Tag Archives: projection

Who Needs ‘Em?

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Haven’t I given enough?
Can’t you love me now?
Can’t you accept me now?
Can’t you see how hard I try?
You owe me.
What? You don’t want
the kind of love I want?
What?
You want freedom?
You want lightness
and fun
and excitement?
You want what you want?
Wait. You’re leaving?
You think this is all my fault?
Wait!
We can work this out.
I can admit to my faults.
Can you admit to yours?
Wait, what?
This is all my fault, really?
Yep.
Relationships are so complicated.
Who needs ’em?

Rollercoaster

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The rollercoaster of emotions…
One moment
fury, rage,
the next,
sadness, grief
I try to find ground
and discover that nothing is solid.
The world trembles and opens up
beneath my feet.
I fall and keep falling.
Even my dreams speak
of disaster, of dissolution, of death.
And what am I grieving?
It certainly wasn’t love
if it dissipates into a thin veil
and then disappears
as if it were never there.
Am I mourning what I’ve lost
or my projection
of what could have been?

A Lot of Work to Do

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Working at the level of mind
can get very heady.
Being acutely aware of all thoughts,
challenging their truth,
seeing how they make me feel,
deciding which ones to share–
so much work it gets exhausting.
I sometimes wonder if there will come a time
when it gets easier,
when life seems a bit smoother
because my mind itself has smoothed out.
It takes great courage
to accept full responsibility for one’s experience.
Of course the alternative
would be living at the mercy
of everyone else’s stories.
It also takes great courage
to listen intently
especially when someone’s story
differs from your own.
I’m working on that one.
I still feel defensive, outraged,
put upon, misunderstood,
underappreciated,
and depressed sometimes.
Could there come a time
that I know my mind so well
that it can no longer make me suffer?
I have a lot of work to do.

Inner Activism

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Activism begins within.
It isn’t enough to look around,
see what’s wrong with the world,
and decide to fix things.
It is insane believing
that we can change the world outside.
Imagine…
you are watching a movie,
and there is fuzz on the projector lens.
Will you run down to the screen
and furiously start scrubbing,
trying to remove the shadow projected there?
And how long would it take to realize
that scrubbing the screen
will do nothing to remove
the bit of fuzz stuck to the lens?
If we want to see a clean, clear image,
we must begin with the projector.
We must clean our own lens
if we will see this world rightly.
It is too easy to see injustice,
become angry, and point fingers.
Who will be the brave one
who generates compassion
for the suffering of the world,
and who silently teaches peace
with every step, every breath?
The most profound teachings
aren’t the ones that can be spoken,
they are the ones that are lived,
wordlessly expressed
as the clearly projected image
of a mind and a heart at ease.
If you would be an activist,
address the inner violence,
the inner pollution,
the inner injustice–
and watch as the world
reflects your own pure beauty
back onto the mirror of your soul.

Our Thinking Makes It So

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There is no problem
but our thinking makes it so.
There are no new stressful thoughts;
they have been the same
since the very beginning of time.
Yes, the details and the context have changed,
but the feelings really have not.
Anger is anger and fear is fear.
Sadness is sadness and joy is joy.
Whatever stress we experience
has been experienced many times over…
we are not so different from our ancestors,
even with our cell phones,
Instagram, FaceBook and YouTube.
This is good news!
It means that we don’t have to take
any of these human difficulties personally.
And, everything is personal,
because everything is a projection
of our own minds.
Clean up your mind,
and your projection becomes pure.
Find joy within
and you will see joy outside as well.
Settle into this moment,
see beyond the stories.
Reality is beautiful.
Our thinking makes it so.

Good News

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The answers are inside.
Close your eyes,
take a breath,
and observe.
You might think the world
makes you angry, sad,
frustrated, disappointed…
but really,
your thoughts shape your life,
and everything you see
is a projection of your own mind.
This is good news!
This means that we can choose
happiness, calm, peace, and fulfillment
at any point,
regardless of what is happening
outside of us.
The answers are inside.
If you do not go within,
you will certainly go without.

The Power of Attachment

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I set myself up for it.
I thought for sure it would be mine.
I projected into the future
and created many moments of enjoyment
imagining what I would say and do
and how it would all feel…
and then,
and then
I was told it was given to someone else.
Misery.
Disappointment.
Wanting to know why I wasn’t the chosen one.
And herein lies the power of attachment
to bring one to one’s knees in pain
with weapons that do not exist,
mourning the loss of something that never was.

Now It is Mine

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Disagreement
Tears
Misunderstanding
Projection
Reactivity
Defensiveness
Resentment

Longing for connection
for admiration
appreciation
approval
understanding

Vulnerability
More tears
More tears

Oh how these relationships
tear the heart open
no hiding
whatever issue I perceive in my partner
is mirrored back to me
and now it is mine.

Freezing Rain

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There was a freezing rain advisory in effect this morning until noon. It has been cold here the last few days, and the ground has been frozen, so any precipitation was expected to freeze on contact. I got myself worked up about having to drive in unsafe road conditions, and interrupted my meditation to text two of my yoga teacher colleagues to ask for help. The first one was teaching the class before mine so I asked him to let me know what his drive was like. The second one lives near the yoga studio, so I asked her if she could sub for me if the roads were treacherous.

My husband made fun of me when I told him how worked up I was getting. “Marylanders,” he said, shaking his head.  I actually got bent out of shape with his teasing. The PMS hormones were still having their way with me and I’m not good at taking jokes at that point.

“The roads are not too bad, but be careful,” my one colleague told me. The other told me she’d be willing to teach, just let her know. Not too bad? What does that mean? I hate driving in ice. I hate sharing the road with people who don’t know how to safely navigate in wintry weather. My anxiety continued to rise until I was in quite a state as I was getting ready to leave. I even screamed maniacally at the hubby when he attempted to argue with me about something that I found inconsequential. I wanted a moment to get ready and asked him to let me be. When he stood there, telling me that he couldn’t believe I was reacting in that way, I just kind of lost it and reacted even worse. “GET OUT OF MY FACE!” I told him.

I left the house feeling pumped full of adrenaline, and had to take some really slow, deep breaths to talk myself out of my anxiety storm. I felt really guilty for blowing up at my husband. Ashamed that I didn’t have more self-control. Remorseful for letting it get to that point.

It turns out that the roads were fine.

I hoped that none of my yoga students would be scared away by the forecasted weather. As I pulled into the studio parking pad way earlier than normal, I wondered if I could fit my own practice in before my students arrived. The room was nice and warm. I rolled out my mat and sang a couple of kirtan songs to the empty room. I felt soothed by my own voice, glad to be there early, having that moment to mentally prepare for teaching.

Twenty-one students showed up, ready to move and breathe. Twenty-one wonderful, willing, open human beings, so eager to learn and explore. I love my job. I’m so grateful for my students.

I left the studio feeling calm and centered. I called Cliff to check in; he sounded fine, the kids were fine, down for nap. Everything was back to normal. The events of this morning stood as a reminder that I still have so much work to do to master my mind and its fluctuations, its temper tantrums, its reactivity.

I wondered if I would ever get to the point that I wouldn’t explode with anger when faced with life’s daily challenges. Will I ever be that patient, and aware, and centered?

The weather will change, and hopefully so will I. Someday the clouds will part and reveal the clear blue sky. Maybe my moods are like this changing weather. I can’t really choose sunshine or rain, but I can choose how I experience them.  Perhaps my work isn’t to eliminate the anger and the anxiety, but to hold space for them, to let them come, and then to let them go. Just like drops of rain falling on the windshield on a cold January morning, I can watch them rolling down, down, and away.