Sitting in ceremony this weekend,
I realized how very much my mind
still wants this moment to show up differently
and how much suffering
this wanting things to be different
stirs up in my life.
If I could only love and accept this moment as it is,
how would my experience be different?
Could I soften into this beauty?
Could I accept my own wholeness, my completeness?
Could I love this journey I’m on,
and learn to accept that uncertainty
is an integral part of the adventure?
I’m walking on the razor’s edge
between acceptance and resistance,
every moment, between peace and suffering.
I see how much choice I have,
and how much responsibility
to make the choice that will help and heal
instead of hurt and hinder.
As a mother, the choice becomes even more impactful.
My kids are watching me make meaning
out of all of these life experiences.
I’m teaching them every moment
how to love or how to fear this life.
God, please show me how to love.
God, show me how to love this life,
so that by the time my kids are my age,
they’ll know which choice to make.
If it were easy to train your brain
everyone would be doing it.
It is, in fact, one of the most
difficult things to do in the world.
When you install a new habit,
you are actually changing the
physical structure of your brain.
New circuits are created,
old ones are pruned.
While the new is being established
the old seems to redouble its efforts
to keep you the way you’ve always been.
We equate familiarity with safety
even when the familiar is killing us.
If you are trying to replace
an old unhealthy habit
with a new healthy one
I hope you know how strong you are.
I hope you can take moments
to celebrate yourself
for living all the way to this point
and for taking charge
of the way your future will take shape
by attending to this now.
Happy brain training, friends…
my beautiful, strong, courageous friends.
It turns out that the more attention
I give to these positive feeling states
the more my brain creates circuitry
to support the experience of those states
in my body, mind, and life.
My mind has been focused on suffering
and now it is time for a new habit.
God, give me the strength
to focus on how I really want to feel.
I’m praying every chance I can get
God please show me what to do,
I’m struggling, please guide me.
In the morning I wake up thinking
I choose to love myself
because I deserve my love.
I keep telling my story.
It gets exhausting telling my story.
I tell it to my friends. Therapists.
Anyone who will listen.
They all say, You got this.
It will all be okay in the end.
But I want someone to rescue me.
I want someone to come along
and make these problems disappear.
And God, Grace, The Universe,
or is it just my luck,
continues to send me people
who listen to my story
tell me You got this
and who walk away.
I need to solve my own problems.
Apparently, I need to realize
that I’m stronger than this.
Apparently, I need to walk this path alone.
There are people cheering on the sidelines,
but I guess I need to walk this path alone.*
*And I have to tell you, it’s lonely down here in this big black hole…
Healing can come quickly if we’re willing.
When we take those first tentative steps,
the Universe rallies to our support.
It doesn’t take much…
Just a word, a breath, a glance,
just a hint of a desire for change,
and the great big ball starts rolling.
Sometimes it feels like nothing has happened.
The shifts are so exquisitely subtle
that no one notices they have happened.
But many such shifts over time
add up incrementally
until you look back and see
that transformation has taken place.
Let my new prayer be
I am willing.
Let me trust completely
in the power that brought me here.
Let me open myself to the endless love
of the Divine expressed everywhere.
I am ready to heal.
Help me God.
Help me somebody.
I’m feeling lost and alone,
trying to choose my mindset,
but feeling unsure of my direction.
I keep praying for a sign,
that will help me to feel confident
that I’m on the right path.
I’m tired of this struggle,
I want to move forward,
but I feel incapacitated
by my feelings of terror,
I know I need help,
but I don’t know who can help.
I guess I’ll keep praying.
for things to get better,
to be clearer,
to be easier.
Then I’m afraid…
because they’re not changing,
or I’m not changing,
and reality keeps reminding me
that waiting for a problem to solve itself
won’t get the problem solved.
What is the proper action to take,
when your whole world falls apart,
and you’re living in a hologram of the past?
I can see everything as it was,
four ghosts sitting around the dinner table,
blurs of movement
out of the corner of my eye
from events that took place years ago.
The reality is,
I’m just by myself tonight,
the house is quiet,
and my two children
are with the man who used to be my husband.
But sometimes it feels like he is still here.
Sometimes I expect my children
to run up to me,
to call out to me,
even though I know they’re not here.
It’s eerie, the way the mind plays tricks.
Help me, Great Spirit,
help me return to what is real.
Let me do what needs to be done.
No more waiting;
I’m ready to live again.