Just when I thought all was lost, just when I felt defeated and it looked like all my efforts were in vain, Grace sweeps in and shows me that all is well, and to just keep going. When I’ve been looking through eyes that cannot see clearly, it’s time for a new way of seeing. I cannot anticipate the magic of my future looking through the lens of my past experiences. My conditioned mind screams in terror; it wants to know and understand and be in control. Grace says, “Shhhh, shhhhhh, just breathe. Get still.” When I listen to Grace, all is well. I should keep listening to Grace.
Choosing clarity over comfort and service over self-indulgence, knowing that short-term pleasure eats into long term success… I think about what makes a leader a leader. Beyond the roles we play and the hats we don, what is our true identity? The moment we breathe slowly and deeply we enter into the field of presence that was never given and can never be taken away. I look up to anyone who can enter this field and show me how to arrive there without tricks or gimmicks, without bypassing or denial. If I cannot find such a one to lead me, I must become a leader myself. And in today’s world, rife with chaos, fraught with trauma, I think that this is precisely what Life is asking all of us to do.
If you’re wondering how long it will take, how it will happen, when you’ll feel strong enough, healed enough, ready enough… stop wondering. This isn’t a fill in the blank test. This is your life. There are no proper answers. There is only you, opening as awareness to what is alive in this moment. Can you soften and relax into the possibility that you were led precisely here because there was something you could learn from this living, breathing moment? Live. Breathe. Love this moment. This moment is your life.
I wake up gently before the sun and my first thought is Thank you. Thank you for another day on this planet. I am excited for the possibilities of this day. I remember my children will meet their teachers. I remember I have laundry to do. I remember that I need to start packing up this house. I remember that this can all wait until I sit, and check in with the Source, the consciousness within me that spins out all of these perceptions and weaves them together to create the experience of a single mother waking up to greet another day. If I am right with the One within, then my day will flow with beauty. I am grateful for this time. I remember that although I have a body I am not simply this body. Or this mind. Or these circumstances. I am Spirit, clothed in form, and the degree to which I can remember and stay present is the degree to which my light will shine to illuminate the form in which I move and breathe and express, the degree to which my circumstances will be illuminated, my choices made clear, my committment firmed, my conviction made manifest in action. And so, first things first. I wake up, and I sit. And it is good.
In this spacious present I can relax, breathe, recognize that everything is ok. Why has so much of my time been spent being educated away from what is here? Can I unlearn enough to have the space in my mind to be truly present? What would I do with such clarity, such immense and immediate expansion? Knowing that I could never shrink back to what I was before, is it safe to leave behind what is familiar transform and face the adventure before me?
If I could take a step back long enough and see that I never needed to worry because everything always works out (doesn’t it?) in the end… And if I could stop, relax, take a deep breath, p a u s e center ground clarify and open… Might I see that all the “problems” I perceived were merely thoughts in my mind, and that I was fully capable of thinking other thoughts? And might the freedom of this bubble up as a great big laugh, because all along, I was the warden and the prisoner both, and the one who witnessed, and the space where all of these exist? Yes, I might just laugh and laugh and not even notice how much of a fool I’ve become in the eyes of everyone else. I would welcome such foolishness.
After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.