Tag Archives: self-awareness

In the Midst of Chaos

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Where is the balance point
between the effort and the ease?
Where is the grace
that allows forgiveness to find me?
Where is the sweet one
who will coax my heart out of hiding?
Where is the soul nourishment
that will sustain me?
I keep trying, trying, trying.
I’m exhausted from the effort
of teasing apart the jumbled mess
of other people’s perceptions
and finding my true self
concealed somewhere deep within.
Where am I,
who am I,
in the midst of all of this chaos?

Too Many Rules

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A friend came and visited.
We sipped our mugs of tea
and filled each other in
on the comings and
goings of our lives.
He’s three months into
a fulfilling relationship
with a vibrantly beautiful
and talented woman.
I’m happy for him.
I shared about my sadness,
loneliness and isolation.
I told him how I wanted to be
financially autonmous
before dipping my toes
back into the waters
of love and relationships.
It’s been two years since
I’ve been with a man,
and my body feels the urge
to be held, to connect…
but I don’t trust myself
to attract a healthy man
into my life,
and I’m still reeling
from the pain of my divorce.
So I’m waiting.
He told me I have too many rules,
that if I stop myself from desiring
I stop myself from moving forward.
Now my head is spinning.
Is it true?
Do I have too many rules?

Have You Remembered?

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Read, listen, breathe, enjoy…but not necessarily in that order…

When you woke up this morning,
did you remember who you really are?
Have you remembered yet today?
If not, let me remind you,
but first,
S L O W L Y
EXHALE ALL THE WAY,
and then,
S L O W L Y
INHALE ALL THE WAY.
There now, that’s better, isn’t it?
✨❤️✨
You are pure consciousness in a physical body
standing on a tiny blue dot
in the middle of infinite space.
You are a single cell on that blue dot,
a subatomic particle of the atom in which you live,
and yet your consciousness
is bigger than the universe.
Can you open in awareness of this vastness?
Can you feel out to the farthest reaches of space,
can you sense into the urge to expand forever?
Can you take on the awareness of a star,
burning in your desire to express your light?
Can you spin the way a planet spins,
can you feel its mass,
and can you sense the momentum it has attained
in its embrace of the cosmic dance?
And YOU, how about your embrace?
You are the center of the universe, did you know that?
You are, in this very second,
entirely surrounded, held, seen, known, loved and cherished
by the force that created you
(and you can call it what you want!)
You are sovereign in your center,
holding the consciousness of the cosmos.
Now that you’ve remembered
that the entire universe is yours to command,
what now will you do?

As I Am Ready

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What if I stopped trying so hard to be good,
to stay ahead, to get it right, to get it done?
What if I could just accept
that this life is a process
and I will never be done?
What if I could really feel and know
that I will one day die,
and it might be sooner than I thought,
and then I will simply be gone?
How would I live
if I knew I didn’t have as much time
as I hoped I did?
What if I could wake up in this moment
and recognize that everything,
all of it,
is a gift?
What if I could stop blaming others
for where I am,
take charge of my life,
and step into my full power?
I’ll ask the questions
and have faith that the answers
will reveal themselves
as I am ready to see them.

Maybe I’m Not Ready

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This week,
as I read books about sacred intimacy
between the divine masculine and
the divine feminine,
I realize how I resent being unpartnered.
I realize how I never thought
I’d be celibate for two years
at this stage of my life.
I think about my natural urges
as a grown woman,
my need for touch, intimacy, connection,
my desire to share myself with a sensitive, loving partner.
I think about how easy it would be
to create a profile on Tinder
and just hook up with someone.
Except…
that is not who I am.
Maybe in my 20’s
casual sex seemed like an okay thing to do,
but not anymore.
In order to experience
what I truly desire:
a profoundly deep connection
and the joy of truly being seen,
heard, held and cherished
within a safe intimate relationship,
I have a lot of work to do.
First on myself
and on the tendencies
that led me into a marriage
with a man who rejected
who I was at my deepest core,
and second,
I have to start somewhere
and maybe actually go on a few dates.
UGH. UGH. UGH.
Hi, I’m Lorien.
I’m recently divorced,
I have two young children,
and I’m still healing
from the tremendous
pain I experienced
when my ex-husband abandoned me.

Any takers?
I’m not sure I would want me
with that kind of endorsement.
So maybe I’m not ready after all.

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So HEY! Just curious. Is there anyone out there who went through a godawful, brutal divorce, healed from it, and managed to go on and meet someone with whom you’re enjoying a safe and healthy relationship? Anyone with kids from a previous marriage who managed to meet someone new and engage in a better, healthier relationship than the one you had with your children’s other parent? I’m all ears. I’d love to hear what worked for you in your healing process and any insights you’d offer to someone like me, who isn’t all that excited at the prospect of dating, but who longs for a safe, intimate partnership with someone sane and healthy—and who has no idea where to begin…

I Apologize (But Not Really)

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Dear Everyone,

I apologize for the tone of my last poem.
Actually, I don’t.
I have raging PMS
and the veil between 3D reality
and the spirit world is thinner
and everything I have been suppressing
in my act to be nice and please everyone
is now coming up of its own volition.
So really, I have no control over it.
And so, if you don’t like it,
you know exactly what you can do.

Love,
Lorien

Today Was Enough

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I was thinking
I was going to get more done today
and suddenly
I was paralyzed.
With fear, with anxiety,
with self-criticism.
So, I did what any
self-respecting individual would do
under the circumstances…
I read a book.
The book is called
Living Your Truth
by Kamal Ravikant.
Afterwards,
I felt better.
I took one step,
then another.
I went grocery shopping.
I tidied up the house
a little bit more,
took care of some phone calls
and correspondence.
I breathed.
I remembered to repeat
I love myself.
When the kids got home,
I was calm,
and managed to stay (mostly) calm
through homework.
Dinner was beautiful,
and afterwards,
my kids—of their own accord—
had an art moment!
It was…glorious to see them
happily working away
while I tidied up after dinner.
They’re still making art
and here I am writing this poem.
I was thinking
I was going to get more done today,
but I realize now,
today was enough.