Tag Archives: real life

My Contribution Speaks

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I wonder if you ever really loved me.
Why am I sad to see you go?
They say that shame can’t live
when it’s spoken.
Why in the speaking
do I feel so ashamed?
After this time,
the very idea of sleeping with
someone other than my husband
is utterly absurd
and yet…
he has already slept with another woman.
My husband, the man who was mine,
gave a part of himself away to someone else,
a part that was reserved only for me,
and he shall never be with me in that way again.
I think again about forgiveness,
the years I was told I wasn’t enough,
I didn’t contribute,
I wasn’t a partner.
Two beautiful children
look up at us with wide eyes.
My contribution speaks for itself.

Real Life Keeps Going On

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In a downward spiral,
feeling awful,
feeling unloved, unseen,
unheard.
And this is all a sign
that I have abandoned myself,
that I need to turn toward myself,
and find out what core wound
I’m believing right now.
But it’s so goddamned much work,
and I feel tired to the bone.
No one ever told me
that it would be this painful
to awaken, evolve, and overcome.
I long so deeply for resolution;
there is none in sight.
It’s only me here
with my two children, hungry, bickering,
as real life just keeps going on.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Food for Your soul

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Get to know yourself
not as someone you
need to change or fix–
but with a sense of curiosity,
discovering who you are in this moment
and appreciating that person.
Self-compassion isn’t frivolous
or self-absorbed,
it is an act of salvation.
When you are able to
authentically offer yourself compassion
and commit to deep self-knowing,
all of a sudden you stop fighting
with life
and you start to savor and love
what you have right now,
who you are right now.
From such an open place
any thought or feeling,
any experience
is a call to awakening,
food for your soul,
a way to be nourished
from within
so that your radiance
can shine into the lives
of all beings.

All We Have

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Enlightenment happens now,
not some time far off in the future
when you are exercising more
and eating healthier foods,
or when you have kept a regular practice
and have built up an escrow
of good karma for all your good deeds.
It’s not some day at some point next year
or ten years from now
when you live in the ideal place
with the ideal mate,
the ideal job, house, car, lifestyle.
It doesn’t happen when you have
healed yourself of your old wounds
and those of your family of origin.
It won’t happen when
someday you find happiness
you find peace.
It happens now.
So don’t wait.
Open your eyes, your mind, your heart
now, right now.
This path is all we have.
This path is all we have.

Begin Here. Start Now.

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We can’t start anywhere else
so may as well start
right where we are.
Don’t wait to be a better person.
What is that anyway?
A warrior trains with what is here.
This life of awakening gives us what we need
to learn, to grow, to expand,
to be more present
in our own clear, tender heart space.
Past and future are illusion.
We only have this one blessed moment.
Begin here.
Start now.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 17: Social Media Friend

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Today’s NaPoWriMo prompt brings social media into the poetry equation:

…try to write a “social media”-style poem. Namecheck all of your friends. Quote from their texts, tweets, FB status updates, twitter accounts, and blogposts, and the back of the cereal box on your breakfast table. The poem is about you and you are about what you say, think, talk, eat. You might end up with a poem that seems bizarrely solipsistic (like the internet itself, maybe?), but there might also be a spark there of something live and fun and present (like the verbal equivalent of a really great animated cat .gif).

You know, sounds like fun…sort of…but like the terzanelle I contemplated last night, the social media just ain’t happening tonight.  I spend very little of my time on Twitter, FaceBook and Instagram.  Something about potty training, laundry, teaching yoga, cooking meals, and making time to bathe myself every so often–I don’t know, call me crazy, but the social media just doesn’t fall very high on my priority queue.

Anyway, social media or not, I write a poem every day, and it’s time.
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I would quote one of your tweets, friend,
but I haven’t been on twitter for several moons.
I would post something on your wall,
I would hashtag your name
I would like all of your pictures on Instagram, friend,
but my son just had a pee accident
and my daughter needs a second dose of cough syrup.
I know I’m missing a lot of fun,
all of those viral YouTube videos
and the memes
and the latest news on HuffPo,
but dang it,
the kids need to eat again,
and I haven’t brushed my hair yet today.
And plus, you live far away.
I’ve never met you,
but you know what I look like.
What does “friend” mean anyway?