a single cell on that blue dot, a subatomic particle of the atom in which you live, and yet your consciousness is bigger than the universe. Can you open in awareness of this vastness? Can you feel out to the farthest reaches of space, can you sense into the urge to expand forever? Can you take on the awareness of a star, burning in your desire to express your light? Can you spin the way a planet spins, can you feel its mass, and can you sense the momentum it has attained in its embrace of the cosmic dance? And YOU, how about your embrace? You are the center of the universe, did you know that? You are, in this very second, entirely surrounded, held, seen, known, loved and cherished by the force that created you (and you can call it what you want!) You are sovereign in your center, holding the consciousness of the cosmos. Now that you’ve remembered that the entire universe is yours to command, what now will you do?
I realized I didn’t need as many things to make me happy. Just looking up at the sky, seeing the clouds passing slowly across a field of pure blue, was enough to awaken deep joy in my heart. May all beings experience such simplicity of joy.
It occurred to me that every second I spend trying to get him to give me the money that is mine by law is a second I divert my attention from the mission of creating my own money by offering value to the world doing the things I know how to do best. I’m choosing to let go. I was told not to hold my breath so I’m breathing, slowly and deeply and with gratitude that I can wake up to this moment knowing nothing and open to being taught.
I don’t know what I was waiting for. Permission? A feeling like it was safe? A belief that I was qualified? Thinking that I knew enough? No clue. Whatever the reason, I was waiting. But today I began. And today I feel strong.
**************** I’m going to come out and say it. Today I started the book. It’s a book I’ve been planning on writing since July 2017 when my ex-husband dropped the bomb that shattered our lives into a million tiny pieces. It’s a book about meditation and self-care. When he presented me with a list of what bothered him in our marriage, my meditation practice was on that list.
This book is my answer. I’m going to share with the world how my meditation practice saved me, and how self-care will save you, whether you engage in self-care through meditation or if you have some other kind of practice that lights you up and gives you a strong sense of who you really are.
After putting off writing the book for so long, tonight something shifted. Something was different. I had the It’s now or never feelingpulsing through my body. So I sat my ass down and started writing it. YAY! 😀 Wish me luck!
Tired to the bone, and so completely done with this day, but it’s only 4PM and it’s time to be a mom. I find strength for one more breath, one more step. I realize I am not alone, that there are many other mothers finding strength for one more breath, one more step. I breathe into my heart, taking all of the exhaustion for myself and all exhausted mothers, into the infinitely vast space of my open heart. I breathe out, sending out strength, comfort, hope, and a dash of humor. We can do this.