Every day we are presented myriad choices, from the first moment of the day until the last. Awareness of our choices empowers us. Deeply attuned to our core values we make choices that align us with our vision. The past brought me here, but where I go depends entirely on who I choose to be. I chose to make this short and sweet. I’m tired because I chose to work this weekend. I choose to work hard because I’m happy to provide a good life for myself and my kids. I choose to breathe now, and practice gratitude for what I’ve been given, and for making the choice to receive it.
Afternoon, the sky a light silver-gray, oak leaves orange brown, maple leaves red, bald cypress defiantly remaining green. Crows muttering to one another, and a tender breeze stirring what was inanimate into graceful gestures of surrender and flow. How could I possibly regret my past given that it brought me such a shockingly beautiful and stunningly simple present?
I can’t know what’s next; I can only know what’s now. I’m not sure how much of me is really here to look deeply into what is. I wonder how much of me is truly available to receive this present. I keep practicing. One day, I might awaken to what I already knew long ago before the world taught me about past and future.
And what if, suddenly, I let go of who I thought I was, and made space to see and feel and know myself as I am right now? If I let go of the anger, the sadness, the blame, the shame, the grief, and the regret, what would be left of me? If I could stop using my intellect to operate on reality, if I could stop using my past to define my present, who would I be? Today, may I be aware of awareness. May I walk in this world as one who can see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and love with a new heart, free of the prison of past conditioning. May I step out of the cage of my old ideas, ready to meet this moment in its purest, most radiant innocence.
Sorting through years of being together, so many memories surfacing, the sentimentality of it all. When you left, you took what you wanted and left the rest, an apt metaphor for our life together. Now I’m left to sort through the aftermath of our togetherness…alone. Our children’s artwork, books, clothing, and toys, bits of this and that, odds and ends accumulated over the years… You told me I didn’t want to move because I have so much sh*t that I just don’t want to deal with sorting it and packing it up… You were only partially correct. For starters…a lot of this is OUR sh*t, sir, which is what happens when two people create two children and live together for eight years. A part of me doesn’t want to deal with it, you are right— but that’s just one part. That’s the part you knew and criticized, the one that was never good enough for you. But I have other parts. There’s one part who has been only too glad to purge myself of you, my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit, my home…free from you. There’s another part that is so strong and so resilient, it has been working diligently to release, release, release the old in order to welcome the new. Another part is really glad for the future without you in it as my tormentor, and who looks forward to (one day when I’m ready) stepping into the embrace of a real man, a man who sees me and loves me for my power and strength, my creativity and sensuality, my generosity and compassion, my ability to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings, my humor and my excitement about life.* Yet another part is deeply calm and peaceful, and maybe a little amused at this whole process. Turns out, sir, you didn’t know me. You didn’t know me very much at all.
*Yes, if you had seen and appreciated any of these qualities, our story would have been very different. Your loss, buster. But namaste all the same. 🙏🏻🌈✨
Sometimes I resent having to do so much work
to wake up, to improve, to become better…
Like everyone else, I just want to be happy, healthy,
have a good life, be at peace.
Then it occurs to me
that the work will enable me to create these things
and claim them as mine.
If the good life were handed to me on a silver platter,
could I accept it?
Would I see myself as worthy?
I’m so grateful for the infinitely generous present moment.
No matter how many times my mind goes back to the past
or rushes headlong into the future,
this beautiful present moment
always waits for me right here, right now,
with wide open arms.
Standing here, looking forward
I can hope, I feel strong,
I know I can make it through this.
I feel angry, I feel hurt,
I feel betrayed,
I am filled with grief.
Standing here, right here
in this present moment,
I am aware of the swirls of thought
and my tendency to look back
and to look forward.
Standing here, opening my eyes,
I see what choices I have.
I sit down.
I close my eyes.
I breathe in and out, slowly. This moment is all I ever have. This moment is all I ever need to know.