There is a struggle
between the old way
and the new,
an attachment to familiarity
and a yearning to break free.
My body is tired
and my mind is weary
but my soul knows
this is the only game in town,
and so it says,
Going through the pain
and being honest with myself.
How much of my identity
did I build on this pain,
and when I let go of it,
what will be left of me?
Swirls of feeling…constantly.
Will the waves ever let up,
will I always be tossed
on this turbulence,
or should I embrace
this intensity and surrender
to the currents moving through me?
Does deeper feeling
mean deeper experience?
Does more darkness
mean more light?
Tears and then laughter.
Rage and then serenity.
I try to hold myself together,
but who is doing the holding,
and who is in danger of falling apart?
I choose sobriety,
and without the buffer of some distraction
the feelings I’d been running from
hit me full force.
Is this my new normal…
and can I handle it?
What if I stopped trying so hard to be “good”?
What if I could allow life to be what it is?
What if I stopped trying to get other people to like me?
What if I could just sit down, close my eyes and breathe?
I can stop.
I can sit down.
I can close my eyes.
I can breathe.
I’ll report back later.
I’m waiting to feel motivated
to make that phone call
to run that errand
answer that email
buy those groceries…
and the motivated feeling never comes.
Then I remember
I need to just do it.
After it is all done
my mind feels good
for having attained a state of completion.
If it needs to be done,
I don’t wait to feel like doing it,
I just do it.
And that’s how it all gets done.
I’ve been receiving the clear message
from my intuition,
or maybe from just good common sense
that I need to let go of my old stuff
in order to welcome new experiences
into my life.
if my heart is full of the past,
longing for a love that once was,
how can it beat with a new rhythm
for someone ready to share love with me now?
If my eyes see only my past
how can I train them
to look toward my future?
If my body is full of my past,
how can I teach it
to move and dance into a new reality?
I’ve been telling myself
that I was too depressed,
to start going through my stuff.
But Spirit has been speaking louder and louder
and now I am finally listening.
I realize that I’ve been scared to look at the piles of things
in my basement,
afraid of the memories they will trigger.
But today I feel strong, ready and willing
to face whatever it is, and clear it out,
so that I can have a new, spacious experience
and welcome what I really want into my life.
I’M GOING IN NOW.
WISH ME LUCK!
A mighty battle is being waged,
a battle between the parts of me
that yearn for more out of my life,
and the parts that don’t believe
that more exists,
or that more is relevant,
or that more is possible.
Fear creeps in, and doubt;
if I let them take hold,
I get depressed.
That’s the old me.
The new me
knows that more is possible.
The new me can
look at my thoughts objectively,
sort through and find the helpful ones
and give my soul permission
to go for it.
At this point, I’m pretty biased.
I’m not going to be fair and give equal
help to both sides of the battle.
I’m going to pick which side I want to help.
I want the new me to win.