You know, he said,
You really are getting a lot of this right.
And I took this in,
and I wondered why I fixated so
on everything I thought I was doing wrong.
Could it have been the way I was spoken to
during my marriage?
Or was it the way I was spoken to
when I was a child?
I’m thinking both.
I’m thinking what I learned as a child
led me to tolerate
what happened in my marriage.
Now it’s time to heal.
Now it’s time to celebrate who I’ve become.
I’m a human, and I make mistakes,
but you know what?
As a single mom/yoga teacher/meditator/
healer/visionary/creatrix/lover of God
I really am getting a lot of this right.
I sit here tired at the end of the day
and it feels like I don’t have much to say
to inspire or uplift or heal or comfort…
I’m just grateful for the quiet,
the sound of the night symphony,
insects whirring and buzzing,
the whoosh of an occasional car passing by,
a neighbor’s music floating in from somewhere.
. . . . . . . . . . .
I ask myself if I shouldn’t write these poems earlier,
when I first wake up
and the day is bright with promise
and I’m simply glad to be alive
and I still have energy to dream of what might be.
And which Lorien is really me?
The fresh, first thing in the morning meditator
or the tired single mother,
grateful that summer is almost over?
. . . . . . . . . . .
They’re both me of course,
but somehow the morning me
seems more desirable
than this tired, nighttime me who has been
completely used up by this day.
I suppose I need to hear from both of them,
because I am a full-spectrum human being,
because we are all full-spectrum human beings,
but sometimes we forget that the darkness
is just as relevant as the light,
and the movement of morning
isn’t necessarily more valuable than the stillness of night…
is burning in your heart,
searing your mind,
waking you up at night?
Are you willing to feel the question
with every fiber of your being?
Are you willing to live with
your yearning for an answer?
Are you willing to sit with the uncertainty
for as long as it takes,
as many days, weeks, months, years
as it will take
to live your way into the answer?
This is the path of the heart-strong warrior.
Are you willing to walk this path?
I must warn you
it doesn’t get easier.
As your practice deepens
so do the questions.
At some point you’ll be holding the entire universe
inside your heart asking yourself,
What did I get myself into now?
You’ll see that you are alone in this question
with no safe place to run or hide
and no one to keep you company,
not even the wind.
The tide has shifted
and I’m ready for change.
Somehow more empowered…
maybe my practices have coalesced?
Or is it the clarity arising
from 100% sobriety
100% of the time?
Is it that the Universe has aligned?
Is it that enough people have prayed for me?
I’ve begun to feel
that life is worth living again…
Is it the blessing of a thunderstorm,
cooling the air
after the sweltering heat of day,*
the look in my children’s eyes
as we pick wineberries
by the side of the road,
the hustle back home
as the storm approached?
Something is different.
There is more hope,
more conviction that somewhere,
this will all work out.
*My home’s air-conditioning system has be inoperable since May. If you are from around here, you know how godawfully hot and humid it is in these parts this time of year. If you’re not from around here, trust me when I say that it’s basically inhumane and cruel to not have air conditioning during the summer months…
There will come a time
when the light that you are
will join again with the light
from which you came.
it is the nature of life
to expand endlessly.
Are you flowing with this tendency,
or are you hindering it?
Are you willing to expand endlessly,
allowing the divine light in you
to be expressed through this form
before the time comes
for you to release this form
back to the earth from which it came?
As much as we hate to think about it,
we will all one day die,
and there is no escaping this truth.
Will you allow yourself full expansion
before you give way to the ultimate
surrender of death?
If you’re wanting to expand
into your fullest self before you die,
then don’t wait!
Nothing is promised;
we only have this one moment.
Call on all your courage,
knowing you will die one day,
and expand NOW.
So, let’s say that all of your dreams came true.
Do you have plans for after
the plans you currently hold
come to fruition?
It is the nature of life and love
to expand endlessly, forever,
without reason or explanation or logic.
You are a part of that expansion
in a body you have rented from the earth.
Infinitely creative and powerful,
you can be, do and have whatever you want.
Yes. So when you get all that,
The old way hasn’t been working for a long time,
but the new way doesn’t feel comfortable yet.
The new way feels awkward, shaky, unsure.
My programming takes over,
and I keep going back to the old way,
which feels familiar and somehow good
BUT STILL ISN’T WORKING.
When can I just make peace with the new way,
and allow it to transform me into one
who can live into a fresh new experience,
even if it’s awkward, shaky, and unsure?