Woke up this morning, said to myself It’s time to apply for unemployment. Right in the middle, the website crashed. I couldn’t log on to my kids’ iPad to install the Kids’ Messenger app because I had forgotten my Apple ID password, and there was a whole process involved to reset it. Then I couldn’t log on to my Human Resources account to cash in my ONE hour of paid sick leave and this is after going back and forth via email with someone from HR this whole week. Then my friend told me an email she sent got bounced back… one of my email accounts has a totally full inbox. I’m thinking to myself, Screw technology. I mean, really all that happened is that I’m home and finally have the time to take the lid off this can of worms. Ew. Technology feels gross right now. But it’s the only way to stay connected right now. So I need to get over myself and just handle this can of worms.
I have this power to choose and I choose freedom. I choose to see how inextricably connected I am with All That Is and to communicate deeply with consciousness as it presents itself in the present moment. I choose to surrender into being to dissolve the illusion of confinement within me so that I can truly experience the ultimate freedom. I let go of my definition of this moment. What arrives is truth, reality, the freedom to be exactly who I am, accepting my humanity, in love with life the way it is…
I take a breath. This moment is good. I choose to meet it with gratitude. Not fighting, but accepting this moment, choosing how to act, what to say. Sometimes I’m not ready for this level of responsibility. Sometimes I’m full of joy and gratitude for this opportunity to grow and evolve. Sometimes I move from deepest sorrow to bubbly happiness within seconds. This is what it is to be human, able to feel so much.
Choosing clarity over comfort and service over self-indulgence, knowing that short-term pleasure eats into long term success… I think about what makes a leader a leader. Beyond the roles we play and the hats we don, what is our true identity? The moment we breathe slowly and deeply we enter into the field of presence that was never given and can never be taken away. I look up to anyone who can enter this field and show me how to arrive there without tricks or gimmicks, without bypassing or denial. If I cannot find such a one to lead me, I must become a leader myself. And in today’s world, rife with chaos, fraught with trauma, I think that this is precisely what Life is asking all of us to do.
Overcoming the old programming by taking action in direct opposition to the fear. I was told I was terrible with money so I retaliate with a budget. I was told I was lazy, so my answer is hustling with all I got. I was told I was a squatter, so I found my own place to live. I was told to get a real job so I tripled my work at the job I already had. Go ahead. Keep talking. Every criticism makes me stronger.
Sitting in ceremony this weekend, I realized how very much my mind still wants this moment to show up differently and how much suffering this wanting things to be different stirs up in my life. If I could only love and accept this moment as it is, how would my experience be different? Could I soften into this beauty? Could I accept my own wholeness, my completeness? Could I love this journey I’m on, and learn to accept that uncertainty is an integral part of the adventure? I’m walking on the razor’s edge between acceptance and resistance, every moment, between peace and suffering. I see how much choice I have, and how much responsibility to make the choice that will help and heal instead of hurt and hinder. As a mother, the choice becomes even more impactful. My kids are watching me make meaning out of all of these life experiences. I’m teaching them every moment how to love or how to fear this life. God, please show me how to love. God, show me how to love this life, so that by the time my kids are my age, they’ll know which choice to make.
Sometimes I wonder how you could go from I love you to It’s over. But that’s exactly what happened, from one month to the next… And yes, nearly two years later, I’m still wondering. I’ve read another book, The Way of the Superior Man,* by David Deida. (You told me I read too many books, but then I think you watch way too much TV.) I flagged each sentence that shed light on what went wrong in our marriage. I’ll go back and reread what I’ve flagged, memorize the passages, so that never again will I share my heart with a weak man, a man who blames his woman for his shortcomings, a man who defends his mediocrity by rescinding his responsibility. I’ll read every book I can get my hands on about cultivating a healthy relationship with myself and healthy relationships with others. I’m becoming quite an educated woman. The beauty of my aloneness is that I get to dream of being with someone who deserves me, and I get to cultivate the deep sense of worthiness that will draw him to me. I’m still healing from the wounds you inflicted when you left our marriage in such a cowardly way. Eventually, though, when I’m with a beautiful, strong man who loves and appreciates my deeply feminine core, I’ll thank you for giving up, because I know I was worth so much more.
*I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It resonated so deeply and clarified so much. I’ve never felt so vindicated, seen, heard and understood. Ladies, every one of you, please read this book. Gentlemen, every one of you, please read this book.