Singing, singing, learning
this music for the Virtual Choir 6
Feeling the shame spiral
because I did my habitual thing
and waited until the day before
to really dive into the music.
I remember (again)
that the way you do anything
is the way you do everything,
and behind my procrastination
there was the perfectionist,
just trying to find the perfect time.
Well…now is the time.
With my kids out of the house
I have quiet.
I can record this music.
If only I can get it
perfect right done.
Yeah, Lorien, just get it done.
Anybody else go through these periods of time
where you procrastinate your butt off
and then get so disgusted with yourself for procrastinating
that you finally bust a bunch of things out all at once?
Maybe someday I’ll get better at parsing things out
and doing things bit by bit like a reasonable person.
But for now, when the wave of getting things done shows up,
I’m going to ride that wave as long as I can!
I don’t know what I was waiting for.
A feeling like it was safe?
A belief that I was qualified?
Thinking that I knew enough?
Whatever the reason, I was waiting.
But today I began.
And today I feel strong.
I’m going to come out and say it. Today I started the book. It’s a book I’ve been planning on writing since July 2017 when my ex-husband dropped the bomb that shattered our lives into a million tiny pieces. It’s a book about meditation and self-care. When he presented me with a list of what bothered him in our marriage, my meditation practice was on that list.
This book is my answer. I’m going to share with the world how my meditation practice saved me, and how self-care will save you, whether you engage in self-care through meditation or if you have some other kind of practice that lights you up and gives you a strong sense of who you really are.
After putting off writing the book for so long, tonight something shifted. Something was different. I had the It’s now or never feeling pulsing through my body. So I sat my ass down and started writing it. YAY! 😀 Wish me luck!
I can feel the pressure building inside of me,
pressure to get things done, get things organized,
be better, do more, know more,
pressure to have a plan,
pressure to answer others’ questions…
It’s the dark time of the year,
and the darkness is bringing me down.
I don’t want this pressure.
I want to hide.
God, help me change my mind.
Help me welcome the pressure.
Let me see this discomfort as a yoga posture
life has given me to master.
If I can breathe through it,
I can learn something from it.
Today I accomplished two of three
big things I had to get done this weekend.
One remains. The biggest one.
I’m leading a four hour training
teaching yoga teachers
how to teach restorative yoga.
I was getting myself geared up
to feel anxious and down on myself
for leaving the prep
until the last moment,
the way we talk to ourselves really matters.
and praise builds us up.
I decided to be nice to myself.
I decided it could be pleasurable
to prepare this training
for those who are attending.
I realized that the procrastination is a habit
and so is the self-recrimination…
and I can choose to change it…
all of it.
I prayed to give my trainees
the tools they need
to add the most value
to their students’ lives.
Spirit whispered in my ear…
and I followed the orders I was given.
I went into my old laptop
and discovered a handout
I prepared years ago
with all the information
I want to share with my trainees tomorrow.
So…I don’t have so much prep to do after all.
Thank god for all miracles, big and small!
All of a sudden,
as if someone had lit a fire
I felt motivated to get some stuff done.
Things that I had been wanting to do
got done in a matter of minutes.
And so I wonder about procrastination.
I wonder about the time I spent
judging myself for not getting things done.
I wonder what I could’ve done with that time,
if it were used in service of something greater
May I develop the discipline to notice
when I’m caught in that old trap
and just get the freaking stuff done already!
I begin to discover
to what degree I’m still waiting
for the rest of my life to begin.
Once he moves out
and the separation begins…
Once I have a steady income
and I don’t need his help…
Once my heart heals from the loss…
Once I start to believe in myself…
Once I am able to live a more creative,
a more joyful, a more liberated existence…
And I sit here, wondering how long
I will defer my happiness
waiting for something besides
what I already have
in this one moment.
I look for the wisdom
in loving what is.
I search for the courage necessary
to hold myself accountable
for such presence.