Tag Archives: questions

Go Deeper

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I wonder…
if I go deeper than I’ve ever gone before,
will I get lost in the depths?
Will I hit the bottom and bounce back up?
Will I get disoriented and not know
which way is up?
Will I run out of air?
Will I drown down there?
Even scarier than the thought
of getting lost in the depths
is the thought of staying forever
stuck in the shallows
wondering if I’ll ever
have the courage to go deeper.
I think I’ll just go ahead
and go deeper.

The Pure Water of Self-Knowing

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More questions.
More books.
Still more of everything.
I read a few pages,
I pause to consider,
and then one of my kids
needs me.
Where was I?
I pick up another book,
read a few pages more.
Will I ever get to the bottom of this?
I start to wonder
if all the answers
to all of my questions
aren’t already inside of me
and I’m using the books
to distract me away from that realization.
Could I trust myself
to get still and pay attention
to what is alive in me in this moment?
It seems that that most helpful guidance
doesn’t come from a book
but instead flows
from the Source within.
Could I open to this source
and let it pour from me
to bless the world
with the clear, pure water
of self-knowing?

Why, Then?

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If I want peace so much,
why do I search for it
where I know it will never be?
If I want freedom,
why do I enslave myself
looking for answers to questions
that chain me more closely
to my deepest sorrow?
It is time to let go.
But what part of me is holding on?
Did I not say I was worthy of great love?
Did I not believe it?
Yes, and yes.
Why, then, do I cling to a story
that I once called “love”
but which has revealed itself to be
a dream projected onto the memory
of a mind plagued with yearning
for more?
I was never fully happy with him.
Always a part of me waited
for deeper connection.
Why, then, do I imagine
I have lost a precious jewel
and will be impoverished
by its absence?
It was never love
if it was so easy to toss aside.
Why, then, do I tell myself such lies
and why do I believe them?

Saturday Night Ruminations

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He is gone again on a Saturday night.
I stopped asking long ago where he goes.
And I suppose
he let this marriage go
long ago,
but not I.
I still wake up at night
forgetting this has happened.
I committed for life.
How do you uncommit?
How do you rescind your sacred vows,
spoken publicly?
When I stated mine, I meant them.
I saw us growing old together.
And each time I heard of a couple
going through a separation,
I spoke to him and told him
how grateful I was for our union.
I knew he was unhappy,
but I thought it was just temporary.
I tried to help him.
But he just blamed me.
He left the kids in front of the TV for hours
while I taught yoga today,
and upon my return he left.
Has he met someone else?
Is he with friends?
Will he ever be my friend again?
In time my heart will heal,
but right now it feels so real,
this grief, this pain
from a loss so profound
words cannot touch
this deep dark ground
I’ve fallen on.

Now What?

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I keep asking myself
What am I holding onto,
and what am I willing to let go of?
The answers don’t arrive
in neat little packages;
they feel more like waves,
and they come as urges,
sensations, intuitive bursts.
When I get still and quiet,
when I listen to what’s being said,
when I feel my way fully
into the experience of this moment
all the signs
point the way
to something deeper.
It sinks in finally:
What I’m seeking
to label
is beyond words.
What I wish to grasp
cannot be seized in my hands.
What I want to understand
exists beyond understanding.
I recognize I know nothing.
Now what?

Wholly Dazed

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Don’t get me wrong,
it’s not that I hate Christmas…
It’s just that it is dead to me now.
The lights, the trees, the carols,
stepping into the home
of my son’s kindergarten friend,
seeing their happy Christmas
taking shape in their happy home,
and inwardly bemoaning
the shapelessness of my Christmas,
now that it’s dead.
Disintegration.
A marriage, a holiday, a life,
all falling apart.
Dead things decay;
particles break down
and return to the earth.
New life springs up
and eases the memory of death.
Will this happen for me?
Can I hope for this much?

Deeper Initiation

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The world is closing in
and my feelings overwhelm me;
there is no escape.
Wisdom speaks.
It says:
When it appears
that there is no direction to turn,
it is time to turn within.
Can I tease apart
the many layers of my grief?
Can I find the slivers of light
that make their way in
when I reach for the spaces
between the darkest thoughts?
I never knew it would be this hard.
I wonder who’ll I be
on the other end.
Someone suggested
that this is an initiation of sorts.
Initiation into what?
I know sadness, loneliness,
depression and grief too well.
Is this a deeper initiation,
a chance to crack the code
of existence itself?