Tag Archives: seasonal affective disorder

Confessions

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I drank some wine tonight…
specifically to alter my mood.
I was feeling anxious
and exhausted from enduring
the difficult feelings.
I wanted them to change.
I want to escape these feelings.
I wonder why I had children.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I wish I could run away.
My children are the only reason
I’m still here in this part of the world.
I’ve thought about leaving this planet
many times this past year.
I’ve had more thoughts like these
since the holiday season has arrived.
The anger is back and so is the depression.
I wonder how long I can make it
feeling like this.
I don’t want to have to take pills.
I want to lick this on my own.
But it is licking me.
I’m angry at life.
Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.
Then I’m ashamed that I haven’t
fixed my life by now.
I keep working to improve myself,
but the deeper I dig
the more faults I discover.
Why did I start digging in the first place?
I could go on forever,
but you probably wouldn’t read this,
and your reading this is one of the only reasons
I’m writing this.
I thought this was for me,
but really it’s because I long to be seen
and heard and understood.
Thanks for listening.

Faith, Hope, a​n​d Memory

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In the dark of the year
my soul goes into hiding
and I want to sleep
until the light returns.
And yet I must keep going.
There are children to feed
and students to teach
and this body to bathe and clothe
and lungs that need to breathe.
My mind seeks comfort,
the safety of one who understands.
There is no one here besides me,
and the loneliness engulfs
like the encroaching darkness.
And then, faith.
And then, hope.
And then, the memory
that I’ve made it through this before.

Down

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Down.
Of course I always was
at this time of year,
because of the absence of light,
because of the cold,
because of the way
the sun sets when I’m not ready.
But this year,
the Christmas decorations
are bringing me down too.
The Christmas carols
are making me cry
instead of sing.
I feel sad looking at my children.
I feel sad about everything.
I never knew something
that always brought such joy
could bring the sting of sadness
over and over and over again.
But I guess that this is how it goes
when home doesn’t feel like home,
when your husband isn’t a husband,
when your life isn’t what
you thought it would be.
Still, there’s something about the holidays
that makes this worse.
Is it the outward cheer
that throws my inner desolation
into such sharp relief?
Every time I see a Christmas tree
I want to weep.
Sometimes I do.
Please God, let me make it through.

It Begins

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Fall arrives on a whisper of wind
Suddenly, it is dark again
earlier in the evening
and later in the morning
and I have that wistful feeling
reminding me I’ll be letting go
of light and warmth…again.
The in-turning begins.
In truth, though,
it began at the turn of the solstice,
but summer is too bright to notice
how the light recedes ever so subtly,
until, until it is gone from me
and all I have is the memory
of sunlight and bright days and bare feet.
I made a commitment
to reframe my vision–
to no longer call it adversity,
now it is opportunity.
Now is the time to reach deeper still
and remember what lies within.
To embrace the in-turning
and the treasures that await
while my watching eyes fixate
on the breezy summer skies.
This letting go is good for me.
This going inwards is an opportunity.
I won’t fight the fading of the light,
not this time…
I’m ready now.
Come on darkness.
Bring it on.