The way you doing anything
is the way you do everything.
So, if you’re really honest with yourself,
are you handling this pandemic
the way you handle
(what was) your everyday life?
Is it a crisis? Are you panicking?
Does it feel like something is missing?
Like you should have known better,
or done more, or saved more,
or created more by now?
Do you have regrets?
Do you yearn for what was?
And how is this thinking different
from the way you were thinking
before the $hit hit the fan? Honestly?
you decided to elevate your mind
to a state of gratitude?
What if you started searching
for the opportunities present
in this challenge?
What if you decided to leverage
your gifts, talents and abilities
in service of humankind, right now?
the way you do anything
is the way you do everything.
Anybody else go through these periods of time
where you procrastinate your butt off
and then get so disgusted with yourself for procrastinating
that you finally bust a bunch of things out all at once?
Maybe someday I’ll get better at parsing things out
and doing things bit by bit like a reasonable person.
But for now, when the wave of getting things done shows up,
I’m going to ride that wave as long as I can!
If I can’t enjoy the little moments
tucked inside my hours,
how will I enjoy my days?
If I can’t enjoy my days,
how I will enjoy my weeks?
If I can’t enjoy my weeks,
how will I enjoy my months?
How will I enjoy my life?
Lorien of the future,
Lorien on your death bed,
I vow to you—
I will enjoy this life now.
I will enjoy my moments,
my hours and days and weeks
and months and years.
I will enjoy my decades.
I will enjoy this life.
Without any words to define you,
who would you be?
How would you describe yourself?
Without any past to regret,
without any future to long for,
who would you be right now?
If we drop the ideas about reality
and dive straight into this one moment
we can live what is here, now.
Awakening is closer than you think.
Do you know when you’ve worked so hard
And now you’re tired
And you just want to rest
And you let yourself rest?
Yes. That beautiful feeling
of letting yourself rest
I want that for you.
She keeps striking out in the darkness,
but there is no one there to fight.
The shadows dance and slip away,
and she is exhausted to her very soul,
sparring with aggressors that don’t exist.
How to be successful in battle
when the one she fights
is on the inside?
You know, he said,
You really are getting a lot of this right.
And I took this in,
and I wondered why I fixated so
on everything I thought I was doing wrong.
Could it have been the way I was spoken to
during my marriage?
Or was it the way I was spoken to
when I was a child?
I’m thinking both.
I’m thinking what I learned as a child
led me to tolerate
what happened in my marriage.
Now it’s time to heal.
Now it’s time to celebrate who I’ve become.
I’m a human, and I make mistakes,
but you know what?
As a single mom/yoga teacher/meditator/
healer/visionary/creatrix/lover of God
I really am getting a lot of this right.
I sit here tired at the end of the day
and it feels like I don’t have much to say
to inspire or uplift or heal or comfort…
I’m just grateful for the quiet,
the sound of the night symphony,
insects whirring and buzzing,
the whoosh of an occasional car passing by,
a neighbor’s music floating in from somewhere.
. . . . . . . . . . .
I ask myself if I shouldn’t write these poems earlier,
when I first wake up
and the day is bright with promise
and I’m simply glad to be alive
and I still have energy to dream of what might be.
And which Lorien is really me?
The fresh, first thing in the morning meditator
or the tired single mother,
grateful that summer is almost over?
. . . . . . . . . . .
They’re both me of course,
but somehow the morning me
seems more desirable
than this tired, nighttime me who has been
completely used up by this day.
I suppose I need to hear from both of them,
because I am a full-spectrum human being,
because we are all full-spectrum human beings,
but sometimes we forget that the darkness
is just as relevant as the light,
and the movement of morning
isn’t necessarily more valuable than the stillness of night…
is burning in your heart,
searing your mind,
waking you up at night?
Are you willing to feel the question
with every fiber of your being?
Are you willing to live with
your yearning for an answer?
Are you willing to sit with the uncertainty
for as long as it takes,
as many days, weeks, months, years
as it will take
to live your way into the answer?
This is the path of the heart-strong warrior.
Are you willing to walk this path?
I must warn you
it doesn’t get easier.
As your practice deepens
so do the questions.
At some point you’ll be holding the entire universe
inside your heart asking yourself,
What did I get myself into now?
You’ll see that you are alone in this question
with no safe place to run or hide
and no one to keep you company,
not even the wind.
The tide has shifted
and I’m ready for change.
Somehow more empowered…
maybe my practices have coalesced?
Or is it the clarity arising
from 100% sobriety
100% of the time?
Is it that the Universe has aligned?
Is it that enough people have prayed for me?
I’ve begun to feel
that life is worth living again…
Is it the blessing of a thunderstorm,
cooling the air
after the sweltering heat of day,*
the look in my children’s eyes
as we pick wineberries
by the side of the road,
the hustle back home
as the storm approached?
Something is different.
There is more hope,
more conviction that somewhere,
this will all work out.
*My home’s air-conditioning system has be inoperable since May. If you are from around here, you know how godawfully hot and humid it is in these parts this time of year. If you’re not from around here, trust me when I say that it’s basically inhumane and cruel to not have air conditioning during the summer months…