I can feel the old me struggling
to regain some footing,
and the new me is just plain tired.
I won’t let the old me win—
the old me needs to die.
Does it sound harsh?
I am no longer available
to live life the way I lived it before.
I know too much now
to go back to sleep.
But how to eliminate the struggle
with the old me
so that the new me
can relax and surrender
into the flow of cosmic synchronicity?
If you can answer that question
I’ll be your best friend!
Back home from retreat.
I wasn’t given the job
I interviewed for in September,
but was offered another,
at lower pay, with no benefits.
I declined the offer.
It felt exhilarating knowing
that I could assert myself
and make choices based on
that I am worth way more.
But now what?
Now I need to step fully
I don’t want to work for anyone else,
I want to work for myself.
I want to get my offerings out to the world
in a bigger way,
and add value to people’s lives.
I want to make it on my own.
I want to be my own boss,
decide my own hours,
work where I want
with whom I want
when I want.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
Pray for me.
For a few days
I step away from the routine.
I sleep differently,
move my body in different ways.
I’m intentional with my time;
choosing only those activities
that deepen my connection with Spirit.
It’s a sacred time,
a prayerful time,
a time filled with infinite possibilities.
I dream that all sentient beings
may take such time for themselves.
As we retreat from the world outside,
we return to the home within.
No better welcome could ever be found
than the homecoming provided
by the One
who stands at the door of your heart
for your arrival.
bringing cool air, wind,
and the promise of change.
As the days grow shorter
and the nights longer,
as nature slows down
and prepares for winter,
could I slow down too?
Could I take time
to go inwards, reflect,
see where I’ve been
and decide where I’m going?
Could I look ahead at life to come,
and choose to believe in the possibility
that after this long, dark night,
Spirit has a beautiful spring planned,
just waiting for my awakening?
Giving so much…
wanting to give…
and then feeling so tired.
Is this how to live?
Is there a giving that doesn’t deplete
but actually fills and refreshes the giver
once the giving is complete?
I want to understand
the nature of a giving soul
and the way some manage to find the energy
to perform superhuman acts of generosity.
I want to know how to give what matters.
And each night
I want to rest my head contentedly
knowing I gave my all
to this day, to this moment, to this life.
Taught two yoga classes,
body is tired.
Kids are with their dad and his mistress
on a “family” trip to the ocean…
And I’m here, alone,
to make this time count.
What do I do?
Take a nap?
Read a book?
Make some art?
Write in my journal?
Play my guitar?
Bang on my drum?
Sew a dress?
Knit a scarf?
Drink some wine?
When faced with so many choices,
I work myself into such a tizzy
it’s hard to choose anything at all.
I suppose I could do all of the above.
But let’s be really really real—
isn’t it delightful to have so many choices?
Maybe I’ll just go write in my gratitude journal,
thankful to be asking these questions at all.
It’s a constant struggle between my past and my future.
The past is familiar; it leaps up into my consciousness
and makes itself seen and felt again and again and again.
The future is unknown; it’s the stuff hoped for
and requires faith and focus to keep my vision clear.
I pray for the stamina to keep reinvesting my energy in my future,
to draw my attention back to the good things to come.
I pray for the time when his choices aren’t ricocheting in my mind
they way they’ve done for over a year—
and it’s been quite an interesting year.
Each day, I discover, I make a choice.
I can choose victimhood or empowerment;
but it’s always my choice.
May I always choose empowerment.