Tag Archives: self-exploration

Caught

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Caught in fear,
like this past year
of working hard never happened,
like I’ve made no progress at all,
like I have no say,
like I have no way to proceed.
Caught in sadness,
like life is meaningless,
like inside the struggle
to find a will
the pain only doubles,
like the light is disappearing
and I can’t find it
even as I stare into the blinding sun.
Caught in regret,
like I should have done better,
like my choices were all wrong,
like there’s no way out,
and as I look ahead the path is long
with no rest, no cure, no safe harbor
to welcome me home.
This fear, sadness and regret
must have something to teach me
about who I really want to be.
But right now,
there is only this feeling of being caught.
May I and all beings be free.

Jekyll & Hyde Forever

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The most painful thing
is the disappointment I feel
when I’ve been impatient with my kids,
when I can’t step up,
be the adult
and just keep going.
I get stuck, hung up in my pain.
It blinds me.
It makes me say things I don’t mean,
and then I have to live with myself afterwards.
I’m tired of this feeling,
so tired of the old way of thinking.
I have worked so hard to overcome it,
but it’s so easy to slip into the old habits.
PMS is back, and this is when it’s the worst.
Will this ever change?*
Or am I doomed to be Jekyll and Hyde forever?

 

 

*I guess I can look forward to menopause?

Tell Me I’m Not Alone

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The doubt crept in.
The fear and the anxiety
threatened to take up permanent residence
in this exhausted mind
beaten helplessly by neurotic thoughts.
Therapy helped;
I could see my old emotional system
having its way with me.
My  therapist and I laughed
at the absurdity of life.
But the fear, doubt and anxiety
relaunched themselves directly after,
and I spent the afternoon
feeling out of my mind.
Do you have any idea
how humbling it is
to know exactly how to help myself,
but feel helpless to help myself?
I’m a yoga teacher for God’s sake!
I teach people how to breathe and relax
and feel better every week.
And yet when the time comes for me
to practice what I preach
I feel trapped in a prison
of the worst kind of thinking.
Someone tell me I’m not alone.

Full Of Possibility

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Growing, expanding.
Knowing myself better.
Diving deeper, exploring.
Looking up, looking out,
trusting.
Reading, reading, reading,
exposing myself to new ideas,
a wealth of information,
developing a treasure trove within,
treasure no one can see and yet
a treasure that is more real than any other.
The medicine man sings
Invisible es mi camino,
and I sing along.
Taking a deep breath,
watching my mind
desperately attempt to understand
through the lens of the past,
and patiently, firmly
holding up and looking through a new lens—
a wide open future full of possibility.

He’s Won

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More tears.
More anger.
Unending darkness.
Feeling hopeless,
worthless.
Alone.
The things that brought me joy
can no longer reach me. I try
but nothing gets done.
Take some pills they say.
They’ll take the edge off they say.
I give up.
He’s won.

 

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I’m thinking of taking a break from this blog after never missing a daily post for the last four and a half years. I can’t see what purpose is being served by my sharing here, as my sharing has heavily centered on grieving the loss of my marriage for over a year now. I want to contribute to the happiness of the people on this planet, not their sadness, but by sharing my sadness, don’t I amplify it? Has it been selfish of me to share publicly in this way and to let you know that I’m suffering? I honestly have been hoping that my writing here would bring me some relief, but I take no joy in it; it’s something I make myself do—and how inspiring can words born of that mindset really be?  If my words don’t inspire, I don’t want to inflict them on anyone.

I feel burdened by life, consumed in a darkness that threatens to blot out all memory of happiness and love and light. A mighty battle is being fought within me, a battle between darkness and light—and I’m not feeling confident of the outcome.  Both of my kids noticed.

My six year old son said, “Do you know what my greatest enemy is?”

“What?” I asked.

“Losing you,” he said.  I cried.  We were in my room looking at a Divine Feminine oracle deck while my daughter was bathing.

After she was out of the bath tub, the three of us piled into my bed to hang out while I brushed my daughter’s hair. After I was done brushing, she got up, looked at me with her eight years of wisdom, and said, “You know people die of sadness?”

“Oh really?” I asked. “Can you tell me more about that?”

“People can get so sad that they…just…die. And I don’t want that to happen to you.” I cried again.

My children nestled their heads against me and I stroked their hair while I cried more.  I felt like a piece of shit for not being able to just buck up and pretend I’m fine…so that they can know they’re safe in the presence of a strong mother who has it together for them—or some bullshit unreasonable thing people keep telling me I should do so that my kids don’t get traumatized by my depression. It’s great to be quite literally dying of sadness and then have a critical voice remind me that I’m selfish and should be a better mother and put my children first instead of wallowing in self-pity.

I’m fortunate in that my girlfriend Lucy is flying me out to CO to get away from this home where I lived with my husband and children for three and a half years. Too many memories.  Too many triggers.  My children will be in Utah with their father and his mistress.  He’s taking her home to meet his parents.  We’re still married, and I’m struggling to find my will to live each day.

I can’t know that this isn’t the best thing for me. So many people have said to me He gave you your freedom.  Someday you’ll see that and be grateful for it. But I’m not sure I’m going to make it to someday. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it one more day.

I’m considering taking a break from this blog while I’m in CO from 7/21-7/31.  I’m thinking of taking a complete break from everything I normally do, pack very lightly, and just be really open to what might arise in the space of not planning and not knowing.  What I’ve been doing isn’t working. It’s time for something to change.

Perhaps a change of pace. A change of scenery. A change of faces, and smells, and sounds, nothing familiar to trigger the cascade of sadness that hasn’t stopped flowing for a year. I’m bleeding out emotionally and the situation is dire.  No one can save me but me and I have to choose to want to be saved.  I hope the mountains will return me to my sanity. I’ll keep you posted, let you know what I decide. Thanks for reading.

No Destination

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I keep wondering when I’ll be better…
I recently added a second session
of therapy within the week,
and that question
keeps ricocheting in my mind:
When will I be better?
When will I be better?
and I wonder then
Hey, what’s wrong with me now?
Is there something so wrong
that I need to work hard to get better?
And then I remember
Life is a process.
It is a journey,
not a destination.
This process of becoming—
a journey, not a destination.
Awakening to self—
a journey, not a destination.
Instead of getting better,
maybe I can simply focus
on living well.
I can enjoy the journey
and accept
there is no destination.