Tag Archives: resilience

Within: A Note to the Trolls and Other Thoughts

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Dear Troll,
Are you he,
the one who procreated with me
and then left,
blaming me for everything?
Or are you one of his minions,
currying favor with him,
by feeding the thought
that I’m the crazy one?
Just curious…
don’t you have anything better to do,
than to scour the internet
looking for proof
that his lies about me are true?
I am a woman
making my way back on my feet
after a devastating loss.
Are you his new victim?
Do you believe the story that he loves you?
He told me he loved me once.
But when all was said and done,
it was easier to blame me for his pain
than to man up and work on himself.
Dear Troll,
You can troll all you want.
He can say that I am “whining” online.
But I will not stop speaking my truth.
And someday you might discover
that the things you criticize in me
are the disowned places in you
crying out for your loving attention.
When you feel ready to access those places,
you’ll stop pointing your finger at others
and go in the only real direction
that you haven’t yet explored…
within.

**********
Yesterday in a text message my ex-husband accused me of “whining online.” If you look at my post yesterday, you’ll see I talked about some challenges I’m currently going through: his underpayment of court-ordered support and the subsequent need to take legal action, as well as my need to secure new health insurance. Admittedly I was a bit startled when he referenced my online activity—choosing words that confirmed he had read my post—because it got me thinking that he or someone else is trolling this blog, stirring up adversity and feeding the story that there is something wrong with me. I speak this out into space, because I’m discovering more and more that abuse and shame can’t exist out in the open. Our secrets make us sick, and I won’t keep it a secret that the man I once loved is deciding to take liberties with the agreement he signed his name on, and justifying withholding funds from court-ordered support for me and his children with his twisted logic. I speak this out in the open, because unfortunately, underpayment or no payment of child support is the norm in our society, and those who have a legal responsibility to provide support to their children and former partners somehow manage to dodge the law and dodge the consequences that the law would mete out if they were caught in a timely fashion. I speak this out because I want this trend to change. I realize that if it has been this awful for me—coming from relative privilege (education, resources, community, job)—how must it be for the population of underprivileged single moms out there who don’t have access to the same resources? Finally, my words are my power. By speaking my truth I know who I am. I will not back down. I plan on fighting a good fight, for myself and all moms everywhere who struggle to know what their future will hold in a time of such volatility and uncertainty.

And to you trolls out there, whether you are he himself, or his new intimate victim, or one of his “friends,” keep reading. Enjoy my posts. Have fun. May you be safe, happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease. And may the pure light of awareness shine upon you and lead you to the realization that what you do to another you do to yourself, so that you can begin helping instead of continuing to hurt. When you feed a story like this, it helps no one. I stand with my hand stretched out in friendship, and you can take it at any time. The choice is yours.

We Can Do This

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Tired to the bone,
and so completely done
with this day,
but it’s only 4PM
and it’s time to be a mom.
I find strength for one more breath,
one more step.
I realize I am not alone,
that there are many other mothers
finding strength for one more breath,
one more step.
I breathe into my heart,
taking all of the exhaustion
for myself and all exhausted mothers,
into the infinitely vast space
of my open heart.
I breathe out,
sending out strength,
comfort, hope, and a dash of humor.
We can do this.

Find Another Way

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Driving in the cold dark twilight,
I see flashers up ahead;
someone had slipped on the ice,
and a tow truck and a police car
were there stretched across the road,
and I could go no further.
Time to U-turn.
Heading the other way,
the sun illuminated my path
and I made it to my destination
through another route entirely.
Redirecting feels inefficient
but when obstacles bar your passage,
you can either stay stuck
or find another way.



Living Deeper

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It’s done,
and I feel way less emotional
than I thought I would.
Even with you posting
the picture of your champagne,
saying “Divorce never tasted so good,”
and toasting your adventures
with your “new love…”
I’m not getting the same jolt
I got at this time last year,
when I realized you were with another.
There’s no more betrayal.
There’s no more grief.
There’s no more sense of loss.
I don’t need you anymore.
I have me now.
I have worked hard to heal
and to see what got me here;
I’m stronger now,
I can take care of myself…
and I love myself so much
that I actually enjoy being alone!
So go enjoy your Parisian vacation;
enjoy spending time with her.
I’m living deeper now,
inside a timeless place,
where the comings and goings
of a man such as you
can no longer affect me.
***********

Now, God,
if you can help me shift
from indifference to compassion,
that would really be something!

🌈🙏🏻❤️✨

Looking Back…And Forward

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Looking back
on a year of many ups and downs…
Finally, resolution is in sight.
This time last year,
you will still living in this house.
This time last year,
you had just begun a relationship with her.
This time last year,
you were denying it.
This time last year,
I was losing weight,
feeling anxious,
angry at your infidelity,
your dishonesty, your dishonor.
This time last year
I held you responsible for my happiness,
and I had fallen to the depths of despair.
But this time next year,
I see myself happier, healthier than ever before.
This time next year,
I will be standing on my own two feet financially.
Maybe this time next year,
I’ll have a wonderful man in my life,
a man who wants to love me
the way I deserve to be loved.
I won’t make the same mistakes with him
that I made with you.
In the midst of the nightmare
we shared
I learned
that my happiness is within me,
and when I really find it,
no one can take it away,
not even you.
Now it’s time for integration of what I’ve learned,
and space to dream of what is to come.
I’m in a more peaceful place now,
at home in my body, in my heart, in my mind.
I can say “Thank you”—sincerely—
for the lessons you taught me,
and I can wish you well.
May you find wholeness in 2019,
may your heart’s desires be granted.
May you know healing on all levels.
May you be free.

Another Chance

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There have been many times
this past year and a half
where I was sure
I didn’t want to go on living.
The pain was too intense,
the grief too deep,
the anger too hot,
the overwhelm too suffocating…
and I just wanted to escape.
But somehow, magically,
serendipitously, synchronously,
at just the point when I had reached
the peak of my pain
and was ready to give up,
someone or something would show up
to help me give life another chance.
I am so grateful for the incredible grace
that has flowed through my life,
always giving me reasons to stay alive
when I was ready to reject everything.
I give thanks to the one who knows me,
to the one who knows exactly what I need
to always give life another chance.