Falling into the abyss
and there is no one there to see me or catch me.
I try to reach out, to grab a hold of something
to stop the free fall,
but I’m just flailing in space,
air passing through my fingers.
Maybe if I surrender into the fall,
I’ll eventually come out the other side
on a whole new planet.
Maybe I’ll feel welcomed there.
Maybe they will recognize me there.
Maybe they’ll ask
Where have you been?
Maybe they’ll say,
We’ve been looking for you.
Maybe there is a reason
I feel like I don’t fit in here.
Maybe I am not from here.
Maybe I’ve been searching all this time
to find a way back home.
Maybe this falling is the way.
Remembering life is right now.
I keep questioning,
realizing there are no answers.
Questions are doors and windows
to new possibilities;
my spirit challenges me
Is this faith,
to believe there is more
out there for me
even though I can’t
I summon gratitude,
help me take action.
I keep misplacing things
and spending my time looking for them.
I look in deeper, beyond the things.
What have I misplaced in myself?
What am I searching for within myself?
Will there come a time
when things can come and go
and I will be just as serene without them
as I am with them?
Can I find myself and know myself well enough
that I am complete
with or without the things?
It’s a story as old as time.
Let me be one of the blessed few
who can be happy no matter what.
You’ve always shown up when I needed you.
You always helped me to get through.
I need you to be here now,
to be with me in full force.
Resilience, my friend,
show me how to make it through this.
Last year, when he said it was over,
you showed up
and helped me survive.
When I was a puddle on the floor,
you came to me and said,
Eat. Sleep. Meditate. Cry.
Take a walk. Take a bath.
Call a friend. Call on God.
Day after day
you helped me live through
heartbreak, betrayal and loss.
You helped me make it through one dark year.
I want you to show me
my deeper resourcefulness.
I want you to help me connect
to the best part of myself
and stay connected.
I want to move forward,
provide for myself and my kids.
Can I trust in you to be there for me?
You’ve always helped me in the past.
Can I trust in you now?
Caught in the trance of unworthiness*
Wondering what to do, where to go,
what to say and to whom,
which book to read,
what action to take,
how to stand, how to sit,
how to walk,
what to eat,
what to drink,
what to wear,
who will understand
all these questions, these doubts,
There is a darkness,
an unspeakable horror in me,
clawing to get out.
It visits me in my dreams at night
and wakes me up.
I feel exhausted by these nightly hauntings.
I want release, relief, respite
from being tossed around on these huge waves
in the infinite ocean of consciousness,
the surface of which
has been stormy for quite some time.
I’m tired of the turbulence,
tired of this endless transition
from what was familiar
into a new life that I cannot see or fathom.
They say I’m at the helm.
They say I have the power.
They say I can change my narrative, my perception,
They tell me I’m better off without him.
This is just talk,
and I am tired of being thrown about endlessly
on enormous waves out in the middle of nowhere,
no land in sight,
on a flimsy vessel that is sinking fast.
I have nearly drowned a thousand times
in the dark waters of my psyche.
Why do I keep thrashing my way to the surface?
I want a safe harbor, a home,
a place of belonging,
a tribe who knows and loves me.
Why in the moment when I most need connection
does it seem that no one is there?
Why with all of this love around
does it not show up in the way I’m wanting?
More questions than answers,
and afraid to go to sleep
because I know what waits for me in the darkness:
than any human should bear.
*Spiritual teacher Tara Brach talks about the trance of unworthiness in her book Radical Acceptance.
It got me again today,
creeping up slowly
and then suddenly taking hold…
the depression was back,
and there was nothing
I could do about it.
Everything made me cry—
seeing families together,
imagining myself alone
in the midst of all these people.
I even cried at Chili’s
when I took the kids there
for a birthday lunch for my daughter.
After all this time
and all of these practices, I’m still wondering
When will this pain stop?
I think I’ve found the answer
but then I’m left with more questions,
Depending on my mind state,
this is good news or terrible.
Questions are open doors
leading to new worlds,
and I do love exploring—
I just want to feel safe.
I just want to be held
in a safe little world
How then to make peace
with the questions
and love them
like treasure chests
as we crack them open
to reveal the jewels inside?
How to use this currency
to travel to faraway places
and expand even more?
One thing is for sure:
I’m learning every day
that I’ll never be done learning.