Where is the balance point between the effort and the ease? Where is the grace that allows forgiveness to find me? Where is the sweet one who will coax my heart out of hiding? Where is the soul nourishment that will sustain me? I keep trying, trying, trying. I’m exhausted from the effort of teasing apart the jumbled mess of other people’s perceptions and finding my true self concealed somewhere deep within. Where am I, who am I, in the midst of all of this chaos?
A friend came and visited. We sipped our mugs of tea and filled each other in on the comings and goings of our lives. He’s three months into a fulfilling relationship with a vibrantly beautiful and talented woman. I’m happy for him. I shared about my sadness, loneliness and isolation. I told him how I wanted to be financially autonmous before dipping my toes back into the waters of love and relationships. It’s been two years since I’ve been with a man, and my body feels the urge to be held, to connect… but I don’t trust myself to attract a healthy man into my life, and I’m still reeling from the pain of my divorce. So I’m waiting. He told me I have too many rules, that if I stop myself from desiring I stop myself from moving forward. Now my head is spinning. Is it true? Do I have too many rules?
When you woke up this morning, did you remember who you really are? Have you remembered yet today? If not, let me remind you, but first, S L O W L Y EXHALE ALL THE WAY, and then, S L O W L Y INHALE ALL THE WAY. There now, that’s better, isn’t it? ✨❤️✨ You are pure consciousness in a physical body standing on a tiny blue dot in the middle of infinite space. You are a single cell on that blue dot, a subatomic particle of the atom in which you live, and yet your consciousness is bigger than the universe. Can you open in awareness of this vastness? Can you feel out to the farthest reaches of space, can you sense into the urge to expand forever? Can you take on the awareness of a star, burning in your desire to express your light? Can you spin the way a planet spins, can you feel its mass, and can you sense the momentum it has attained in its embrace of the cosmic dance? And YOU, how about your embrace? You are the center of the universe, did you know that? You are, in this very second, entirely surrounded, held, seen, known, loved and cherished by the force that created you (and you can call it what you want!) You are sovereign in your center, holding the consciousness of the cosmos. Now that you’ve remembered that the entire universe is yours to command, what now will you do?
What if I stopped trying so hard to be good, to stay ahead, to get it right, to get it done? What if I could just accept that this life is a process and I will never be done? What if I could really feel and know that I will one day die, and it might be sooner than I thought, and then I will simply be gone? How would I live if I knew I didn’t have as much time as I hoped I did? What if I could wake up in this moment and recognize that everything, all of it, is a gift? What if I could stop blaming others for where I am, take charge of my life, and step into my full power? I’ll ask the questions and have faith that the answers will reveal themselves as I am ready to see them.
This week, as I read books about sacred intimacy between the divine masculine and the divine feminine, I realize how I resent being unpartnered. I realize how I never thought I’d be celibate for two years at this stage of my life. I think about my natural urges as a grown woman, my need for touch, intimacy, connection, my desire to share myself with a sensitive, loving partner. I think about how easy it would be to create a profile on Tinder and just hook up with someone. Except… that is not who I am. Maybe in my 20’s casual sex seemed like an okay thing to do, but not anymore. In order to experience what I truly desire: a profoundly deep connection and the joy of truly being seen, heard, held and cherished within a safe intimate relationship, I have a lot of work to do. First on myself and on the tendencies that led me into a marriage with a man who rejected who I was at my deepest core, and second, I have to start somewhere and maybe actually go on a few dates. UGH. UGH. UGH. Hi, I’m Lorien. I’m recently divorced, I have two young children, and I’m still healing from the tremendous pain I experienced when my ex-husband abandoned me. Any takers? I’m not sure I would want me with that kind of endorsement. So maybe I’m not ready after all.
***************************************** So HEY! Just curious. Is there anyone out there who went through a godawful, brutal divorce, healed from it, and managed to go on and meet someone with whom you’re enjoying a safe and healthy relationship? Anyone with kids from a previous marriage who managed to meet someone new and engage in a better, healthier relationship than the one you had with your children’s other parent? I’m all ears. I’d love to hear what worked for you in your healing process and any insights you’d offer to someone like me, who isn’t all that excited at the prospect of dating, but who longs for a safe, intimate partnership with someone sane and healthy—and who has no idea where to begin…
I apologize for the tone of my last poem. Actually, I don’t. I have raging PMS and the veil between 3D reality and the spirit world is thinner and everything I have been suppressing in my act to be nice and please everyone is now coming up of its own volition. So really, I have no control over it. And so, if you don’t like it, you know exactly what you can do.
I was thinking I was going to get more done today and suddenly I was paralyzed. With fear, with anxiety, with self-criticism. So, I did what any self-respecting individual would do under the circumstances… I read a book. The book is called Living Your Truth by Kamal Ravikant. Afterwards, I felt better. I took one step, then another. I went grocery shopping. I tidied up the house a little bit more, took care of some phone calls and correspondence. I breathed. I remembered to repeat I love myself. When the kids got home, I was calm, and managed to stay (mostly) calm through homework. Dinner was beautiful, and afterwards, my kids—of their own accord— had an art moment! It was…glorious to see them happily working away while I tidied up after dinner. They’re still making art and here I am writing this poem. I was thinking I was going to get more done today, but I realize now, today was enough.