Tag Archives: relationships

Everything Will Work Out

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Just get through today,
my recovery friends tell me.
Just get through the next hour,
the next minute.
I ask myself what got me here,
wondering how I’ll make it through
one more minute.
It’s a soul contract,
my spiritual buddies tell me.
You accomplished
everything you were meant to
and now the relationship
has run its course.
You can let go now.
But how?
He’s gone,
and all I feel is the pain.
When did the pain start?
Surely before I married him.
I must’ve brought it with me
into the marriage,
and somehow, together,
we activated it
so that I could learn.
Can I thank him
for giving me a chance
to see and work through
my old pain?
Can I have faith
that Divine Love
brought me here
but won’t abandon me here?
Can I trust
that everything will work out?

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 16: Toys of Her Own

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Today we’re asked to write about play.  See the prompt here. This year, I’m noticing I’m consumed by the theme of the decimation of my marriage, and so this is the first thing that came to me as I read the prompt.

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There wasn’t enough of it in our relationship.
If there had been, we might have stood a chance.
But things got so serious, especially after we became parents.
The sad part is, we really had all we needed,
and the kids showed us every day how to be natural,
lighthearted, taking pleasure in simple things,
finding the joy in every little thing.
We could’ve let them be our teachers,
but we were too busy trying to be adults.
After a time the little boy in you began to tantrum;
he was tired of being ignored.
And you hadn’t done the work of deep listening,
so the feeling of discontent was taken as evidence
of my failings and our inherent incompatibility…
and that’s the story you told.
We’re just not right for each other.
We’ll never be able to make this work
or so you said. Yes, you weren’t willing to change.
That responsibility fell on me.
So the little girl in me said, “OH HELL NO!”
I had done the work of deep listening,
and I took time to honor the voices within.
Out of love for you and because
I was committed to our marriage,
I increased the time spent sorting myself out,
because I knew I’d be a better wife,
lover, mother, friend, and creatrix
if I could understand the currents at work
within me.
But all those things scared the little boy in you.
He called me selfish.  He said I wasn’t a partner.
And after eight years and two beautiful children,
the tantruming little boy said, “ENOUGH!”
So you got out and you played.
First with some friends,
eventually with another woman’s body.
I try to see the innocence,
you entering her
the way you would a playground,
you picking her up
the way you would pick up flowers
and sticks and bugs,
you riding her
the way you would a swing…
But it wasn’t as innocent as all that,
and you lied when I discovered your games,
tried to make me think I was crazy,
tried to make me doubt myself, my intuition.
Now you’ve found a more expensive toy,
a BMW. Is the little boy happy now?
Maybe one day you’ll see that all you really wanted
was to be seen, and heard and held,
to laugh, to run, to be free…
all you wanted was a little play.
I could’ve given you that,
but you thought you needed new toys.
Farewell, little boy.
This little girl has done her homework.
After the dust settles,
you’ll need to go back to school
and work hard to relearn some basic skills—
respect, honor, dignity,
commitment, understanding, empathy.
Meanwhile my little girl
will be having the time of her life.
She’ll be outside running in the open air,
shouting, whooping, dancing, spinning,
playing with friends and new toys of her own.

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 15: Narcissus in the Spring

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Today we were invited to take a villain and humanize them.  Check out the prompt here. I have my villain.  If you’ve been following me you know who it is without trying too hard.

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He left us.
Left our marriage,
our family.
Left our children
to pursue another.
He lied.
Lied to me,
his family,
our friends,
created a camp,
started a war.
When I could sense the truth in my body,
he gaslighted me, told me I was crazy.
And now he wants my help.
How can I say no?
I met him nine years ago this month;
we were married eight years in November,
and the love doesn’t stop
even when he betrays the sanctity of our union.
He’s in pain.
He hurts and he doesn’t know the cause.
He wanted this transition to be the medicine
he’s been craving for two years now.
But the sorry sap doesn’t see his own folly.
If he can’t take ownership of his role
in our relationship
or any relationship for that matter,
he’ll be doomed forever,
caught in the endless cycle
of perceived victimhood,
looking outside of himself for the answers
that can only come from deep within.
No matter.
By the time all of this catches up to him
I’l be gone.
I’ve watched the narcissus blossom in the spring.
Anything could happen.

I Choose It

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He gave up on me.
He didn’t want my sweet honey any longer.
He thought he’d find someone sweeter
and I became stronger.
He’s afraid of me now
though he’d never admit it.
And I wonder how this
being I find myself pitying
is the same one I met
and felt so much love for
when love’s first blush
painted the rosiest of pictures.
I love reality because I choose it,
and I live life because I love it,
and meanwhile reality and life
owe me nothing.
How could I be so blessed
to see the beauty of the wounding
and accept the turn our lives have taken?
He set me free. This is a gift.
And I choose it.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Letting Go

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This push-pull of existence,
like the rise and fall of the waves
the transition of summer into fall
how the moon makes way for the sun
how the stars fade at dawn
how what I once thought was love
turns out to be another story.
And what is the moral here?
Holding on to something past its time hurts,
but only one hundred percent of the time.
Sometimes the only answer is letting go.