We went on some wonderful dates. First date: A twenty-mile bike ride. Second date: Kayaking on the lake, then sushi, then yoga on an outdoor covered stage during a thunderstorm. Third date: Rock climbing, swinging in my hammock, heart full of possibility. All dates: Amazing conversation, many points of common interest, lots of laughter. We had a fourth date last Thursday. He kissed me! I was thrilled! We talked about moving forward with each other. I felt myself falling in love! We made plans for Monday. And then… And then… Saturday came and there was no word from him. It was hard for me to enjoy the 4th of July because I felt so much angst and uncertainty. Sunday came and there was no word from him. It was hard for me to enjoy the 5th of July because I felt so much sadness and confusion. Monday came and there was no word from him. It was hard for me to enjoy the 6th of July because I felt so much heartbreak and devastation. 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 👻👻👻👻He ghosted me.👻👻👻👻 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 With the ghostly memories of our wonderful dates moaning and wailing in my ears, I kept asking, Why? Why? What did I do wrong? Heart broken, sad, ashamed that I had let my guard down and shown a man my heart after three long years of… no…man…at all… I reached out to make sure he was safe. He said, Can we be friends? I began to feel angry at life, angry at God, angry at myself for risking being hurt again. I wanted to crawl under a rock and go back to living like a nun. My friend and my sister said, Just get back on those dating sites and see what happens. I have a first date scheduled for Friday: Coffee I have a first date scheduled for Saturday: Hiking I have a first date scheduled for Sunday: Kayaking Big Gunpowder Falls. Wish me luck.
I hope you’re faring well now that we have slowed down a little and allowed you a chance to recoup your strength a bit. It must be hard with so many of us human children running all over you pretty constantly with no thought to how your plant children and animal children and mineral children are affected by us screaming human toddlers over here. I’m going to bet this is your favorite Name day in years, now that the dolphins have returned and the turtles have returned and the air is cleaner and countless other places on your beautiful body have had a chance to rest and heal. Mother, thank you. Thank you for your support all these years. Thank you for this life, this breath, this nourishment, all of these opportunities to move and be and express the fullness of who we are. Mother, I pray that when this strange time your human children are going through right now is over, we’ll remember what really matters, and take you into account when we make our decisions. But I know that you love us no matter what, and you’ll do what you have to do to teach us what we need to learn, as all good mothers do.
Hello friends. Today is day 3. Except it’s close to midnight, which means it’s almost tomorrow. Today’s NaPoWriMo prompt was all about using a rhyme generator and playing around with sound, but I’m not a very rhyme oriented poet—maybe I should try to be more enthusiastic about rhyming? At any rate, I must admit I am totally not in the mood to attempt to generate a word bank right now, so I’m going rogue on this one. 🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳
Too Many Words
I don’t need to search for words. I have too many in my head right now. Virus. Curve. Shelter. Pandemic. Isolation. Crisis. Collapse. Fear. I attempted to keep myself busy with yard work today. It’s what normal people do on a normal spring day. I even got my kids involved. (Part of me was thrilled to have them outside. If it were a regular day they would have been in school). I found myself in tears hours later, after my kids went to their dad’s house for the weekend, and I found myself alone, knowing I’d see no one else for days. Quarantine. Ventilator. Masks. Intubation. Social Distancing. Death. I call my sister in tears. I tell her that I’m not passing the yoga test, that I’m not doing this as well as a yoga teacher should do a pandemic. I’m hearing the inner critic, she said. More tears. I distracted myself with rare vintage footage of Terrence McKenna, me and 5000 people on Crowdcast…totally alone, watching together. I guess that this is how I’ll get through this. I’ll face my aloneness. Like everyone else in the world.*
🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿🌱🌿 *I feel a need to acknowledge those of you who are shut inside with people you don’t necessarily want to be with, my heart goes out to you. Maybe my situation (days of isolation) sounds like paradise. Well, I’ll breathe for you as you long for solitude, and I ask you to please breathe for me as I long for company. I’ll take in this peace and quiet, and I’ll radiate this feeling out into the whole world for you to feel. My friends who are with loved ones…please take in your feelings of warmth, being seen, being loved, and radiate this feeling out into the whole world for all of us who are lonely, that we might feeled loved even in our loneliness. Thank you. 🙏🏻❤️🌈🙏🏻
Don’t worry about getting it right because you can’t get it wrong… Just make it through this. You don’t have to try to be good, because you can’t be bad, you are a human being… Just make it through this. Throw out all goals except this one: To breathe slowly and deeply as many times as I can remember, through all the days of my life. The outcome is assured. Relax. Breathe. You’ll make it through this.
Dear Person who used to be my friend and is now in the process of attempting to jeopardize my employment status at the yoga studio by bringing the quality of my teaching into question and telling the management that you are feeling uncomfortable with the subject matter I’m addressing in my classes: I’m so sorry things didn’t work out between us. You told me you were a colleague having been through yoga teacher training yourself and so I trusted that it was okay to go beyond the student/teacher boundary and explore the realm of friendship. Oops! I was wrong! I was wrong about you. I thought that you were a kind person, but when I started feeling anxious, drained and uncomfortable around you, I decided to back away. I backed out as gracefully as possible. But I guess you didn’t like that. I guess that, like other people I’ve known, you believe that if I’m not for you I’m against you. And now, for some reason, you are trying to take me down, and (like other people I’ve known) you are attempting to recruit other people to agree with you and join you and take me down with you. But here’s something you should know: I have been to the very center of hell many, many times and I have always come back. You can say what you want, you can attempt to take me down. You can even try to bring me to hell with you. You can attempt to create an entire posse of supporters to drag me down, to rake my name across the coals, to convince the world that I’m worthless as a teacher. If you try hard enough, you might even be successful in getting me ousted from my job. I may have to struggle a little more because of your childish vendetta. But you will not win. I will rise up from hell. I will find new work. I will thrive even more. I will always come back.
What will take away the rage, the fatigue, the sheer exhaustion? What will make all of this seem ok, so that I can get up and do this again (and again and again and again and again)? How many days like this until it won’t be like this anymore? Tonight, I feel solidarity will all single parents everywhere who just want some help, because it all feels like too much.
You’ve come a long way baby! You were scared to live without him and then he left. You thought you were going to die, but you didn’t. You were terrified you wouldn’t find a new home, and then you did. You weren’t sure you could make ends meet, but you have, month after month after month. Just look at you go, sweetheart! See how it all works out? From my perspective, you’re a superhero. And…I LOVE YOU.
What calls you out of your cave and into the light of day? What wakes you up from darkest night and opens your eyes to the morning light? What keeps you going when you want to give up and give in? What gives you the reason you need to take one more step, more more breath? Whatever IT is, spend some time giving thanks, so that IT knows you’re grateful.
For a long time it felt like something was missing. I had been a Mrs. for so long, and now he was gone. There was an empty place in my bed, a hole in my heart, an vacant seat at the table, a void of presence in my life. But slowly, slowly, as time went on, I faced the one inside me who believed I couldn’t make it on my own. I worked hard. Day after day, I recommitted to my healing. I began to enjoy the company I kept in the quiet moments of solitude when I wasn’t working or mothering. It’s Saturday night and I’m alone. The highlight of my evening was a long soak in the tub. I love this moment. I love that nothing is missing. I love that I can feel my wholeness now. I love that I stayed alive for my healing.*
*If you’re reading this with a broken heart, having gone through a loss of a relationship or the loss of a loved one or the loss of something by which you formed your identity, please hang in there. It gets better. There were so many moments during my separation and divorce that the pain was so intense that I really thought I wanted to die. Thankfully I had Twelve Step Meetings, therapy and a few really good friends who helped me stay on this planet. On the other side of that terrible trial, I can look back and see what a gift it was. I am stronger now, and more capable of loving authentically. I have a clearer sense of who I am, and a much better idea of where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. There is hope, friend…hang in there.
Dear God, Thank you for this day. Thank you for waking me up again. Thank you for giving me strength to make it through, even when I’m tired, sick, and all I want to do is rest. Thank you for helping me to be the most loving mom I can be to my kids, for tending to their needs joyfully, patiently, and with gratitude that I was blessed with children (even when sometimes I wish I weren’t!). Thank you for cleansing my heart of envy when I see husbands taking care of their wives with love in their eyes. Help me to embrace my loneliness, so that if it is your will one day, I might celebrate partnership again.