Relaxing into being, into acceptance of this moment… This is not complacency, it is sanity. When I resist this moment, I spend my energy trying to push reality into my contracted idea of how things “should” be. Living this way is painful. It’s exhausting. It’s hopeless. It’s insane. I’m choosing another way. I choose to accept this moment. I care deeply about what is happening, so I’m not going to accept it in apathy and silence. No, I will accept this moment consciously, see it for what it is, and then decide how I’ll respond, all from a place of relaxed awareness, with no attachment to a particular result. Grateful that this is a practice… I don’t have to get it right. I just have to try. Wish me luck!
There’s some part of me that chronically resists some aspect of the present moment. You’d think after all this time I’d realize that resistance doesn’t help. But the part that resists is an unconscious part that runs silently in the background, always prompting me to see all things exactly the same way, to keep it routine to keep it familiar. I can’t stop it because most of the time I’m completely unaware of it. The practice is now maintaining enough awareness of my awareness that I can keep some awareness where it matters most.
Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind: Nope. I wanna sleep in. Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind (whining): But I wanna just be comfyyyyyyy. Spirit: Get up and meditate. Now. Body (silently) gets up, gets dressed, goes downstairs and meditates. Takeaway: Spirit always wins, thanks to discipline.
Suddenly I recognized I didn’t have to worry anymore, I didn’t have to struggle anymore, I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone, I didn’t have to fight to survive. Suddenly I realized that peace is here, now. I didn’t have to change anything, fix anything, improve anything, heal anything, forgive anything, understand, analyze, anticipate, modify, regret, like, dislike, or hope for anything. I didn’t have to communicate anything. Suddenly I realized that this moment holds the key to everything and there is nothing lacking. And for the first time I felt free.
I can feel the pressure building inside of me,
pressure to get things done, get things organized,
be better, do more, know more,
pressure to have a plan,
pressure to answer others’ questions…
It’s the dark time of the year,
and the darkness is bringing me down.
I don’t want this pressure.
I want to hide.
God, help me change my mind.
Help me welcome the pressure.
Let me see this discomfort as a yoga posture
life has given me to master.
If I can breathe through it,
I can learn something from it.
Sometimes I resent having to do so much work
to wake up, to improve, to become better…
Like everyone else, I just want to be happy, healthy,
have a good life, be at peace.
Then it occurs to me
that the work will enable me to create these things
and claim them as mine.
If the good life were handed to me on a silver platter,
could I accept it?
Would I see myself as worthy?
I’m so grateful for the infinitely generous present moment.
No matter how many times my mind goes back to the past
or rushes headlong into the future,
this beautiful present moment
always waits for me right here, right now,
with wide open arms.
He wants to say Hi to the kids every night.
Every night his voice is in my home
like he never left.
now his mistress’s voice is in my home,
as my son asks if she is there,
and her face and her voice appear.
Son says that he can’t wait to see her, the other woman. My son can’t wait to see my husband’s mistress.
How do I compartmentalize?
How do I live with the cognitive dissonance?
I’m trying to be free of them,
but they are in my mind,
in my home,
in my children’s minds.
My children are innocent.
They are loving, accepting and kind,
just like I want them to be,
just like I taught them to be.
But I get tense every night when he calls.
He left my bed, my heart, my home,
but every night he comes back
like he never left.
There is a rhythm to life,
to the rising and setting of the sun
and the cresting and the crashing of the wave,
there is a rhythm.
Could I let go inside the pulse of the Universe?
Could I trust this cosmic rhythm
of coming and going,
of wholeness and disintegration?
How might I show up inside this moment
as I embrace the fullness and the emptiness,
as I let go in order to receive?
The only thing I could ever lose
is the ego that only knows to resist what is.
As I turn to face reality
and I allow the resistance to melt,
the whole world opens up before me.
I think I’ll choose
the path of least resistance.
I start to wonder
why I’m so tired all of the time
so I take a step back
and look into my life.
Working so hard,
finding precious few moments
to really rest (if any),
feeling out of balance,
unsure of where I stand.
And then I realize,
maybe I’m so tired
because I think life
should be different
from the way it is now.
Maybe the true burden
is the belief
that it all should be
other than what it is now.
What would happen
if I practiced acceptance?
What would happen
if I let go into the river of life
and flowed with this moment?
Waking up early
when I want to sleep in…
wanting to roll over
and go back to sleep–
getting up anyway.
Sitting on my cushion
feeling tired and heavy,
starting to nod off,
trying to staying awake.
Still feeling tired,
wanting to lie back down,
sitting up straighter,
staying awake somehow.
My meditation practice
the meaning of discipline.
It’s hardly ever fun,
but it is always important.