Tag Archives: parenthood

Which Choice To Make

Standard

Sitting in ceremony this weekend,
I realized how very much my mind
still wants this moment to show up differently
and how much suffering
this wanting things to be different
stirs up in my life.
If I could only love and accept this moment as it is,
how would my experience be different?
Could I soften into this beauty?
Could I accept my own wholeness, my completeness?
Could I love this journey I’m on,
and learn to accept that uncertainty
is an integral part of the adventure?
I’m walking on the razor’s edge
between acceptance and resistance,
every moment, between peace and suffering.
I see how much choice I have,
and how much responsibility
to make the choice that will help and heal
instead of hurt and hinder.
As a mother, the choice becomes even more impactful.
My kids are watching me make meaning
out of all of these life experiences.
I’m teaching them every moment
how to love or how to fear this life.
God, please show me how to love.
God, show me how to love this life,
so that by the time my kids are my age,
they’ll know which choice to make.

Intrusion

Standard

He wants to say Hi to the kids every night.
Every night his voice is in my home
like he never left.
now his mistress’s voice is in my home,
as my son asks if she is there,
and her face and her voice appear.
Son says that he can’t wait to see her, the other woman.
My son can’t wait to see my husband’s mistress.
How do I compartmentalize?
How do I live with the cognitive dissonance?
I’m trying to be free of them,
but they are in my mind,
in my home,
in my children’s minds.
My children are innocent.
They are loving, accepting and kind,
just like I want them to be,
just like I taught them to be.
But I get tense every night when he calls.
He left my bed, my heart, my home,
but every night he comes back
like he never left.

Returning to Sanity

Standard

I kept admonishing myself
for losing it with my kids.
Feeling guilty, ashamed,
a failure as a parent.
And then I realized,
it’s normal to lose it.
Because I’m human,
because sometimes I’m tired,
overworked, overwhelmed,
undernourished…
it just happens.
And as I began to cultivate acceptance
for my own humanness,
it occurred to me
that the goal isn’t
to never lose it with my kids.
The goal is to gradually learn
how to recognize my own insanity
as it arises
and restore myself to sanity
as best I can.
The goal is to acknowledge
the mistakes I have made
and do my best to make amends.
And so I ask for my kids’ forgiveness
when I lose it with them.
And as they forgive me
I start to see that I can forgive me too.