Slowly it dawns on me how I’ve been complicit with the old paradigm all along, how, out of loyalty to what I was taught, I sabotaged my own hopes and dreams, and pushed away opportunities for healing and expansion, to choose what was familiar– and this was all largely unconscious. It also dawns on me that the way I was back then was the only way I could be, and like every other human, it was only when I was ready that I could change. Still working on changing… could I shift to allowing? From pushing to flowing, from effort to ease, from toiling to relaxing, from fighting to surrendering? I’d like to see myself after forty days and forty nights of relaxing into the flow of being. So be it.
Ah, love. Just pause a moment, say nothing. Close your eyes, breathe. Can you feel it? Can you feel your heart beating? Yes. This. This is your power. Feel your power, don’t be afraid, just let it flow through you. You were meant for this.
I’m discovering that it takes more courage than I thought to keep going in the face of uncertainty. A part of me envies those with established lives: established work, established relationships, complete with vacation plans, retirement plans, and even plots for what remains of them one day when they’re done with this earthly life… Another part of me knows that my spirit would wither and die if I were made to exist within the confines of so much familiarity. Yes, my wild spirit would not condone all these plans. So where is the balancing point? I’m tired of the anxiety that comes from not knowing where I’m going. I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed that at this point in my life I still haven’t “figured it out.” More questions than answers, and so easy to blame the one who pulled the rug out from under the stability I once enjoyed as the female parental unit in our family of four. Faced with so much uncertainty, I want to run and hide, I want to escape… but from what? From whom? I realize there is no escape. I cannot run from myself. I cannot distance myself from the one who craves stability and who at the same time wants to live wild and free. How can I bring these warring factions to rest within the space of awareness? How can I get them to settle and engage in some quality peace talks? Ah, answer me that and I’ll dub you a shaman, a wise one, a mentor, a guide. Come to think of it, seems like I need one of those right about now.
The voice stayed with me when the clock struck midnight; it followed me into the new year. It was quiet for a few hours, letting me take in the new year… But now it is saying, already, You should be doing more. You need to make phone calls, you need to organize your house, you need to earn more, you need to plan for the future. You could end up on the street. You could lose everything. Hurry up! No time to lose! Now I want to know, whose voice is this? Of course I want to be responsible, of course I want to take action, of course I want to do the right thing. But I don’t need a tyrant telling me what to do. I don’t need a frightened, abused inmate pushing me to be afraid too. I’m ready for a new voice, one that says, Breathe. You’re doing just fine. Let’s try this now. You are not alone; I’ll be with you every step of the way. Everything is working out just fine. You are safe. You can trust me. I got you. I’m searching for that voice. I’m wanting to see what my life will be like when I listen to it and act from it. May the voice of kindness rise up within me, and may my ears and heart and mind be open to receive its wisdom.
It’s time. It’s time to let go of the stuff that no longer serves you. It’s time to stand in your truth and lead from your heart center. It’s time to take action, so summon your courage.
But…I don’t have any courage.
Of course you have courage. Don’t you have a heart?
Yes. I have a heart.
Well if you have a heart then you have courage.
Sit, my friend. Close your eyes. Put your hands over your heart. Breathe deeply. Feel your heart beating. There. There is your courage.
But I’m afraid.
Of course you’re afraid! The old you doesn’t want to change. But you are not your old self. You are not your family, your race, your gender, your job, your role. You are not your broken places crying out for healing.
You are the one who knows the light, who moves continually toward it in ever-widening circles of grace and love. You are the one who seeks expression of the gifts buried within you, who knows these gifts will bless the world.
Gifts? What gifts? I don’t have any gifts.
Of course you have gifts! Out of 7.7 billion people on this planet, there is only one you. You are unique. Therefore, you have gifts.
You can feel fear and take action anyway. You can have doubts but know that you have something to give. Feel the fear, have the doubts, but move toward your dream. This is courage. You are courage. We need you. Please do not leave us in darkness. We need your light.
But I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
You are not alone. We are with you. Every single one of us who has a heart— we are with you. For now, all I need you to do is breathe. Can you do that?
There is a struggle between the old way and the new, an attachment to familiarity and a yearning to break free. My body is tired and my mind is weary but my soul knows this is the only game in town, and so it says, Keep playing.