I am so tired
I feel it in my bones.
I’d love some energy for me
now that day is done,
time to write, to think,
to dream about what is to come.
But with kids in bed
I’m so out of my head tired
all I have the energy to do
is brush my teeth
and get to bed myself.
What a party animal I’ve become!
This is when the old thoughts return,
and I have to fight
to keep them from taking hold again.
I pray for rest, for blessed
for tomorrow is coming soon
and I have promises to keep.
The plan was to go to the Renaissance Festival—
my sister, my two children and me.
Then my son got sick and was up all night.
I was up too, cleaning the carpet,
cleaning his face, rubbing his back,
getting him drinks, holding the bin, reassuring him
You won’t feel like this forever.
You’re going to be just fine.
My sister took my daughter to the festival and we stayed home.
It’s twelve hours later and mercifully he’s sleeping.
I’m awake hoping for a restful night to come.
But then it strikes me…
What prayer was answered by my receiving
the honor and the privilege
of time to take care of my sweet boy
in the quiet of our home?
What space was created
in the space of my care for him
and my desire to help him feel better?
What experiences will my sister and daughter have
without me there to pretend I’m in control?
What beautiful experience is yet to blossom
in my heart and mind
now that I can be grateful
no matter what?
I can feel the old me struggling
to regain some footing,
and the new me is just plain tired.
I won’t let the old me win—
the old me needs to die.
Does it sound harsh?
I am no longer available
to live life the way I lived it before.
I know too much now
to go back to sleep.
But how to eliminate the struggle
with the old me
so that the new me
can relax and surrender
into the flow of cosmic synchronicity?
If you can answer that question
I’ll be your best friend!
I wake up.
It’s a new day.
Anything is possible.
I’m so grateful
that every single morning
I get a chance to start over.
Caught in fear,
like this past year
of working hard never happened,
like I’ve made no progress at all,
like I have no say,
like I have no way to proceed.
Caught in sadness,
like life is meaningless,
like inside the struggle
to find a will
the pain only doubles,
like the light is disappearing
and I can’t find it
even as I stare into the blinding sun.
Caught in regret,
like I should have done better,
like my choices were all wrong,
like there’s no way out,
and as I look ahead the path is long
with no rest, no cure, no safe harbor
to welcome me home.
This fear, sadness and regret
must have something to teach me
about who I really want to be.
But right now,
there is only this feeling of being caught.
May I and all beings be free.
Back home from retreat.
I wasn’t given the job
I interviewed for in September,
but was offered another,
at lower pay, with no benefits.
I declined the offer.
It felt exhilarating knowing
that I could assert myself
and make choices based on
that I am worth way more.
But now what?
Now I need to step fully
I don’t want to work for anyone else,
I want to work for myself.
I want to get my offerings out to the world
in a bigger way,
and add value to people’s lives.
I want to make it on my own.
I want to be my own boss,
decide my own hours,
work where I want
with whom I want
when I want.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
Pray for me.
I keep asking HOW?
How will I shift this situation?
How will I become autonomous?
How will I find a home?
A new way to live
and provide for my living?
Fear wants to creep in.
It’s slimy and quick
and slips into my mind
because that is what it has always done.
But I decide that it’s time for a new way.
I choose to give more attention to my future
than I give to my past.
I don’t need to be afraid anymore;
I can trust in Life;
it always works out
one way or another.