Tag Archives: sadness

Falling

Standard

Falling into an abyss,
powerless to slow the fall,
grasping for something
to give me a sense of
here, now,
but there’s nothing,
nothing to hold onto.
I look inside,
but the darkness there
is darker than the darkest night.
Everywhere I look
the darkness clouds
this experience of life.
Clearly it’s time for a change…
I can hear you tell me that this is all my fault.
I can hear you blaming me for everything that’s wrong.
And still I miss our togetherness,
the intimate moments we shared,
just for us.
When will this sick mind heal,
this mind that longs for the very thing
that wounded it?
As I continue to fall,
I keep wondering
Will someone eventually catch me?
Will I grow wings and fly?
Will I smash into a million pieces at the bottom?

Deeper Under

Standard

Saturday night and I’m alone.
I used to have a husband
and we used to live together
with our two children…
I used to have a family.

I try not to retell the story
of how you made the choice
to break our family apart,
and share your heart
and bed with someone else.
But the pain is real,
and the grief surges up inside me
like a wave
and suddenly I’m drowning.
A drowning person
can’t think logically…
they’re fighting for survival.
All they want is a breath of air.
Just like this,
I cannot think my way out
of the grief that drowns me.
I’m thrashing about inside myself
looking for land,
trying to catch my breath,
but there’s no land,
and there’s no breath,
and I’m sinking deeper,
deeper under.

Inside My Heart

Standard

I want to forgive you.
I know my pain is holding me back,
and I know that my sadness
was never your fault.
I gave you too much power.
I wanted you to be my redeemer.
And after a while,
you were no longer my lover,
or my partner, or my best friend.
We fell apart…
and it is no one’s fault.
But how to move forward,
when the pain of loss
burns so brightly, still,
inside my heart?

Confessions

Standard

I drank some wine tonight…
specifically to alter my mood.
I was feeling anxious
and exhausted from enduring
the difficult feelings.
I wanted them to change.
I want to escape these feelings.
I wonder why I had children.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I wish I could run away.
My children are the only reason
I’m still here in this part of the world.
I’ve thought about leaving this planet
many times this past year.
I’ve had more thoughts like these
since the holiday season has arrived.
The anger is back and so is the depression.
I wonder how long I can make it
feeling like this.
I don’t want to have to take pills.
I want to lick this on my own.
But it is licking me.
I’m angry at life.
Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.
Then I’m ashamed that I haven’t
fixed my life by now.
I keep working to improve myself,
but the deeper I dig
the more faults I discover.
Why did I start digging in the first place?
I could go on forever,
but you probably wouldn’t read this,
and your reading this is one of the only reasons
I’m writing this.
I thought this was for me,
but really it’s because I long to be seen
and heard and understood.
Thanks for listening.

I Know There Is More

Standard

I’m feeling sad,
wanting this moment to be different.
I want more space, more freedom.
I want financial autonomy.
I want to offer something that will help others.
I want to step into my power,
express my essence,
create something beautiful, inspiring.
But the depression returns
and covers me in a dark, heavy blanket
of lethargy, fear, anxiety, doubt, inertia.
How to break free?
I know there is more out there,
I know I am capable of more.
How do I move forward?

Maybe This Is The Way

Standard

Falling into the abyss
and there is no one there to see me or catch me.
I try to reach out, to grab a hold of something
to stop the free fall,
but I’m just flailing in space,
air passing through my fingers.
Maybe if I surrender into the fall,
I’ll eventually come out the other side
on a whole new planet.
Maybe I’ll feel welcomed there.
Maybe they will recognize me there.
Maybe they’ll ask
Where have you been?
Maybe they’ll say,
We’ve been looking for you.
Welcome home.

Maybe there is a reason
I feel like I don’t fit in here.
Maybe I am not from here.
Maybe I’ve been searching all this time
to find a way back home.
Maybe this falling is the way.