After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
I’m just wondering when the day will come that not one shred of anxiety disturbs my peace, from the time I wake up in the morning, until the time I lay my head down at night. How do I cultivate unshakable peace? How can I remember to breathe slowly and deeply all throughout the day (and not just for the 30 minutes of morning meditation)? How do I take the meditation with me, so that I don’t just practice peace, but I become peace?
And what if, suddenly, I let go of who I thought I was, and made space to see and feel and know myself as I am right now? If I let go of the anger, the sadness, the blame, the shame, the grief, and the regret, what would be left of me? If I could stop using my intellect to operate on reality, if I could stop using my past to define my present, who would I be? Today, may I be aware of awareness. May I walk in this world as one who can see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and love with a new heart, free of the prison of past conditioning. May I step out of the cage of my old ideas, ready to meet this moment in its purest, most radiant innocence.
It doesn’t take long when you’re willing. If you can just sit, and feel, and breathe, if you can just be present, if you can listen, and see, if you can be open, and allow… The whole Universe will offer itself completely to you like the lover who has been waiting forever for you to wake up out of a coma, and who is just so damn excited to see you alive again… it’s all ecstasy from here on out.
Ah…I have some time and space to myself
and the presence of mind to feel grateful for it.
The autumn wind blows.
I can hear the windchime just outside my door.
Its ringing says, Now. Now. Now. Now.
A part of me wants to check out and go back to sleep.
A part of me wants to stay awake and be productive.
A part of me knows my body is hungry.
A part of me doesn’t want to bother stopping to eat.
What should I do?
The autumn wind blows.
The wind chime keeps ringing Now. Now. Now. Now.
Maybe I’ll just step outside
and let the wind caress my hair, my face.
I don’t need to think about what’s next;
I can flow through this moment
and appreciate what it offers.
When my mind isn’t cluttered with
what I should do,
I can enjoy life being done through me.
A day of pleasure,
from one thing to the next
Breakfast with kids
then long meditation
a walk in the warm autumn woods
sitting and reading by the stream
some preparation to take kids out
for playground and picnic
then ten minutes of restorative yoga
Now, kids about to get off the bus
and I feel calm and happy.
This day is heaven on earth.
This is healing:
It goes in spirals,
rarely in a straight line,
takes steps, hops and leaps,
sometimes goes so slowly it aches,
wondering how long
it will feel this way,
wanting it to change,
wanting to be different,
asking for patience
when thoughts stay the same
day after day after day.
Hoping for little changes,
giving thanks for what is here, giving thanks for love, for life. This is courage:
taking one more breath
when you question
the reason for your being here,
and when nothing seems
good enough to keep you here,
when you want to get away from yourself,
when you want to escape
everything that ails you
and you believe
that nothing will help you,
and when you think
would mean everything to you,
taking one more breath,
and deciding to stay, you breathe again. This is grace:
Letting the tears flow
until you’ve been washed clean
of the pain and sorrow
that you have carried
for longer than anyone
ever should have,
awakening from trance
the poison and the antidote
always exist side by side,
opening your eyes,
for just a moment,
to the most incredible miracle
seeing the flow of existence,
remembering there is nothing to fear, there is nothing to forgive.
giving thanks for love, for life, you breathe again. there is nothing to forgive.