Tag Archives: self-awareness

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 21: To Narcissus (With Video!)

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What a timely and fitting prompt from NaPoWriMo today!  The invitation is to play with the myth of Narcissus in some way. I’ve always loved Greek mythology, and the tale of Narcissus alway struck me as sad—dying of unrequited love of self.  But now that my husband is out of the house and I’ve had time to really consider the effects on my mind, body and spirit of living eight years with my husband’s pathological narcissim, the tale has become a lot more personal.  Before I realized the nature of our relationship and how damaging his words and actions were to me and my self-esteem in the course of our marriage, I always thought narcissists were annoyingly self-absorbed people whom we love anyway, because everyone deserves love, and we all exhibit degrees of narcissism now and again.  It’s human nature, isn’t it, after all, to become periodically fixated on one’s self, one’s happiness, one’s life path, and the ways and means we go about achieving what we think we need to be fulfilled?  But then I learned about narcissistic abuse—gaslighting, smear campaigns, isolation, criticism, financial abuse, and it came crashing down on me what I had endured during our time together, always trying to help him be happy, always being told that I was the source of his unhappiness.  I realize that I’ve been traumatized by my time with this man, and I internalized a lot of what he told me.  I’m in the process of unpacking the stories and sifting through my inner landscape to find some ground and some truth about myself. Yes, today’s prompt is timely.  Here goes.

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Poor boy, you fell so deeply in love
with what you believed to be true about yourself,
you wasted away into a dream and died.
The one I thought I knew was a phantom,
haunting the pool that claimed your life.
I tried to save you but you were already dead,
and as real as you seemed, you were just an apparition,
a poltergeist, making lots of noise, breaking things,
howling like a ghoul, frightening me,
recruiting me into this fantasy of living
as you drew me nearer and nearer
to your realm of death.
You nearly took me too,
so invested was I in resurrecting you
that I began to deny my very Self
and all of her needs.
But the spring came, and with it my own resurrection.
I saw my spirit come to life and resist the chains
you attempted to throw around me.
They were just a mirage, like the rest of you;
loud, messy, impressive,
but without any weight or strength,
substanceless, like your love, like your life,
like your work, like all of you.
Rest in peace, fair Narcissus.
I’m going back to the realm of the living now.
I’ll visit you each spring,
lay a flower on your grave,
pay my respects,
but know this:
You cannot hurt me any more.
You are nothing to me now.
Nothing more
than the whispers of wind
that caress my cheek,
reminding me of the long life I have left to live.

NaPoWriMo 2018, Day 18: Off

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I sit down to write my daily poem with one hour left in this day, and I notice how tired I am.  Here is today’s NaPoWriMo prompt.  It sounds like a beautiful idea and process, but I just don’t have the energy in me right now.  So I’m going off prompt!

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My whole life was turned upside down last July
when my husband told me he wanted a divorce
and it hasn’t flipped upright since then.
I haven’t eaten well, slept well,
or felt truly like myself in a long time.
I have lost mutual friends to the story he told,
and really, would I want them as friends
if they can turn based on one person’s story?
But all the same I miss them
and don’t know what to do with these feelings
of grief, loss and betrayal.
I don’t know what to do with the images
of him making love to another woman,
images in my mind, more real
than anything I could see in a movie theater.
I don’t know what to do with the hopes I had,
hopes to reconcile, hopes to rebuild,
to recommit, to outlast all the trials
and come out standing, stronger, confident
of our love and our bond.
Yes, I haven’t eaten well, slept well,
and I miss closeness with my husband,
in spite of all that he has said and done.
I guess you could say I’m a little “off.”

 

True Union

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Awake early after going to bed late
and I feel just fine.
My spirit calls me out of slumber
to commune in quiet
with the best part of my Self—
the precious treasure
at the center of my being.
This treasure is yours too,
the Universal Soul
that moves and expresses itself
through all of us.
Maybe one morning
you’ll rise too
and meet me
in the place
where past, present and future converge,
in the place
where true union is possible.

New Hope

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I awaken with new hope.
I feel grateful for simple things:
the sunlight spilling into my room,
the fact that I can eat, drink and be warm
in this home.
I realize that things are never as bad
as my mind would have me believe.
Oh my mind,
could you relax?
Could you just be for one moment?
I can accept you too, my mind,
in all of your neurotic obsessions,
I can still love you.
Maybe this is why
I awaken with new hope.
I realize that everything I am
is welcome, is free, is loved.
And now I can see the world
with these eyes of hope
and this life that is very, very good.

Go Deeper

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I wonder…
if I go deeper than I’ve ever gone before,
will I get lost in the depths?
Will I hit the bottom and bounce back up?
Will I get disoriented and not know
which way is up?
Will I run out of air?
Will I drown down there?
Even scarier than the thought
of getting lost in the depths
is the thought of staying forever
stuck in the shallows
wondering if I’ll ever
have the courage to go deeper.
I think I’ll just go ahead
and go deeper.

The One You’ve Been Waiting For

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The most important love affair you’ll ever have
is the one you have with yourself.
How’s that going?
If you haven’t learned to love yourself,
take heart…
It’s a practice, and you can learn.
Start small.
Decide that today you’ll be
a little kinder than you were yesterday.
Choose to see your qualities.
Commit to moving toward what lights you up.
Believe that your most fulfilling life is possible
and then take some steps toward that life.
Start somewhere, anywhere, just begin.
You might discover along the way
that this is what you’ve been wanting all along.
You are the one you’ve been waiting for.

Layers of Consciousness

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Doors opening to opportunities,
and my efforts blend in
with the wind, the rain,
and those who can help me.
I can’t tell anymore
where my thought ends
and reality begins.
What I see is a story in my mind.
Am I seeing rightly?
Let me go back to original thought,
and behind that,
the experience of awareness
prior to the self
that analyzed it.
Where am I
in all these layers of consciousness?