For some reason I feel blah in this moment. Actually, I have some really good reasons for feeling this way–I have been going non-stop since this morning, and picked up some extra responsibilities on top of my already busy schedule, so I guess the blah feeling is due to sheer exhaustion. Funny how nothing seems appealing when you’re too tired to think.
But I have committed to posting something every day, and have managed to follow through every day since January. Although I cannot vouch for the quality of my posts–especially on those days when I’m feeling awfully tired–I can at least say that my words are mine, and I have taken the time to say them. I won’t drop the ball tonight, even if there is a lot of resistance, even if there is doubt that anything I have to say is going to help me or anyone else.
I’m asking myself if it’s my exhaustion that is blocking my creativity, or if it’s the story I tell myself about needing to do certain things to keep the people in my life happy. Sounds like some self-exploration is in order to get to the bottom of this. Creativity is a flow, like nature is a flow, and just like the blooming of a beautiful flower, the right conditions must be present for a creation to be birthed into being. If I am depleted, my creativity/artistry/spiritual awakening just cannot occur. Why would I deplete myself at the expense of that which is most meaningful? Isn’t there a balance to be struck somewhere along the way?
I was just reading through a step 4 worksheet and was floored by the depth of the thing. Just off the top of my head, I’m remembering that resentment, fear, anger, an over-developed sense of responsibility, irresponsibility, inappropriate use of sexuality–among many others–made it into the list of aspects of personality that need to be explored if the “fearless and searching moral inventory” is to be complete. Sounds exhausting, but I suppose thrilling at the same time. I would need to summon lots of courage, but imagine the potential for transformation! If healing is to take place, I must uncover all the hidden wounds that are unconsciously being allowed to fester. They need to be cleaned out, exposed to light, given medicine. Provided these opportunities for clearing and healing, nothing in my past could hold me back from the potential I have in this moment to awaken to the self I’ve always wanted to become.
I no longer want to tell myself any stories. I want to be real with myself, real with the world around me. And for God’s sake, I want to let go of the voice that tells me that this is all for nought. Whose voice is telling me that anyway? Could I trust, could I just let my creativity flow, and celebrate what emerges? As I push through the resistance born of doubt and fear–and the resistance happens every time I sit down to write–I grow stronger in my resolve to allow the expression of that which is most beautiful and powerful in me, waves of being emerging from the depths of the self beyond my body-mind-identity.
The mystics across time, culture and religion have all had one thing in common: They have been able to tap into the universal qualities of the human spirit, and express that essence in a way that is readily recognizable and therefore deeply moving for everyone who searches as they have searched. I have utmost respect and admiration for these sages who have devoted their lives to the expression of that which is unchanging in all of us. The trail markers they left along the way have given us confidence as we forge our own paths through the ever changing scenery of our lives.
Part of my path, as I see it, is to explore and share my trials as well as my triumphs, knowing that someone, somewhere is in the same boat as I. This someone might feel encouraged knowing that above all, they are not alone in their struggle to find meaning amidst the inevitable challenges that arise in the course of a human life.
When taken from this angle, I feel a great sense of responsibility in telling my story. If somehow my work could help someone, anyone, to keep going in the face of darkness, fear, and doubt, to push through the shadows and reach for the light, if in some way my efforts could enrich someone’s life and ease their suffering in some small way, then this work is important, and by God I will do this work.
So maybe this is the key. Any time I feel the resistance arising, I can just remind myself that it isn’t an option to not create. It isn’t an option to shrivel and hide. I have lives to save. Beginning with saving myself, and chronicling this not so uncommon journey, I have faith that my efforts might help to brighten a little spot on this globe. And even if that spot is tinier than a grain of sand, it’s still completely worth it.
Your True Worth
And how could you ever gauge your true worth,
when you’re told that it’s measured by
your roles and responsibilities
your investment portfolio?
When you believe these stories,
you turn your back on the
one thing that you can rely on–
This will all change,
one day, it will all be taken away.
So put not your faith in that which
rises and falls like the waves of the ocean
No, my friend, look inwards and search
for that which is changeless in you,
the source of peace
and joy everlasting
lives in the center of your being
Take time my friend
to search beyond the covers of this world
and become intimate with
the indwelling spirit,
the treasure in you
whose worth exceeds
all of the silver, gold, and gems in
this man-made world of duality
When the time comes to shed your earthly form
you’ll gladly take the hand of the friend you know so well
and joyfully return home together