In this spacious present I can relax, breathe, recognize that everything is ok. Why has so much of my time been spent being educated away from what is here? Can I unlearn enough to have the space in my mind to be truly present? What would I do with such clarity, such immense and immediate expansion? Knowing that I could never shrink back to what I was before, is it safe to leave behind what is familiar transform and face the adventure before me?
If I could take a step back long enough and see that I never needed to worry because everything always works out (doesn’t it?) in the end… And if I could stop, relax, take a deep breath, p a u s e center ground clarify and open… Might I see that all the “problems” I perceived were merely thoughts in my mind, and that I was fully capable of thinking other thoughts? And might the freedom of this bubble up as a great big laugh, because all along, I was the warden and the prisoner both, and the one who witnessed, and the space where all of these exist? Yes, I might just laugh and laugh and not even notice how much of a fool I’ve become in the eyes of everyone else. I would welcome such foolishness.
After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
I’m just wondering when the day will come that not one shred of anxiety disturbs my peace, from the time I wake up in the morning, until the time I lay my head down at night. How do I cultivate unshakable peace? How can I remember to breathe slowly and deeply all throughout the day (and not just for the 30 minutes of morning meditation)? How do I take the meditation with me, so that I don’t just practice peace, but I become peace?
And what if, suddenly, I let go of who I thought I was, and made space to see and feel and know myself as I am right now? If I let go of the anger, the sadness, the blame, the shame, the grief, and the regret, what would be left of me? If I could stop using my intellect to operate on reality, if I could stop using my past to define my present, who would I be? Today, may I be aware of awareness. May I walk in this world as one who can see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and love with a new heart, free of the prison of past conditioning. May I step out of the cage of my old ideas, ready to meet this moment in its purest, most radiant innocence.
It doesn’t take long when you’re willing. If you can just sit, and feel, and breathe, if you can just be present, if you can listen, and see, if you can be open, and allow… The whole Universe will offer itself completely to you like the lover who has been waiting forever for you to wake up out of a coma, and who is just so damn excited to see you alive again… it’s all ecstasy from here on out.
Ah…I have some time and space to myself
and the presence of mind to feel grateful for it.
The autumn wind blows.
I can hear the windchime just outside my door.
Its ringing says, Now. Now. Now. Now.
A part of me wants to check out and go back to sleep.
A part of me wants to stay awake and be productive.
A part of me knows my body is hungry.
A part of me doesn’t want to bother stopping to eat.
What should I do?
The autumn wind blows.
The wind chime keeps ringing Now. Now. Now. Now.
Maybe I’ll just step outside
and let the wind caress my hair, my face.
I don’t need to think about what’s next;
I can flow through this moment
and appreciate what it offers.
When my mind isn’t cluttered with
what I should do,
I can enjoy life being done through me.