Feeling a little lost, out of sorts these days. I couldn’t be bothered to write the last few nights… what has happened to me? I return a bit sheepishly, feeling guilty for dropping my routine; it’s been the one thing that has held me up through the transition into single motherhood. I remember the wisdom of my teachers. Begin where you are. Only this moment matters. You’re doing fine. You are enough, just as you are, right now. My mind loves to point out that although I can articulate my teachers’ wisdom, I’m not necessarily so great at embodying it. Oh well. That’s why we practice. We remember that we can keep trying, again and again and again.
When he left I tried to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him and I wanted to forgive the other woman. But as much as I tried, it wasn’t working. I was still angry, lonely, grieving. I was still terrified, feeling betrayed, victimized. Then I realized I didn’t need to work on forgiving them, I needed to work on forgiving myself. I am training myself to understand that I’m worthy of love even if I’m not perfect. I’m working on forgiving myself for tolerating the way I was treated in my marriage. I’m working on forgiving myself for being human. With the focus back on me I can actually feel my body/spirit/mind/heart/self as it heals. I’m finally getting to know the woman I am, and I’m discovering that I love her.
Even though in the past I interpreted challenges like these as evidence that I was somehow deficient, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am willing to see myself with the eyes of love. Even though I find myself uncertain of my future, my AC has gone belly up, and now the outlets powering my refrigerator and freezer are no longer working, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am wiling to see myself with the eyes of love. Even though I never thought I’d be here, never thought that at the age of 42 I’d struggle with anxiety and depression, wondering where I’ll live and how I’ll make ends meet for myself and my children, today I deeply love and accept myself and I am willing to see myself with the eyes of love. I am willing to change and grow. I am willing to learn new skills. I am willing to stand in my power. I am willing to shift this situation. Now, God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
And then I began to see
to what degree
I was holding myself hostage
I began to see
to what degree
I was afraid
of letting Love in.
And when I finally stopped
the war with myself
All that was left for me to see
and all beings–
remember to forgive yourself
when you lose it,
when you blow it,
when you stumble,
when you trip,
when you make
a complete ass out of yourself.
we all make mistakes.
We are human.
Our blunders connect us,
and we can find the connection
precisely through that which
makes us human,
that which renders us imperfect.
We can laugh together,
we can become indignant together,
we can all fall down together,
and we can all get back up again.
Let us model self-forgiveness.
Those we care for
will trust us more
as we regain trust in ourselves.
Our children won’t make war
with one another
when they witness their parents
at peace with themselves.
First I ask for their forgiveness
and then I attempt to forgive myself.
I didn’t want to lose my temper
I didn’t want to jump up and down
and get red in the face.
But I’m tired, and sick, and human,
and sometimes I just lose it.
The critic said to me, See? Five years of daily meditation have done nothing for you. You still lose your temper. You are an imposter. I said to the critic If you think this is bad, imagine how I’d be without meditation.
And then I forgave myself.
For listening to the voice
that told me I should have done better
than I was able to do.
I am, like everyone else on this blessed planet,
doing the best I can.
Yep. 9:45 pm,
and I feel a need to confess.
Bless me, for I have sinned,
and god knows how long it has been
since my last confession.
I lost my temper this morning.
I sat to meditate after settling my son
Into his room with some trains,
and as I was just entering the timeless
field of presence,
I heard him say, “MAMA!”
I paused my meditation to check in on him… and wasn’t prepared for the sight that met my eye.
Poop in the diaper that he took off and left on the floor,
poop on the carpet where he sat to put his pants back on
after he took off the poopy diaper,
poop on his pants as he labored to pull the waistband up
to where it was supposed to sit on his little body.
I’ve given you enough gory details, I think.
With calm I cleaned him up,
got him a fresh set of clothes to put on,
and everything seemed to be going well…
until it all hit me.
I didn’t get to meditate! That is horrible! I am so angry right now! I yelled, I stomped, I shrieked.
My son watched.
I wasn’t proud. The energy it took to remain angry zapped me of my energy,
and I spent a good part of the remaining day feeling guilty and depressed.
Now I am so tired, and I know that it is time to wrap this up,
attempt to meditate for a few minutes,
and then let my body, my mind, my soul rest…
Maybe I’ll get enough rest to be able to forgive myself tomorrow morning
for the mistakes I made today.