$-25.38 in my checking account
Hey mom, may I borrow $100
until I get paid tomorrow?
I’m sorry to have to ask
but I’ve been out of
my thyroid meds for five days and…
$74.62 in my checking account,
driving to the pharmacy
This too will pass.
$34.63 in my checking accout,
I have everything I need
to turn my life around.
Louise Hay said
Money is energy
and an exchange of resources.
How much I have
depends on how much
I believe I deserve.
If that’s true,
something in me thinks
I don’t deserve very much.
According to my checking account
I’m not worth much at all…
I feel like curling into a ball,
shrinking away from the world.
I force myself to eat lunch,
and then I sit down
to do some EFT Tapping.
Amid tears and terror,
I affirm that I always have enough money
to live my most authentic life.
Now, God, what now?
The earth waking up all around me
The breeze stirring all the young leaves
and blossoms of every tree.
People cheerful and happy
No matter how faithfully
I may have been clinging
to old skeletons,
When spring comes
I’m given hope
that the willingness to die
really does mean
a beautiful rebirth,
I let go.
When the voice in your head
needs you to know
that you can’t get anything right,
when the fear tells you
that it’s impossible,
when doubt crops up
to steer you away from the edge,
it’s time to get really suspicious.
Still searching for the book
that has the answers…
I search in
ooks on self-love,
books on forgiveness,
books on leadership,
I read and I read and I read.
I keep searching
for that one piece of information
that will save me.
Then it occurs to me,
Maybe the book I need to read
is the one I need to write.
And just when I least expected it
my already broken heart
broke even more.
Was there one last
piece of the past
that needed to be pulverized
in order for something new to be born?
Suddenly, it was all broken,
the devastation deeper than I ever knew.
I slept fitfully through
yet another long, dark night,
and when the morning light
reached my eyes
there were words of forgiveness on my lips,
a whisper of hope,
a promise of something completely new.
I have been searching and wondering and questioning.
I have been hoping and wishing and praying.
I have been dreaming and writing and visioning.
I have been singing and dancing and running.
And always, the object of the search eludes me.
I am exhausted, fighting battles with myself,
spurring myself on, telling myself to push through.
And then it occurs to me that I have it all wrong.
I’ve been headed in the wrong direction all along.
If I could just get still and silent and listen,
I’d see that the only direction I’ve left out
is the answer to every seeker’s agonizing request
to be shown their purpose and their path.
When every other option has fizzled out
and it seems like there’s no direction to turn,
It’s so curious,
figuring this human thing out.
I mean, when you really look at us,
aren’t we just crazy?
Isn’t our behavior just plain absurd?
We can spend our whole lives
looking for love
when the love is inside of us
all along, forever.
We can attempt to control the outer world,
when in reality
we have no control over anything,
not even ourselves.
We can keep searching until the day we die
for fulfillment, freedom, satisfaction,
looking to everyone to give us what we want,
when all along,
we were the ones we’ve been searching for.
I’m feeling ready for a great teacher to come along
and speak the good word to all of us.
I want us to wake up,
how wonderful it is, just to be alive.