Still searching for the book
that has the answers…
I search in
ooks on self-love,
books on forgiveness,
books on leadership,
I read and I read and I read.
I keep searching
for that one piece of information
that will save me.
Then it occurs to me,
Maybe the book I need to read
is the one I need to write.
And just when I least expected it
my already broken heart
broke even more.
Was there one last
piece of the past
that needed to be pulverized
in order for something new to be born?
Suddenly, it was all broken,
the devastation deeper than I ever knew.
I slept fitfully through
yet another long, dark night,
and when the morning light
reached my eyes
there were words of forgiveness on my lips,
a whisper of hope,
a promise of something completely new.
I have been searching and wondering and questioning.
I have been hoping and wishing and praying.
I have been dreaming and writing and visioning.
I have been singing and dancing and running.
And always, the object of the search eludes me.
I am exhausted, fighting battles with myself,
spurring myself on, telling myself to push through.
And then it occurs to me that I have it all wrong.
I’ve been headed in the wrong direction all along.
If I could just get still and silent and listen,
I’d see that the only direction I’ve left out
is the answer to every seeker’s agonizing request
to be shown their purpose and their path.
When every other option has fizzled out
and it seems like there’s no direction to turn,
It’s so curious,
figuring this human thing out.
I mean, when you really look at us,
aren’t we just crazy?
Isn’t our behavior just plain absurd?
We can spend our whole lives
looking for love
when the love is inside of us
all along, forever.
We can attempt to control the outer world,
when in reality
we have no control over anything,
not even ourselves.
We can keep searching until the day we die
for fulfillment, freedom, satisfaction,
looking to everyone to give us what we want,
when all along,
we were the ones we’ve been searching for.
I’m feeling ready for a great teacher to come along
and speak the good word to all of us.
I want us to wake up,
how wonderful it is, just to be alive.
Why do you elude me?
Why do I want you?
Why do I need you?
And why, when I need you the most,
do you desert me?
I think I may need to learn more about you.
I wish you could visit and stay awhile,
but you’re such a flirt—
you’re here one moment, gone the next.
If you can tell me who knows you best,
THAT one I’d like to meet.
If I could master you,
that would be quite the feat!
All of a sudden,
as if someone had lit a fire
I felt motivated to get some stuff done.
Things that I had been wanting to do
got done in a matter of minutes.
And so I wonder about procrastination.
I wonder about the time I spent
judging myself for not getting things done.
I wonder what I could’ve done with that time,
if it were used in service of something greater
May I develop the discipline to notice
when I’m caught in that old trap
and just get the freaking stuff done already!
Help is everywhere,
all around us,
but we won’t see it
if we’re searching for
the help to arrive
in a particular form.
On the journey to freedom,
our eyes need to be set free
from the mind that tells them
how to see.
Our minds need to be set free
from the will that demands
things turn out a certain way.
And our wills need to be set free
from the prison of our conditioning.
Such freedom comes at a great cost:
We must be willing to let go
of who we were
in order to be who we are now.
Do you long for such freedom?
Are you willing to pay for it?