Just when I thought all was lost,
just when I felt defeated
and it looked like all my efforts were in vain,
Grace sweeps in and shows me
that all is well, and to just keep going.
When I’ve been looking through eyes
that cannot see clearly,
it’s time for a new way of seeing.
I cannot anticipate the magic of my future
looking through the lens of my past experiences.
My conditioned mind screams in terror;
it wants to know and understand and be in control.
Grace says, “Shhhh, shhhhhh, just breathe. Get still.”
When I listen to Grace, all is well.
I should keep listening to Grace.
is burning in your heart,
searing your mind,
waking you up at night?
Are you willing to feel the question
with every fiber of your being?
Are you willing to live with
your yearning for an answer?
Are you willing to sit with the uncertainty
for as long as it takes,
as many days, weeks, months, years
as it will take
to live your way into the answer?
This is the path of the heart-strong warrior.
Are you willing to walk this path?
I must warn you
it doesn’t get easier.
As your practice deepens
so do the questions.
At some point you’ll be holding the entire universe
inside your heart asking yourself,
What did I get myself into now?
You’ll see that you are alone in this question
with no safe place to run or hide
and no one to keep you company,
not even the wind.
Get it right.
Don’t mess up.
This is a life or death situation.
No room for mistakes.
One error could be lethal.
—my mind, right as I’m waking up
I’m still working on simply accepting this moment.
It may be a life long practice,
because as I really pay attention to it,
I notice that there is very little about this moment
that is like anything I’ve ever experienced before.
In fact, this moment is completely different
from anything I’ve ever lived…
and I realize that my mind that wants familiarity
was just painting a picture of the routine
over what I was living in reality,
and calling forth routine perceptions and behaviors
in response to the picture my mind has painted.
Every second that ticks by is a miracle.
Am I available to experience it?
This moment is a huge gift.
My children are changing, I am changing,
the weather is changing,
our circumstances are changing,
everything is constantly in flux.
Maybe I remove the blindfold
and see that beyond the routine
there is a fieild of infinite possibility.
May I awaken to my true nature there.
Watching my mind
to make sure I don’t allow
the anxiety to take over.
And I thought watching kids was hard!
My mind takes more energy
than a newborn infant,
and worries me more than a teenager.
It needs constant nourishment
(at least newborns sometimes nap).
At any moment
it could grab the keys
and drive off with no word
about when it’s coming back home.
I’m wondering at what point
my mind will be mature enough
that I won’t need to call a sitter
when I want to leave it at home
for a few hours
so that I can have a break!
I’m curious about this tendency of my mind
to fixate on negativity.
I’m noticing the effects of my thinking
on my body, my health, my perception.
I have read and learned enough about the brain
to understand we are hardwired
to continually scan our environment
for threats to our survival,
and to see pretty much everything as a threat…
it’s how our ancestors survived.
But I am interested in much more
than survival...much, much more.
I want to thrive.
I want to open fully into the light
to sing my life
and dance my joy
and love this place called The Universe.
All of the work I’ve done,
all the meditation,
all the writing, the therapy,
the Twelve Step Meetings,
and still my mind stubbornly persists
in seeing the world as a dangerous place.
Oh my mind,
will you ever relent?
I work on the level of my mind
because this is where my experience
begins and ends.
I leave the old behind
and embrace a new promise
of hope, fulfillment, and change.
I can see now that the power rests
within me, always and forever.
There is no reason for fear,
because I cannot fail—
only learn, grow, and become
better than I’ve ever been before.