Dear One, I know your heart hurts. I know you feel confused. I know you wonder if you will ever let yourself be fully seen by another. I know the world feels heavy. I know that the tears are waiting just behind your eyes. So let yourself cry. This world needs your tears. They are the holiest of waters, washing away the dust and dirt of countless injustices done to your precious, tender heart. Dear One, I see you, and I am grateful for your courage, for your willingness to show up on this day as messy and uncertain and vulnerable as you feel. Stay open, Dear One. Stay open and breathe. This too will pass. This too will pass.
As I continue to remain perplexed, and my mind resists the fact that healing isn’t linear, and so I cannot identify the end point— it seems to me that the key to peace must be acceptance. I accept that my healing is non-linear I accept that healing from trauma can be very messy I accept that there are no clear start and finish lines. And my mind expects that everything will change now that I have found acceptance. I accept that acceptance changes nothing except the way I relate to this moment. I accept this moment. I accept this life.
Singing, singing, learning this music for the Virtual Choir 6 Feeling the shame spiral because I did my habitual thing and waited until the day before to really dive into the music. I remember (again) that the way you do anything is the way you do everything, and behind my procrastination there was the perfectionist, just trying to find the perfect time. Well…now is the time. With my kids out of the house I have quiet. I can record this music. If only I can get it perfectrightdone. Yeah, Lorien, just get it done.
This is just a friendly reminder that you’re doing great, so keep going! In case you forgot, I’m here to remind you, that some days just breathing is enough, and it’s okay to be human and make mistakes and not know when this will ever end or what the new normal will look like. Just wanted to remind you that no relationship is ever wasted, because you learn something about yourself in every single one, and whether you’re alone or with a partner or in between or looking or branching out you’re exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn before you’ve outgrown that experience and it’s once again time to move on. Knowing that the one constant in the universe is change, let us take a deep breath together, and open our arms to what is to come.
If I can drop a little deeper below the surface of the mind that is always problem-solving and strategizing, I arrive at a place where all is well. Don’t get me wrong, the world is still the world, and there is still a Pandemic happening, there are still bills to be paid and an ex-husband to negotiate with and a house to clean and meals to prepare and laundry to be done. There is still a heart that yearns open for a beautiful partner to share love with. There is still the feeling of vulnerability that comes with such deep sharing, and the fear that I will never be met the way I long to be met. There is still the exhaustion one feels being the only adult in the house with two very active children who still don’t know how to pick up after themselves. Yes, all of these things still exist, as I am a human woman living on this earth. But if I can drop a little deeper below the surface of the mind that is always problem-solving and strategizing, I arrive at a place where all is well. It is such a beautiful place. And this is why I practice.
Dear Person who used to be my friend and is now in the process of attempting to jeopardize my employment status at the yoga studio by bringing the quality of my teaching into question and telling the management that you are feeling uncomfortable with the subject matter I’m addressing in my classes: I’m so sorry things didn’t work out between us. You told me you were a colleague having been through yoga teacher training yourself and so I trusted that it was okay to go beyond the student/teacher boundary and explore the realm of friendship. Oops! I was wrong! I was wrong about you. I thought that you were a kind person, but when I started feeling anxious, drained and uncomfortable around you, I decided to back away. I backed out as gracefully as possible. But I guess you didn’t like that. I guess that, like other people I’ve known, you believe that if I’m not for you I’m against you. And now, for some reason, you are trying to take me down, and (like other people I’ve known) you are attempting to recruit other people to agree with you and join you and take me down with you. But here’s something you should know: I have been to the very center of hell many, many times and I have always come back. You can say what you want, you can attempt to take me down. You can even try to bring me to hell with you. You can attempt to create an entire posse of supporters to drag me down, to rake my name across the coals, to convince the world that I’m worthless as a teacher. If you try hard enough, you might even be successful in getting me ousted from my job. I may have to struggle a little more because of your childish vendetta. But you will not win. I will rise up from hell. I will find new work. I will thrive even more. I will always come back.
There is so much wisdom in surrender, knowing that I don’t know, opening to guidance, keeping the faith that there’s a reason, relaxing deeper into trust. When I could finally let go of the life I thought I had, the life I felt entitled to, I finally had the space to welcome my real life, as it is, right now. Then the real healing could begin. I had to let go of my marriage and I had to let go of my anger toward my children’s father for abandoning the marriage. I had to let go of control (I had none to begin with). When everything fell apart and there was nowhere to go but through, I learned to get clear and sober and fill my mind with prayer. I learned to turn everything over to a power greater than myself. I turned over my thoughts, words and actions, my hopes, dreams and fears, my beliefs, perceptions, my ideas of success and failure. Somehow, grace pulled me through the darkest nights of my soul; somehow I survived the changes that took time… I am grateful for prayers, sacred words spoken that bolster my courage and soothe my bodymind. I am grateful that my whole life has become a prayer.
You’ve come a long way baby! You were scared to live without him and then he left. You thought you were going to die, but you didn’t. You were terrified you wouldn’t find a new home, and then you did. You weren’t sure you could make ends meet, but you have, month after month after month. Just look at you go, sweetheart! See how it all works out? From my perspective, you’re a superhero. And…I LOVE YOU.
When he left I tried to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him and I wanted to forgive the other woman. But as much as I tried, it wasn’t working. I was still angry, lonely, grieving. I was still terrified, feeling betrayed, victimized. Then I realized I didn’t need to work on forgiving them, I needed to work on forgiving myself. I am training myself to understand that I’m worthy of love even if I’m not perfect. I’m working on forgiving myself for tolerating the way I was treated in my marriage. I’m working on forgiving myself for being human. With the focus back on me I can actually feel my body/spirit/mind/heart/self as it heals. I’m finally getting to know the woman I am, and I’m discovering that I love her.
We might feel haunted but what needs to get done. We might feel driven to achieve success, and we might believe that we’ll be happy once we do. I am one of those people. I am also fortunate to have teachers, mentors, guides and wise ones show me a different way. When I feel haunted by the to do list, I can pause. When I think I need to be more successful, I can pause. The household chores don’t all have to get done at once. I don’t need to achieve overnight success. I don’t have to prove myself to the world. I can pause to enjoy where I am and who I am right now. What a relief!