The inner critic creeps up
and tries to interrupt
the flow of peaceful thoughts
that now stream through my mind
quite regularly after years of meditation practice,
prayer, determination, effort,
discipline, will, twelve-step meetings,
coaching, and therapy.
I turn around and look at the critic.
Oh. You again?
Yeah. It’s me. You still suck. You’re terrible.
Ah, my dear. Let me hold you.
Let me rock you.
Let me tell you how loved you are.
Let me show you how,
even after all this time,
you are still enough.
Relaxing into being,
into acceptance of this moment…
This is not complacency,
it is sanity.
When I resist this moment,
I spend my energy trying to push reality
into my contracted idea of
how things “should” be.
Living this way is painful.
I’m choosing another way.
I choose to accept this moment.
I care deeply about what is happening,
so I’m not going to accept it in apathy and silence.
No, I will accept this moment consciously,
see it for what it is,
and then decide how I’ll respond,
all from a place of relaxed awareness,
with no attachment to a particular result.
Grateful that this is a practice…
I don’t have to get it right.
I just have to try.
Wish me luck!
I don’t know if it’s a sign of exhaustion
or straight up resistance,
but lately I haven’t been as consistent
with my writing
as I was in the past…
My inner perfectionist is horrified.
My inner critic is sneering.
My inner child is sad.
Oh well. I’m writing now.
I’m writing now.
And this moment is good enough.
This feeling keeps happening,
and so I’ll just keep on asking,
When will I go through an entire day
and feel like I am enough, really enough?
I know that I am the heroine of my own story,
and it is my choice—I can write a really good one,
but when will my mind be free of the stories of others?
I want to stop hearing the voices of any souls
who were operating under the mistaken assumption
that I am broken and need fixing.
Why are their voices the loudest?
Great Spirit of Love and Life and Beauty,
Let me hear Your voice, only Your Voice.
Part of navigating this whole time of uncertainty
has been learning how to let go of expectations
and go with the flow. I know, I know…
I’m not saying anything new or earth shattering,
but it’s new for me to let go of control
and just accept this moment as it is.
I am not complacent, don’t get me wrong—
I still have preferences, ideas, desires, wishes—
but the difference is, I’m practicing welcoming
what is here in this moment, and choosing
how to respond from a place that is deeper
than what my ego thinks it wants or deserves.
I’m glad to know that this is a practice,
because I’ve been trying so long to be perfect,
and it’s just exhausting, so exhausting,
trying to get everything right.
Now, I’ll just breathe. I’ll take a slow deep breath,
and I’ll give thanks. I’ll give thanks for this moment,
this one moment of my life.
A part of my healing journey
has been to loosen up a little
on some of my routines.
I have been accused of being rigid,
too attached to my routines,
and each time I felt the urge
to defend my practices
if not out loud,
then inwardly, to myself.
As I began to peer inside a little more,
I could see how my routines were sometimes fillers,
excuses not to be completely present,
because I could check out
as I attended to them…
and so this need to defend my practices
came from anxiety that they might not be serving me,
and the pain of feeling like my time spent doing them
was a complete waste.
Is there such a thing?
Could it be that my practices served me then,
but I eventually outgrew them,
and now they no longer serve me
the way they did before?
Could I drop the shame around change?
Don’t we learn by making mistakes?
Can’t I ease up about being perfect, being right,
and instead, can I welcome this moment
with my heart that yearns to love more open?
Singing, singing, learning
this music for the Virtual Choir 6
Feeling the shame spiral
because I did my habitual thing
and waited until the day before
to really dive into the music.
I remember (again)
that the way you do anything
is the way you do everything,
and behind my procrastination
there was the perfectionist,
just trying to find the perfect time.
Well…now is the time.
With my kids out of the house
I have quiet.
I can record this music.
If only I can get it
perfect right done.
Yeah, Lorien, just get it done.
Feeling a little lost, out of sorts these days.
I couldn’t be bothered to write
the last few nights…
what has happened to me?
I return a bit sheepishly,
feeling guilty for dropping my routine;
it’s been the one thing that has held me up
through the transition into single motherhood.
I remember the wisdom of my teachers.
Begin where you are.
Only this moment matters.
You’re doing fine.
You are enough, just as you are, right now.
My mind loves to point out
that although I can articulate my teachers’ wisdom,
I’m not necessarily so great at embodying it.
Oh well. That’s why we practice.
We remember that we can keep trying,
again and again and again.
This is just a friendly reminder
that you’re doing great, so keep going!
In case you forgot, I’m here to remind you,
that some days just breathing is enough,
and it’s okay to be human and make mistakes
and not know when this will ever end
or what the new normal will look like.
Just wanted to remind you that
no relationship is ever wasted,
because you learn something about yourself
in every single one,
and whether you’re alone or with a partner
or in between or looking or branching out
you’re exactly where you need to be
to learn what you need to learn
before you’ve outgrown that experience
and it’s once again time to move on.
Knowing that the one constant in the universe is change,
let us take a deep breath together, and open our arms to what is to come.
What if I could experience myself as good enough?
What if I could see my life as good enough?
What if I saw myself as a good enough mom?
What if I really believed I was a good enough teacher,
daughter, neighbor, artist, sister, musician, cousin, friend?
If I stopped telling the story that there is something wrong with me
and started telling a new one called
I AM ENOUGH
What would happen then?