Tag Archives: self-knowing

Maybe I’m Not Ready

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This week,
as I read books about sacred intimacy
between the divine masculine and
the divine feminine,
I realize how I resent being unpartnered.
I realize how I never thought
I’d be celibate for two years
at this stage of my life.
I think about my natural urges
as a grown woman,
my need for touch, intimacy, connection,
my desire to share myself with a sensitive, loving partner.
I think about how easy it would be
to create a profile on Tinder
and just hook up with someone.
Except…
that is not who I am.
Maybe in my 20’s
casual sex seemed like an okay thing to do,
but not anymore.
In order to experience
what I truly desire:
a profoundly deep connection
and the joy of truly being seen,
heard, held and cherished
within a safe intimate relationship,
I have a lot of work to do.
First on myself
and on the tendencies
that led me into a marriage
with a man who rejected
who I was at my deepest core,
and second,
I have to start somewhere
and maybe actually go on a few dates.
UGH. UGH. UGH.
Hi, I’m Lorien.
I’m recently divorced,
I have two young children,
and I’m still healing
from the tremendous
pain I experienced
when my ex-husband abandoned me.

Any takers?
I’m not sure I would want me
with that kind of endorsement.
So maybe I’m not ready after all.

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So HEY! Just curious. Is there anyone out there who went through a godawful, brutal divorce, healed from it, and managed to go on and meet someone with whom you’re enjoying a safe and healthy relationship? Anyone with kids from a previous marriage who managed to meet someone new and engage in a better, healthier relationship than the one you had with your children’s other parent? I’m all ears. I’d love to hear what worked for you in your healing process and any insights you’d offer to someone like me, who isn’t all that excited at the prospect of dating, but who longs for a safe, intimate partnership with someone sane and healthy—and who has no idea where to begin…

Shift to Allowing

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Slowly it dawns on me
how I’ve been complicit
with the old paradigm
all along,
how, out of loyalty to what I was taught,
I sabotaged my own hopes and dreams,
and pushed away opportunities
for healing and expansion,
to choose what was familiar–
and this was all largely
unconscious.
It also dawns on me
that the way I was back then
was the only way I could be,
and like every other human,
it was only when I was ready
that I could change.
Still working on changing…
could I shift to allowing?
From pushing to flowing,
from effort to ease,
from toiling to relaxing,
from fighting to surrendering?
I’d like to see myself
after forty days and forty nights
of relaxing into the flow of being.
So be it.

Meant For This

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From the book Open Her: Activate 7 Masculine Powers to Arouse Your Woman’s Love and Desire

Ah, love.
Just pause a moment,
say nothing.
Close your eyes,
breathe.
Can you feel it?
Can you feel your heart beating?
Yes. This.
This is your power.
Feel your power,
don’t be afraid,
just let it flow through you.
You were meant for this.

Right About Now

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I’m discovering that
it takes more courage than I thought
to keep going in the face of uncertainty.
A part of me envies
those with established lives:
established work, established relationships,
complete with vacation plans, retirement plans,
and even plots for what remains of them
one day when they’re done with this earthly life…
Another part of me knows
that my spirit would wither and die
if I were made to exist within the confines
of so much familiarity.
Yes, my wild spirit
would not condone all these plans.
So where is the balancing point?
I’m tired of the anxiety that comes
from not knowing where I’m going.
I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed
that at this point in my life
I still haven’t “figured it out.”
More questions than answers,
and so easy to blame the one
who pulled the rug out from under
the stability I once enjoyed
as the female parental unit
in our family of four.
Faced with so much uncertainty,
I want to run and hide,
I want to escape…
but from what? From whom?
I realize there is no escape.
I cannot run from myself.
I cannot distance myself
from the one who craves stability
and who at the same time
wants to live wild and free.
How can I bring these warring factions
to rest within the space of awareness?
How can I get them to settle
and engage in some quality peace talks?
Ah, answer me that and I’ll dub you a shaman,
a wise one, a mentor, a guide.
Come to think of it,
seems like I need one of those right about now.

Voices

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The voice stayed with me
when the clock struck midnight;
it followed me into the new year.
It was quiet for a few hours,
letting me take in the new year…
But now it is saying, already,
You should be doing more.
You need to make phone calls,
you need to organize your house,
you need to earn more,
you need to plan for the future.
You could end up on the street.
You could lose everything.
Hurry up! No time to lose!

Now I want to know,
whose voice is this?
Of course I want to be responsible,
of course I want to take action,
of course I want to do the right thing.
But I don’t need a tyrant telling me what to do.
I don’t need a frightened, abused inmate
pushing me to be afraid too.
I’m ready for a new voice,
one that says,
Breathe. You’re doing just fine.
Let’s try this now.
You are not alone;
I’ll be with you every step of the way.
Everything is working out just fine.
You are safe.
You can trust me.
I got you.

I’m searching for that voice.
I’m wanting to see what my life will be like
when I listen to it and act from it.
May the voice of kindness rise up within me,
and may my ears and heart and mind
be open to receive its wisdom.

Let’s Breathe

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It’s time.
It’s time to let go of the stuff that no longer serves you.
It’s time to stand in your truth
and lead from your heart center.
It’s time to take action,
so summon your courage.

But…I don’t have any courage.

Of course you have courage.
Don’t you have a heart?

Yes. I have a heart.

Well if you have a heart
then you have courage.

Oh.

Sit, my friend.
Close your eyes.
Put your hands over your heart.
Breathe deeply.
Feel your heart beating.
There. There is your courage.

But I’m afraid.

Of course you’re afraid!
The old you doesn’t want to change.
But you are not your old self.
You are not your family, your race,
your gender, your job, your role.
You are not your broken places
crying out for healing.

You are the one who knows the light,
who moves continually toward it
in ever-widening circles of grace and love.
You are the one who seeks expression
of the gifts buried within you,
who knows these gifts will bless the world.

Gifts? What gifts? I don’t have any gifts.

Of course you have gifts!
Out of 7.7 billion people on this planet,
there is only one you.
You are unique.
Therefore, you have gifts.

Oh.

You can feel fear
and take action anyway.
You can have doubts
but know that you have something to give.
Feel the fear, have the doubts,
but move toward your dream.
This is courage. You are courage.
We need you. Please do not leave us in darkness.
We need your light.

But I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.

You are not alone.
We are with you.
Every single one of us who has a heart—
we are with you.
For now, all I need you to do is breathe.
Can you do that?

Yes. I can breathe.

Good. Then let’s breathe.