So many choices in each moment.
What to create?
Is it time to rest?
I choose to sing.
I record my voice and listen.
I like the way it sounds,
so I keep going.
I’m learning something
about creativity and pleasure,
trusting myself in the process.
Remembering life is right now.
I keep questioning,
realizing there are no answers.
Questions are doors and windows
to new possibilities;
my spirit challenges me
Is this faith,
to believe there is more
out there for me
even though I can’t
I summon gratitude,
help me take action.
It’s a constant struggle between my past and my future.
The past is familiar; it leaps up into my consciousness
and makes itself seen and felt again and again and again.
The future is unknown; it’s the stuff hoped for
and requires faith and focus to keep my vision clear.
I pray for the stamina to keep reinvesting my energy in my future,
to draw my attention back to the good things to come.
I pray for the time when his choices aren’t ricocheting in my mind
they way they’ve done for over a year—
and it’s been quite an interesting year.
Each day, I discover, I make a choice.
I can choose victimhood or empowerment;
but it’s always my choice.
May I always choose empowerment.
I’ve been in agony this past year
trying to figure out how this all will end,
but could it be that this is just the beginning?
I thought my life was over
when he told me our marriage was over,
but could it be that I’m being born into new life?
I’ve cried out many times to God
asking to be given the answers…
but could it be that I wasn’t ready for answers?
Could it be that I didn’t even know the question?
I chose trust as my word of the year
and I’ve struggled to understand what trust even is.
Could it be that my struggle is the opportunity
I was asking for this whole time?
Could it be that through struggling
and surviving the struggle,
I’ll learn to trust myself?
Could all of this,
the entirety of this experience,
be one long answered prayer
as I awaken to the truth of who I really am?
Could it be?
I didn’t know…until I knew.
I wasn’t sure…until I was.
I didn’t have a client…until I did.
I had no idea how to trust…until I trusted.
I thought self-love was impossible…
until one day I looked in the mirror,
said I love you, and meant it.
God, I prayed and I prayed for this.
Now what would you have me do?
It feels too hard,
and I don’t want to try any more.
I want to quit, to give up,
to run away,
shut the world out,
close my eyes
and never wake up.
Call a friend.
Let them listen.
Cry even more.
Thank your friend for listening.
Let your friend pray for you.
Cry while she prays.
Cry when she stops praying.
Thank your friend for her prayers.
Now. Make lunch.
A picnic lunch.
Pack it up.
Now take your kids and go outside.
Meet up with a young woman
who has gone through similar struggles.
See that you struggled
so that you could understand her,
Get out of your head
and into your heart.
Think about someone else.
Realize your struggles weren’t in vain,
because you can help someone
move through theirs
with more grace and ease.
Drive back home.
Take a shower.
Read your kids a bedtime story.
Write in your gratitude journal.
Go to bed.
There, you did it.
You made it through another day.
When we let go of the idea
that there is something wrong with us,
the stories of fear, deficiency, and loss
can be undone.
We don’t have to do anything
for healing to happen;
as we let go
and surrender our bodies to the Earth,
the healing takes us
and we are lifted in its embrace.
The moments of great letting go
flow into moments of great grace,
and a remembering takes place.
A friend gently reminded me
that my thoughts were creating
and my words were amplifying
And I saw
I wasn’t telling a happy story.
I felt justified
in telling my victim story,
I was just plain miserable.
So I decided to rewrite my story.
What will be possible
inside the telling of my dream
for joy, health, safety, and peace
for all beings?
What gardens will grow
and winds will blow
and friends will show
up smiling at my door
happy for friendship
honored to love
and ready for more?