I was looking everywhere else
except for where I
really needed to be looking:
Once I slowed down,
and chose to love myself
exactly as I am,
all the scenery came tumbling down
and for one moment I saw
the actors getting ready
for the second act.
They seemed really pressed for time
until I let them know
it was an audience of just one
and I’m going to need a long intermission.
Where is the balance point
between the effort and the ease?
Where is the grace
that allows forgiveness to find me?
Where is the sweet one
who will coax my heart out of hiding?
Where is the soul nourishment
that will sustain me?
I keep trying, trying, trying.
I’m exhausted from the effort
of teasing apart the jumbled mess
of other people’s perceptions
and finding my true self
concealed somewhere deep within.
Where am I,
who am I,
in the midst of all of this chaos?
And one day,
all of the searching will be over.
This will be the day
you stop looking outside of yourself.
You will sit down,
close your eyes,
and see that the answers
to your heart’s deepest yearning
were within you all along.
What a beautiful day that will be.
I could hear this one song playing
in my head all day long
but I couldn’t remember
the artist or the title
or the album art…
I kept reminding myself
to just relax,
I would find it when it was time.
But the music haunted me,
and I kept searching.
I went through so many
And I was struck (again)
by how I deprive myself
of this beautiful present
when I’m searching
for what isn’t there,
what isn’t available,
what isn’t clear,
what isn’t understood.
Finally, I let it go.
I went about my business.
I lived my life.
I read. I ate.
I went to a twelve-step meeting.
I checked in with a friend via telephone.
And then, much later,
I heard the song playing in my mind again.
I searched another playlist,
and within one minute I found it.
And I was struck (again)
at how everything comes to me
in the perfect time and space sequence…
and especially when I just relax
and allow life to unfold.
Still searching for the book
that has the answers…
I search in
ooks on self-love,
books on forgiveness,
books on leadership,
I read and I read and I read.
I keep searching
for that one piece of information
that will save me.
Then it occurs to me,
Maybe the book I need to read
is the one I need to write.
I have been searching and wondering and questioning.
I have been hoping and wishing and praying.
I have been dreaming and writing and visioning.
I have been singing and dancing and running.
And always, the object of the search eludes me.
I am exhausted, fighting battles with myself,
spurring myself on, telling myself to push through.
And then it occurs to me that I have it all wrong.
I’ve been headed in the wrong direction all along.
If I could just get still and silent and listen,
I’d see that the only direction I’ve left out
is the answer to every seeker’s agonizing request
to be shown their purpose and their path.
When every other option has fizzled out
and it seems like there’s no direction to turn,
After all of this questioning and soul-searching
I remember brother Rumi talking about
how the quest leads us away
from the object of the quest.
Have I been searching in the wrong places all along?
Or was I led to all of these places
only to force me to see that they were
always pointing me back home?
I’d like to know how surrender works,
Show me, Essence of Life,
how to flow with the present moment
in gratitude and peace.