Tag Archives: questioning

Never Done Learning

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I think I’ve found the answer
but then I’m left with more questions,
always more.
Depending on my mind state,
this is good news or terrible.
Questions are open doors
leading to new worlds,
and I do love exploring—
but sometimes
I just want to feel safe.
Sometimes
I just want to be held
in a safe little world
I understand.
How then to make peace
with the questions
and love them
like treasure chests
as we crack them open
to reveal the jewels inside?
How to use this currency
to travel to faraway places
and expand even more?
One thing is for sure:
I’m learning every day
that I’ll never be done learning.

Last Night in Arizona (For Now)

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My girlfriends have left
and here I am in Phoenix,
in a nice room I found
on Airbnb (thank you!)
I leave tomorrow.
I miss my kids
and can’t wait to see them,
yet I feel anxious
about coming back
and seeing the man
who was my husband for eight years.
This grieving process makes no sense.
This heart feels healed and wounded
all at once.
I went to the desert for answers,
I shared my insights,
I meditated, laughed and cried.
My heart burst open.
I could see that everything will be fine.
But how to maintain that feeling
in a home that no longer feels like home?
I wonder how I can
integrate myself
back into my daily routine,
how I will look at him,
speak to him
knowing what I know now.
One day at a time I suppose…
it’s the only way this works
in the end.

Retreat Day 5: Integration

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Soon we’ll be heading back home.
How will it feel
to leave the warm Arizona desert
and return to the reality
that awaits me back home?
What do I do
when home doesn’t feel like home?
It’s cold in Maryland.
My husband and I are meeting with
the mediator next week.
I still grieve the loss of our friendship,
the loss of closeness, of trust,
of a shared future.
I want to have answers
but that’s not how this works;
I’m living my path
day by day,
moment by moment.
I want to see the whole
trajectory of my life,
but all that is ever revealed to me
is the next step forward,
just one step at a time.
So I take one step.
That’s all I can do.
My deep wish
in this moment
is that the magic I felt
while here
will be so integrated
within my Self
it will stay with me
and live in my heart
as I turn towards
what waits for resolution,
opening to what is.

Making My Case

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Heading out of town
and one week
becomes a lot to plan for.
I tell myself
This time I’ll pack lightly.
Hours later
my suitcase is as heavy
as…as…I don’t know what—
but it’s heavy.
I can’t really plan
in the end.
I can hope I have
what it takes
but ultimately
I’ll never know what I need
until the moment
presents a need.
Now,
how to go about
simplifying these needs?

Sleeping With My Mother

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For the first time in months
I’ll be sharing my bed with another…
this time with my mother,
who is visiting for the holidays.
She came a little early
to help with the kids
while I take time out
for a week long retreat,
God bless her.
It seems odd to share my bed
with my mother,
but since my husband
is no longer my husband
he occupies the space downstairs
with his brand new bed…
when will he share his bed
with another?
It has been five months
since we slept beside one another.
I miss the closeness, the warmth;
sometimes I even miss his snoring.
Does he miss me ever?
Strange, the questions that arise
as I contemplate
sleeping with my mother.

Are You Willing to Pay?

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Help is everywhere,
all around us,
but we won’t see it
if we’re searching for
the help to arrive
in a particular form.
On the journey to freedom,
our eyes need to be set free
from the mind that tells them
how to see.
Our minds need to be set free
from the will that demands
things turn out a certain way.
And our wills need to be set free
from the prison of our conditioning.
Such freedom comes at a great cost:
We must be willing to let go
of who we were
in order to be who we are now.
Do you long for such freedom?
Are you willing to pay for it?

Thinking About Faith

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Faith is a muscle, I was told recently,
You have to use it to strengthen it.
Ok, so how? I began thinking…
It’s easy to have faith
when you’re hitting every green light,
when you manage to slip into
the shortest line at the grocery store,
and everything seems to be going your way.
But how about when you’re stuck in traffic,
you have no choice but to wait in a long line,
and it seems like nothing is going your way?
Can you have faith then?
Can you believe that all of this
was meant to be…for YOUR benefit?
Because it isn’t faith when it’s easy,
it’s faith when it’s difficult,
when you can’t see the path ahead
but you leap anyway,
when you can’t see the reasons
for everything being as it is
but you trust anyway.
We have a lot of work to do
in order to cultivate such faith,
but imagine the rewards of such work:
being able to relax in this moment,
certain that you have what you need
to grow into the highest version of yourself.
Let me have faith
that my faith is just as it should be.
Let me trust, let me breathe,
let me relax into this moment,
deeply grateful for what is to come.