Feeling a little lost, out of sorts these days. I couldn’t be bothered to write the last few nights… what has happened to me? I return a bit sheepishly, feeling guilty for dropping my routine; it’s been the one thing that has held me up through the transition into single motherhood. I remember the wisdom of my teachers. Begin where you are. Only this moment matters. You’re doing fine. You are enough, just as you are, right now. My mind loves to point out that although I can articulate my teachers’ wisdom, I’m not necessarily so great at embodying it. Oh well. That’s why we practice. We remember that we can keep trying, again and again and again.
I’ve been keeping this blog for years now, and this is my 6th consecutive year of NaPoWriMo. Hey, a pandemic can’t stop poetry, good news, right? Today’s prompt on the NaPoWriMo site recommended trying out a metaphor generator. I had some fun with it, but it didn’t inspire any poetry. So, I’ll just be doing my thang today…which is simply showing up and allowing what wants to be said to come forth…
As I grope for some kind of sane rhythm in the aftermath of our loss of normalcy I am comforted by what doesn’t change.
I still grow tired at night. I still eat, drink, use the bathroom. I still breathe.
I fell out of the loop for a moment, caught in a swirl of perfectionism. Suddenly I remembered that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about showing up authentically in the perfection of this moment… and so I came back.
Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind: Nope. I wanna sleep in. Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind (whining): But I wanna just be comfyyyyyyy. Spirit: Get up and meditate. Now. Body (silently) gets up, gets dressed, goes downstairs and meditates. Takeaway: Spirit always wins, thanks to discipline.
I’m still working on simply accepting this moment. It may be a life long practice, because as I really pay attention to it, I notice that there is very little about this moment that is like anything I’ve ever experienced before. In fact, this moment is completely different from anything I’ve ever lived… and I realize that my mind that wants familiarity was just painting a picture of the routine over what I was living in reality, and calling forth routine perceptions and behaviors in response to the picture my mind has painted. Every second that ticks by is a miracle. Am I available to experience it? This moment is a huge gift. My children are changing, I am changing, the weather is changing, our circumstances are changing, everything is constantly in flux. Maybe I remove the blindfold and see that beyond the routine there is a fieild of infinite possibility. May I awaken to my true nature there.
When you decide to live in the mystery, nothing is predictable. One day goes smoothly, the next full of obstacles. When you decide to leave the safety of routine and give your life over to some greater purpose, only surrender and trust will do. It is a death of sorts… familiarity makes way for chaos, and this is a good thing. The moment your whole life falls apart, this is the beginning of your journey to realizing your fullest destiny. Take heart; there are others who have gone before you, you are not alone. Take a deep breath, walk to the edge and jump. You will grow wings and fly, you will be caught by some gigantic gentle hands, or you might be smashed to bits on the rocks below. Whatever happens, new life awaits… so don’t wait. Dive, dive into the mystery, and see what happens.
I learned a breathing technique last night,
and this morning,
I ditched my established meditation routine
and focused on this one thing.
It was kind of amazing
to try something new.
After more than 1.5 years doing the same thing,
it was a revelation
to just switch it up.
And then I wondered, In what other areas of my life have I gotten stuck in a routine, and where else do I need to
ditch the old
and just switch it up?