I don’t need to fix anything, change anything, or figure anything out. Wait a minute. Did I just say that? Yes! Yes I did! I don’t need to fix anything, change anything, or figure anything out. I DON’T NEED TO FIX ANYTHING, CHANGE ANYTHING, OR FIGURE ANYTHING OUT! It’s a miracle!
Relaxing into being, into acceptance of this moment… This is not complacency, it is sanity. When I resist this moment, I spend my energy trying to push reality into my contracted idea of how things “should” be. Living this way is painful. It’s exhausting. It’s hopeless. It’s insane. I’m choosing another way. I choose to accept this moment. I care deeply about what is happening, so I’m not going to accept it in apathy and silence. No, I will accept this moment consciously, see it for what it is, and then decide how I’ll respond, all from a place of relaxed awareness, with no attachment to a particular result. Grateful that this is a practice… I don’t have to get it right. I just have to try. Wish me luck!
If I can drop a little deeper below the surface of the mind that is always problem-solving and strategizing, I arrive at a place where all is well. Don’t get me wrong, the world is still the world, and there is still a Pandemic happening, there are still bills to be paid and an ex-husband to negotiate with and a house to clean and meals to prepare and laundry to be done. There is still a heart that yearns open for a beautiful partner to share love with. There is still the feeling of vulnerability that comes with such deep sharing, and the fear that I will never be met the way I long to be met. There is still the exhaustion one feels being the only adult in the house with two very active children who still don’t know how to pick up after themselves. Yes, all of these things still exist, as I am a human woman living on this earth. But if I can drop a little deeper below the surface of the mind that is always problem-solving and strategizing, I arrive at a place where all is well. It is such a beautiful place. And this is why I practice.
Well… I had set the goal of getting to bed by 10. It’s almost 10:30. I’m not even checking out the NaPoWriMo prompt. This will have to suffice! Night night friends! (I am calling this a poem…using my poetic license) Tee hee. 😁
The ground is shifting constantly, never the same, so how can I build anything right now? Maybe it’s time to let things fall apart, and see what’s left after the winds of change blow through. I’d like to have some kind of plan, a goal, a vision, something that helps me feel like there’s a future and I have some control over the outcome… But this is a war humans have been fighting since they knew they could fight and where has it gotten us? Maybe I’m better off simply breathing and allowing myself to be right here, right now. Breathing and being. Yeah. That has a nice ring to it.
After all this time practicing presence, all this work appreciating possibility, all this meditation on realizing my potential, I recognize that I’m just as attached to my carefully crated reality as everyone else. When faced with the loss of everything familiar, I can’t help but panic, mourn, grieve. It’s humbling to admit after saying so many times I wanted my life to change that now all I am I doing is craving the routine.
Some part of me keeps waiting for the magic wand to be waved or some swtich to be flipped or some magical incantation uttered… and then suddenly My whole life is fixed… But I’ve been around long enough to know that life doesn’t work like this. Which is a good thing, come to think of it, because how many times have I been grateful for unanswered prayers?
I have this power to choose and I choose freedom. I choose to see how inextricably connected I am with All That Is and to communicate deeply with consciousness as it presents itself in the present moment. I choose to surrender into being to dissolve the illusion of confinement within me so that I can truly experience the ultimate freedom. I let go of my definition of this moment. What arrives is truth, reality, the freedom to be exactly who I am, accepting my humanity, in love with life the way it is…
Without any words to define you, who would you be? How would you describe yourself? Without any past to regret, without any future to long for, who would you be right now? If we drop the ideas about reality and dive straight into this one moment we can live what is here, now. Awakening is closer than you think.
I was sifting through mountains of papers looking for something. One of the mountains shifted, sending an avalanche to the floor. And then in the next second, another avalanche. And I said, Okay, me too. So I fell to the floor, lay down on my back, stared up at the track lighting on my ceiling. Here we all are, on the floor. Now what? I felt my body was tired. I didn’t want to search anymore. I knew that whatever it was, either it would turn up, or I would replace it. So I went upstairs, and I got in bed, and had dreams about mountains and avalanches.