I kept trying and kept trying today. If I can just clean the house enough, and tidy and organize enough maybe the voice in my head will be kind and just let me relax. I finally had to walk away, take a shower, eat something. Who is this invisible presence that tells me I’ll never get it right?
What if I stopped trying so hard to be good, to stay ahead, to get it right, to get it done? What if I could just accept that this life is a process and I will never be done? What if I could really feel and know that I will one day die, and it might be sooner than I thought, and then I will simply be gone? How would I live if I knew I didn’t have as much time as I hoped I did? What if I could wake up in this moment and recognize that everything, all of it, is a gift? What if I could stop blaming others for where I am, take charge of my life, and step into my full power? I’ll ask the questions and have faith that the answers will reveal themselves as I am ready to see them.
This week, as I read books about sacred intimacy between the divine masculine and the divine feminine, I realize how I resent being unpartnered. I realize how I never thought I’d be celibate for two years at this stage of my life. I think about my natural urges as a grown woman, my need for touch, intimacy, connection, my desire to share myself with a sensitive, loving partner. I think about how easy it would be to create a profile on Tinder and just hook up with someone. Except… that is not who I am. Maybe in my 20’s casual sex seemed like an okay thing to do, but not anymore. In order to experience what I truly desire: a profoundly deep connection and the joy of truly being seen, heard, held and cherished within a safe intimate relationship, I have a lot of work to do. First on myself and on the tendencies that led me into a marriage with a man who rejected who I was at my deepest core, and second, I have to start somewhere and maybe actually go on a few dates. UGH. UGH. UGH. Hi, I’m Lorien. I’m recently divorced, I have two young children, and I’m still healing from the tremendous pain I experienced when my ex-husband abandoned me. Any takers? I’m not sure I would want me with that kind of endorsement. So maybe I’m not ready after all.
***************************************** So HEY! Just curious. Is there anyone out there who went through a godawful, brutal divorce, healed from it, and managed to go on and meet someone with whom you’re enjoying a safe and healthy relationship? Anyone with kids from a previous marriage who managed to meet someone new and engage in a better, healthier relationship than the one you had with your children’s other parent? I’m all ears. I’d love to hear what worked for you in your healing process and any insights you’d offer to someone like me, who isn’t all that excited at the prospect of dating, but who longs for a safe, intimate partnership with someone sane and healthy—and who has no idea where to begin…
Slowly it dawns on me how I’ve been complicit with the old paradigm all along, how, out of loyalty to what I was taught, I sabotaged my own hopes and dreams, and pushed away opportunities for healing and expansion, to choose what was familiar– and this was all largely unconscious. It also dawns on me that the way I was back then was the only way I could be, and like every other human, it was only when I was ready that I could change. Still working on changing… could I shift to allowing? From pushing to flowing, from effort to ease, from toiling to relaxing, from fighting to surrendering? I’d like to see myself after forty days and forty nights of relaxing into the flow of being. So be it.
Ah, love. Just pause a moment, say nothing. Close your eyes, breathe. Can you feel it? Can you feel your heart beating? Yes. This. This is your power. Feel your power, don’t be afraid, just let it flow through you. You were meant for this.
I’m discovering that it takes more courage than I thought to keep going in the face of uncertainty. A part of me envies those with established lives: established work, established relationships, complete with vacation plans, retirement plans, and even plots for what remains of them one day when they’re done with this earthly life… Another part of me knows that my spirit would wither and die if I were made to exist within the confines of so much familiarity. Yes, my wild spirit would not condone all these plans. So where is the balancing point? I’m tired of the anxiety that comes from not knowing where I’m going. I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed that at this point in my life I still haven’t “figured it out.” More questions than answers, and so easy to blame the one who pulled the rug out from under the stability I once enjoyed as the female parental unit in our family of four. Faced with so much uncertainty, I want to run and hide, I want to escape… but from what? From whom? I realize there is no escape. I cannot run from myself. I cannot distance myself from the one who craves stability and who at the same time wants to live wild and free. How can I bring these warring factions to rest within the space of awareness? How can I get them to settle and engage in some quality peace talks? Ah, answer me that and I’ll dub you a shaman, a wise one, a mentor, a guide. Come to think of it, seems like I need one of those right about now.
The voice stayed with me when the clock struck midnight; it followed me into the new year. It was quiet for a few hours, letting me take in the new year… But now it is saying, already, You should be doing more. You need to make phone calls, you need to organize your house, you need to earn more, you need to plan for the future. You could end up on the street. You could lose everything. Hurry up! No time to lose! Now I want to know, whose voice is this? Of course I want to be responsible, of course I want to take action, of course I want to do the right thing. But I don’t need a tyrant telling me what to do. I don’t need a frightened, abused inmate pushing me to be afraid too. I’m ready for a new voice, one that says, Breathe. You’re doing just fine. Let’s try this now. You are not alone; I’ll be with you every step of the way. Everything is working out just fine. You are safe. You can trust me. I got you. I’m searching for that voice. I’m wanting to see what my life will be like when I listen to it and act from it. May the voice of kindness rise up within me, and may my ears and heart and mind be open to receive its wisdom.